Jacob's Journey

Sharing the story this weekend...

2011-06-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

I have the opportunity to share the Journey through Fire story this weekend at Cedar Grove Community Church in Livermore, CA.

It has been a challenge to dive back into the blog and sift through what to share. I actually had hoped Jake would be with me but he will be up at Champ Camp (camp for children youth who are burn survivors). Each of us has a part in the story and while I want him to tell his story. I am realizing that I want to hide behind him a bit. Yet as it worked out it is my turn. He will get his chance. My story is not his story.

Prayers of course are welcome to all who are reading this as I try to communicate the story and how we experienced the presence of God through the community that surrounded us in the midst of trial.

Grace and peace,

Tom

Happy Birthday Jacob....

2011-05-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Jacob Kirkendall.

19 years old today!

So thankful for your life.

Jake speaking at Faith Community

2010-12-08T22:25:00.000-08:00

I have been "blogging" on www.kirkendallministries.com/blog - but I thought I would write a quick update here about Jake.

Jake is winding up his first semester at Cabrillo College where he is majoring in Fire Science. He has also been working part-time at Freeline Surf in Capitola. Overall he is doing awesome but the lingering challenges are the graft sites on his thumb and heel and the pain in his back. He has appointments this week with Physical Therapy and Podiatry. Last week we saw his plastic surgeon who did a little work on the small spot that is not healing well still. Jake nicked it a couple of months ago on kelp while surfing and the wound would normally take a few days to heal - but Jake's thumb has been through a lot and is delicate. The heel is challenging finding shoes that won't rub and cause sores.

Recovery just does not seem to be a definitive amount of time. I guess when one faces death, coma, 8 surgeries, etc, etc patience is still a necessity.

This Sunday, Jake will be sharing with Pastor Nick Hart at Faith Community Church. The subject is joy - how can there still be joy in the midst of...well if your reading this blog, you know. Faith Community meets at the Rio Theater in Santa Cruz at 10:30. You should be able to download the podcast next week by visiting the site if you would like to listen in.

Merry Christmas.

Tom (daddy)

There was dancing.

2010-11-22T22:50:00.000-08:00

We have a new website (kirkendallministries.com) with a blog in it but I wanted to post a few pictures here from the Burn Unit Gala 2010.

Last year, at Gala 2009 Jake was fresh out of the hospital. Last year Jake was accompanied by a wheelchair, helmet, pik line with medicine bottle, and two very tired and anxious parents. We had to leave early, before the dancing, because Jake was in horrible pain. This year, styling in a pinstriped suit, there was dancing. This year Jake shared his story and gave tribute to Greg Hansen for saving his life. This year we danced and laughed and hugged - nurses, doctors, friends - and we celebrated. And then two very tired and not quiet as anxious parents left with Jacob and Robbie still dancing. We are so very thankful.

Getting ready for the Gala I went to our favorite cleaners in Capitola to get my suit taken in. The owner was there and asked me what the special occasion was. She was tearful when she heard that I was Jake’s dad. Please continue to pray for our opportunities. In a real sense, Jacob’s Journey continues as we live out daily life in the community. When Jake speaks to a youth group or customer at the surf shop, when I go to the hospital, when Jensen and I serve a meal, we are able to share the story of a miracle.

You can keep following through the facebook page "Santa Cruz Compassion Network" and the website kirkendallministries.com.

Grace and Peace - and Happy Thanksgiving.

Tom (daddy)

Quick update and link

2010-11-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

If you are interested in seeing a picture of the group of us at the World Burn Congress, click on this link to Pray for Jake Facebook page. It was an incredible trip. I wrote a bit on the blog on our website: Kirkendallministries.com

We are not really writing much these days here. Robbie is writing on his blogs and I am starting to do more writing again through the website. It feels good to be expressing ourselves through the paths that have emerged from Jake's trauma. What is coming out for each of us, in our own ways is about caring for others in the midst of their own hardship. In a huge way, you that supported us have inspired us to make sure that "none are alone in suffering."

Grace and peace continue...

Tom (daddy)

New Blog Post

2010-10-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

I just posted a new blog on www.kirkendallministries.com/blog.

Surf Texas: World Burn Congress

2010-10-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

Jake and I recently found out that we will be attending the World Burn Congress. This is an annual gathering of more than 700 burn survivors, families, care givers, burn professionals and firefighters put on by the Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors. It is a forum of encouragement and facilitation of stories, support and increasing knowledge of burn recovery. For many it is the first opportunity to meet and share with others who have experienced burn trauma.

This year it is in Galveston, Texas, and though as a family we all really wanted to go, we do not have the finances to make that work. What a blessing it was when Scott from the the San Jose Firefighters Burn Foundation called Jake and offered to send him and me. Jake and I are excited for a father-son trip... Jake did some googling and was excited to see it is a surf town.

Surfing Texas may not happen because a few weeks ago Jake got an infection in his thumb. He was surfing and hit it slightly on a rock. It was a good reminder that anything "normal" is not really "normal" around these injuries. Jake only has one blood vessel instead of two so infection is more likely. Plus he was in the ocean - not a very sterile environment. Debbie took him to the hospital and he was almost admitted. They had not seen a thumb like this before - grafted, fused, swollen, red... they put Jake on some anti-biotics and followed up a few days later with a plastic surgeon. Things are a ton better but as of yesterday he still has not been cleared for the ocean - suffering surfer! Today he is getting a new splint made to better protect his thumb when he is using it - have you ever tried not using your thumb for a day?

For me personally being able to attend the World Burn Congress is an opportunity to open up the ministry door a little wider as we continue to explore what God has for us. It is a humbling joy to weekly serve as a chaplain to the Burn Unit and other ICU's at Valley Medical. I get to visit nurses, doctors, therapists and patients in a place that was a significant part of this journey. I remember each time I walk in how hard it was to be there - how I could at times only stay in for minutes - while I watched Jake struggle for life. Now I get to engage in conversation with others on their journey. Though each story is different - there exists a bond in the suffering. The best ministry that we can have is by simply being present - showing up - listening - loving.

Recently in the burn unity I was able to visit with a woman who had been badly burned. The first time I visited her, she could not talk so I shared a bit why I was there which included a brief story about Jake. Each week as a came in - there was huge improvement. You know how it is when you do not see a friends kids for while - your amazed at how they have grown? Growth when we are up close seems so slow...we need to step back and remember. The last time I saw her she was in a wheel chair sitting up and smiling. I was so excited and told her so. We talked for a while and I honestly do not remember if I prayed with her or not and I went to the next room. As I was gowning up, her husband poked his head in the door: "you can come back anytime - that is the first time I have seen her smile in a week." I really did not do anything - I just showed up.

The best ministry that we can have is being present - showing up - listening - loving.

God continues to direct us in creating this Santa Cruz Compassion Network - not in our timing but in His. Stepping forward in faith is about being present - showing up - listening -loving. We are still in the development stage as we raise funds and engage in conversations, forming to what God is leading. But honestly, each day I remember what we have been given by the community and that leads me to a vision of providing that ministry to others. One step at a time.

Grace and peace,

Tom (daddy)

The patience of faith...

2010-09-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

"Lord, grant me patience. But I want it now!"

I still remember that being on my mom's wall in her kitchen growing up. There are so many times that I think I am so incredibly patient only to realize that I am patient up to a point. I will pray and ask God and wait but then I either think it has been long enough and God should have answered by now - so I act. I have good intentions, I have technically prayed about it, but honestly it is me acting, not God.

It has been said that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. It has just been a year since Jake woke up from his coma. Patience is not about waiting a reasonable amount of time; it is about realizing that time, relative to God, is like a pinprick in the in the canvas of the universe. How dare I tell God, "time is up." How dare I try to push God into doing something because I can't wait any longer. Who do I think I am?

God is fully in control and fully loves me and fully cares about my life. He has chosen me, forgiven me, and longs to be in relationship with me. Yet I am not the cornerstone of his plan. His timing is right. His plan is right.

These thoughts are in me as I remember all that God has done over the years. I have been unemployed or underemployed for several years. I have questioned often what God is doing - especially when faced with Jacob almost dying. I have given my life to ministry for God and caring for others. I have wondered and questioned as I have been on my knees before God seeking for him to change things. I have rejoiced at miraculous. I have thought I was patient - but he continues to teach me I have a long way to go. So often what I think I am doing for God is really doing it for myself.

For several years know this vision of something new and different has been forming in me. I have made various attempts to move toward it and yet it seems that I was forcing it and it was about me. Patience is not about me. Over these last several years I have kept the conversation going and especially over this last year that conversation is moving into reality. God is setting up a mosaic and if I stand too close I only see the individual colors and they are pretty nice. But if I patiently take a step back I start to see how the amazing individual colors form quite a masterpiece.

Although Jake's accident turned our family upside down, we experienced the amazing love of community...so many of you provided a web of support carrying us into the presence of God. Our desire is to create a unified network of churches and individuals equipped, empowered and ready to respond to those in need. It has been said many times, we are blessed to be a blessing.

I am continuing to serve as a volunteer chaplain at Valley Medical (where Jake was in the Burn Unit). It has been a blessing to pray and care for those I encounter. I have also partnered with Faith Community Church to create the Santa Cruz Compassion Network, a unified response to those who are hurting. Our goal is to "unite, equip, and mobilize the collective Church in Santa Cruz County to be a proactive and responsive catalyst of Christ's compassionate love in and to our community."

Please continue to pray for us as we build this ministry. As Jake begins to tell his story and encourage youth and as we work to make sure that no one is left alone in suffering, our desire is to continue this community that began with Jacob's Journey. We are in the process of raising up partners who will support us in this ministry. I am so thankful that Faith Community is providing oversight and guidance and desires that this is not a ministry about one church but the collective Church - the people of God raising up and reflecting the love of Christ.

We have created a website kirkendallministries.com. The hope is that this is a hub to get information, blogs, etc related to our family. Also we are building a website for santacruzcompassion.com. There is a link on these pages as to how you can support this ministry us.

Faith is not trying to do a little bit beyond the reasonable - it is trusting in the God of miracles to do that which he has called us to do. We are called to reveal the Kingdom of God. The God who has done miracles - we have seen it...
Heb 11:2      Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
James 2:17   faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

Gal 5:6         the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself in love...

"I waited patiently for the Lord, He turned to me and heard my cry." Ps 40:1

Grace and peace,

Tom (Daddy)

...you still there?

2010-08-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a much easier summer than last year. Is that the biggest understatement ever?

I wrote last that we really would not be posting here anymore. Yet I have had a few people tell me that they will check here anyway. Hopefully soon we will have a blog integrated with a website and newsletter. I have not really known what to write. That did not stop me before I just logged on and wrote. But then it was an, "I do not care what others think" as I was so focused on updates about Jake and calling to others for prayer. It was a time of desperation and woundedness that I have not felt in a long time. What is going on now for me is trying to make sure I step back and understand what God is laying before us and which path we should be taking. My barrier to writing is really myself.

My mom took me aside after the last post and was concerned that I was living in angst about what next tragedy might take place. How cool is it to have a mom that loves me enough to do that? I actually really appreciated that. The truth is that I am not living in angst but I am also not naive enough to think we have had all the tragedy already. People had already referred to me as Job before Jake's accident. In fact I remember sharing in a sermon once that with all else that God had allowed us to go through - he had been protecting my family. I was thinking about writing a book called "The Unsuccessful Life." Yet through all that has happened, God has been present - not just carrying us through but refining us and shaping us to be who he wants us to be.

Paul asked this question in Galatians: "Have you suffered so many things in vain?" (3:4) Then in Romans he says, "I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us." (3:18) We want so desperately to make perfect sense of the suffering that we go through. And really, ultimately we can't. We can see blessings in the midst of heartache - beauty come from ashes. But honestly there is still confusion and a lingering around the "why" question. Confusion or lack of clarity is okay on our part. Perfect understanding, though we seek it, is not something to rely on. I memorized Proverbs 3:5-6 in high school "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. But in all your ways acknowledge God and He will set your path straight."

God is present in the midst of our suffering. That is still the biggest take away from Jacob's Journey for me. Suffering hits without prejudice and no one' s suffering is greater or lesser than another. Pain is pain. Heartache is heartache. Loss is loss. Suffering is in vain if we resist it's shaping of our hearts and enriching of our soul.

I have had many conversations lately about the vision that God has laid on my heart. Conversations that bring feedback leading to both clarification and confusion. Some of the conversations are interviews and some are just brainstorming. But it seems that the path emerges just enough to know where to take the next step but not the next several steps. All are steps of faith. All are steps of provision.

I am still working two days a week as a volunteer chaplain at Valley Medical. I know that this is a time of refining and teaching me as much as it is for me to minister to others. And I long to be used by God for others to have some sort of greater degree of hope. So many asked us during Jake's trauma, "what can we do?" and we responded, "just pray." The only thing is so often the best thing that we can do: "pray". I get so frustrated because I feel like I have more to offer. I entered one room recently and that wife was crying and just shooed me away. That is the ministry that she needed on that day.

I often think of Jim and Sue bringing us burritos almost every night. The consistent love that was shown not in the big flashy help but the "burrito in the name of Christ" love that is bound up in a relationship. What can we do to provide practical love to those in the midst of trauma. That is the bigger vision that continues to press on my temple. I pray that we would see the Church unified - all these little churches, ministries and individuals that love Christ and deeply desire love others. As you all surrounded us, I want to see the church surround others - no matter what their faith is. How cool would it be for others to really see Christ in us as we care for and love others - compassion is action. That is what Jesus called us to and what Paul tried to help us to understand.

God continues to build me in that direction. I have been able to work for the US Census for a few more weeks than expected. I was rehired for two more operations. But that ended last week. So the income factor is a major concern and prayer. God seems to continue to provide just enough to make it each week.

We are getting ready to take Robbie back to Biola soon, Jensen will start Jr. High and Jake will be starting classes at Cabrillo College. Jake continues to struggle with some wound care issues on his heal and his back is continuing to hurt. We have a good handle on what he needs to do - basically strengthen his core muscles to make up for the missing and damaged muscles.

God is our refuge and strength,        an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
       and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
       and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
       the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
       God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
       he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD,
       the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
       he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
       he burns the shields with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
       I will be exalted among the nations,
       I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us;
       the God of Jacob is our fortress. (Ps 46)

Grace and peace

Tom (daddy)

Jake still owes me a post here. So keep looking for that!

Altered State

2010-07-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have written. Even now as I sit here I am having a hard time knowing what to write. I think most of all I wanted to explain what has been going on in our lives. Ministry continues to emerge for us: slowly, prayerfully, carefully. Robbie with writing and working at summer camp, Jake as an encouragement to all he meets, and Tom (me) as a chaplain/pastor in the community.

Having missed last summer, Jacob is truly enjoying this summer. June 28th was the 1 year anniversary of his accident and it was just a normal day - nice to be able to say that. We did not really talk about it being the 1 year anniversary - we didn't need to. Last Sunday was harder though. Debbie and I took Jensen up to Camp Hammer and dropped him off like we did last year - that was the night we got THE phone call that radically altered our lives. No phone call this year - Jake came home that night, Jensen and Robbie remained safe at their camps.

Throughout his recovery, Jake has just wanted things to be normal. We have commented over and over again that "normal" has been redefined. Things will never be the same. Yet I realized recently that I am having a hard time accepting "normality". I want more. Our lives have been altered. How do I operate in this altered state? We have stood in the presence of miracles and have been forever changed. But now what? I have been waiting for the next bad thing to happen - the next tragedy - the next trauma. Debbie mentioned it and it woke me up to this underlying nagging pain in my heart that is waiting for the next time of alarm - the next phone call - the next hardship.

(Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. - Mayo Clinic)

Why is there guilt that Jake is doing incredibly well? He is surfing, driving, preparing for college, and working at Freeline again. He is able to be where he wants to be - with his friends (and sometimes gracing our presence too). It is a daily discipline to walk with an expectation that God is going to show up and that no matter what happens - good or bad - he is in control and is present. Miracles by definition are not "normal" but supernatural alteration of normal. We are dramatically altered when God shows up and we abide with him. But we can also abide and in God and be altered in the "normality" of life - because God being present is never normal, never boring, never staying the same. Check out 1 John 3: God loves us and calls us his children and how we are right now is not how we will be in the future - he is shaping and developing us to become like him - we are in the midst of being altered.

Jake still has some altering to do - not just spiritually but physically. He is still dealing with wound care issues and back pain. At some point there are procedures to restore hair and free up movement on his arm. Most likely the back pain is due to the missing lat muscles and he just needs to intentionally strengthen the other muscles to support that valuable spine.

My path continues to be altered as well. Twice a week I am a "volunteer chaplain" at Valley Medical Hospital (where we spent almost 3 months). I am focusing my ministry here on ICU and Emergency Units. There is a tremendous need for spiritual care and it is a priority for the hospital and yet there is little funding. So I am in the process of raising financial support to allow me to do this as a ministry. Kind of crazy to me that this is where God is leading me. I was a huge cry baby when I was here last year. I remember through tears listening to doctors and nurses as they explained Jake's condition. My first visit as a chaplain was in the Burn Unit. Going to the Burn Unit first was intentional on my part but what was not intentional was that the first room I would go in was Jacob's room. I was intending to go into the one next door but after I gowned up (hat, mask, gloves, gown) the nurse whispered delicately showing me I was using the wrong cart. So I boldly, nervously walked into Jacob's old room. Strange how different it looked. Awesome to be able to make a new friend. Redeeming to know that life can come in the midst of ashes.

I am learning that being a chaplain is mostly about "showing up, shutting up and staying out of the way." A co-worker shared that with me and it is constantly on my mind. I have called it "purposeful presence" and added "point out God." It is less about what I say and more about being there - being available - listening - being open to God's lead. Just showing up is huge. Like so many that visited us - showing up meant a lot.

I have thought a lot about the familiar story that Jesus shared about he man beaten and left for dead on the street. Religious leaders passed by but the lowlife, unclean Samaritan stopped and went out of his way to help. Though it was a parable or made up story - it happens and that man who was dying has a name. He is the man in ER who fell and broke his rib, overdosed, can't breath - Arthur. He is Peter who had been clean and sober for 3 years but took a drink last week - his father is dying, brother-in-law just died, lost his job and was trying to find a handle on hope. The bottle of whiskey seemed like it was a familiar friend and an easy handle but that hope disappointed. Peter is ready again to start at step one, day one to be clean and sober again. There are so many stories. I was able to be there last week to help Maria as her mom had just died. And to listen to Mark's explanation of why he was on drugs and why a stranger had cut him. There is so much tragedy at the Inn where the Samaritan brings the wounded.

The conversations continue. Jacob's story is still a source of encouragement - people amazed at the miracle. God continues to make alterations - snipping away - creating us into who he wants us to be. I pray that we will continue to abide in Him, hope in Him, look for Him.

Please continue to pray for us as our ministries expand. If God is leading for you to support us financially, I am partnering with MIC (Medical Institutions Chaplains). The donation information and address is on the left hand side of this blog. I will soon have a web site up and a newsletter available that you can choose to subscribe. I would love to have you continue to join our journey in prayer and conversation.

Also look for a post here from Jake soon.

In the Hope of His presence.

Tom (daddy)

Robbie's 1st Published work...

2010-06-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

I know many of you will want to share in this as you have engaged with Rob's writings here and on his own blog (Liquid Religion). As a proud father, I wanted to share with you all this link: Robbie's Article in Relevant Magazine

More to come this week....

Tom (proud daddy of 3)

New Post on Robbie's Blog:

2010-06-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

http://liquidreligion.wordpress.com/

Check it out!

-Robbie (Jake's Bro)

Stepping back to move forward

2010-06-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

Jake went back. He has been to the Burn Unit on his own just to visit those that worked so hard to save his life and become so dear to us. It was good timing as this week has been especially difficult for the burn unit - they were encouraged to see one of their successes. Each of the people in this first picture were very involved in Jake's care and the second picture is of Dr. Karanas, head surgeon of the burn unit and Jill Sproul, the nurse manager. They are such a joy to us.

Last week Jake was a CIT (counselor in training) at a camp for children (8-15) who are burn survivors. It was an incredibly impactful week for him as he begins to give back and bless others. Many of the counselors were nurses, doctors, and firefighters and Jake enjoyed the time he spent with them and gained insight into his continued care for his own wounds.

I am continuing to volunteer as a chaplain at Valley Med and build a support base to continue our ministry. Last week after doing rounds I went up to visit the Burn Unit and then sat outside at our old waiting area as I did some journalling and praying for those I had just visited. A doctor walked by and did a double-take seeing me sit there. He was one that I think was with the pulminary doctors who took over when we almost lost Jake due to lung damage. We had a great conversation and was so glad to hear Jake was doing so well. He had no idea.

This last picture is of Jake with Dr. Aaron Burger. He was at Kaiser and did Jake's thumb surgery. He and Jake had a great connection. Jake was able to see him today at the burn unit.

Monday will be the one year mark of Jacob's injury and the beginning of this journey. Though the journey will continue we have reached a place closure. The intention of this blog was to be an easy way to communicate to family and friends what was happening with Jake. It became so much more and has been an amazing experience. I feel that it is time to close out this blog. We are in the process of establishing a website to serve as hub for connecting to updates on our family and ministries. With that will be a newsletter that you can choose to receive (or not). I will post the connection here as soon as it is up and running.

More to come...

Tom (daddy)

^"For I consider that the sufferings of this present timeare not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing forthe revealing of the sons of God." Romans 8:18-19

Christening of Robbie's blog!

2010-06-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Check it out and join in on the fun and conversation! http://liquidreligion.wordpress.com/

The current post (the only one so far) is an introduction of what I want to do with the blog. Real posts to come soon...

As the bottle breaks, here's to a crazy-awful year and all the glimpses of God within this tragedy, and the joyous miracle of Jake's recovery.

And thanks to all of you who encouraged me to pursue writing and continue blogging.

http://liquidreligion.wordpress.com/

-Rob (Jake's bro)

Coach Charlie Wedemeyer

2010-06-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

Coach Charlie Wedemeyer was an Inspiration (click for SJ Mercury article)
~ they should change the title to IS and inspiration ~

Several times during Jacob's Journey I thought of this family and their journey. He was my high school football coach and was an incredible man with an incredible gift and testimony. I thought of his wife Lucy who had hurt her neck and lifting her husband in and out of bed as we helped Jacob in and out of bed. We did it for a few months - the Wedemeyers did it for almost 30 years. What an encouragement to know that God's hand was on them and that in the midst of suffering God's presence sustained them.

Coach is walking, singing, running, throwing, loving in the Presence of the object of his faith.

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for salvation of everyone who believes... For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written, "The righteous will live faith."" Romans 1:16, 17

Tom (daddy)

He did it!!!

2010-06-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

Jacob's Journey, as we have called this, took an incredible pause for celebration today. I got to the Cabrillo College stadium early. The Jr High graduation had just ended and I was totally confused by all the people. No robes, boy they look young. Ahh not seniors but 8th graders. I called Jake. "Where are you." I was hoping to connect and hang out before his graduation. "I am at the beach, do you have any food?" He wants to be on his own unless I am going to feed him. :) Typical teenager.

It was a great day. The principal summarized some of the accomplishments of the class: sports championships, academic accomplishments, and charitable contributions. He also mentioned something about Jacob Kirkendall being present to graduate. There was also the word miracle in there but I could not really hear as I was sitting in between Debbie and her sister Julie - the noise was deafening. I teared up a bit and almost lost my contact and as I tried to stand to join in the noise - I got whacked in the head. Nice, awesome, perfect. I will get the video.

It was incredible to consider - strike that - it is still incredible to consider all that Jake has gone through - all that we have gone through - where we still could be right now and yet he did it. He finished his senior year in the midst of over 4 months of hospitalization, several months of rehab, surgeries, etc etc etc. I guess you all know all that - in fact you are all so much a big part of this. I was so blessed today to meet more people for the first time that have been following Jake's journey and have been praying for us. Wow, what a privilege. I always feel so inadequate just saying thank you. There is so much more...so much to say "thank you" for.

Way to go Jake.

Daddy...(Tom)

Purple day?!

2010-05-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Graduation is imminent! I do not think that I have written in the blog that Jake has officially finished all of his class work and is graduating on June 3rd. We started late in the school year and I would sit down with him and help a lot. Over these last couple of months he has done it all on his own as he has weened me away from him. Looking back...the momentum is astounding. Just as a flywheel is very difficult to turn and get moving but as the momentum takes over the energy exerted to keep it moving is minimal.

-----

flywheel |ˈflīˌ(h)wēl| - a heavy revolving wheel in a machine that is used to increase the machine's momentum and thereby provide greater stability or a reserve of available power during interruptions in the delivery of power to the machine.-----
There is a lot going on: Jake turned 18, honored by the Red Cross, birthday party, finished school and then Graduation on June 3rd. Aptos High holds their graduation at Cabrillo College at 2pm. Aptos has been great in making sure he got a yearbook, cap and gown, etc. I realized I am going to have to create my own graduation announcement as we never order any. Secretly I like that idea. I am officially declaring June 3rd "purple" day in honor of Jake's graduation...I am going to get my family to wear purple to the graduation...any are welcome to join us. I found some cheap t-shirts at Target.
In the midst of this momentum, our family celebrations continue. Jensen turns 13 and will graduate from 6th grade. Robbie will be home soon and working up at Mount Hermon (a youth camp not far from us). Debbie's teaching aid job is coming to an end for summer, and I am transitioning from the temp job at the Census to chaplain ministry.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Grace and peace,
Tom (daddy)

Hero Breakfast

2010-05-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Jacob Kirkendall and Greg Hansen honored as Red Cross heroes

That's the current newspaper headline.

This morning we were able to attend the "Santa Cruz County Red Cross Local Heroes Breakfast." We found out in April that Jake was nominated as youth hero and was asked if Jake would accept. The very cool part of it is that Jake would be awarded this along with Greg Hansen, our dear friend and Jacob Saver. Greg was recognized as the Rescue Professional Hero. Each recipient was interviewed on video with their story which was played just before they were recognized. Greg and Jake were interviewed together at the fire station, telling their story - one so many of us know so well. The tears came back for me as I am so thankful, incredibly grateful for Jake's life, his healing, friendship with Greg, and his future. I am so proud of him.

One of the things that I noticed this morning was a common theme among those honored. To one degree or another, each hero seemed to deflect some of the praise as they told of others that supported them, encouraged them, inspired them. So often we hold up individuals as heroes and yet as we have found over and over again - it is the community. Sorry if that seems to be a broken record but each step we take points this out again and again. As I pursue chaplaincy, I do not do it alone...I do not want to do it alone. I will get to be in the trauma units and ER with patients and families, being the hands and feet of and offering prayers of encouragement with a community behind me. Jake is going to be able to be a counselor at a burn camp for youth. But he does not go alone; he has this entire community behind him who have supported us and prayed for us and encouraged us. WE ARE BLESSED TO BE A BLESSING.

Check out the links below on the breakfast and all of the heroes.

Santa Cruz Sentinel Article Click here
Red Cross Heroes Page Click here

Grace and Peace,

Tom (daddy)

Happy Birthday Jacob

2010-05-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

On this day, May 17th 1992, Jacob Kirkendall was born.

The incredible thing about him turning 18 is the realization that he almost did not make it past 17. Here we are celebrating his LIFE...enjoying his LIFE...being so thankful for his LIFE. Andy Lewis, pastor at Faith Community Church, reminded me on Sunday that God desires for us to pause and celebrate, reflect, rejoice and remember the incredible way that he works in our lives...the blessings that we have received. Today I can honestly say that throughout this day I remembered. Jake and I went to breakfast - a father-son tradition since Rob, Jake and Jensen were toddlers. Just a normal day eating and sharing enjoying each other. Then Jake and I went about our day. But as I drove around for the Census I kept remembering the gift of Life we have been given. I went into the bank and told the teller that it was my sons birthday - not just any day - a birthday that he almost did not make it to - she had heard of Jake's story. Somehow this has shaped us and the story continues to come out.

There is more to come over the next days as we celebrate together - birthdays and graduations - times to pause and remember, reflect and be so very thankful.

I have said it so often but please know that we are continually thankful for each of you and the support, encouragement that you have shared with us. You have taught me what the Body of Christ is all about. You have modeled for me the ministry that I want to unfold for others - to surround those that are in the midst of their tragedy, praying for them, caring for them, and helping them to grip hope a little bit tighter.

On Wednesday Jake will be receiving a hero award from the Santa Cruz Red Cross for attempting to put out the fire. Greg Hansen will also be recognized for rescuing Jake. They have a friendship - a bound that will continue as they continue to help others. Then on June 3rd Jake will graduate from Aptos High School. He had 5 classes to finish. He only has about 20% of 5th class left. It was done by computer as independent study. At first I was pretty involved in helping. Now Jake is on his own - even meeting with his teacher on his own. Then on June 11th Jake leaves for Champ Camp. He will be a CIT (Counselor in Training) for this camp for children ages 8 - 15 who are survivors. This is going to be an incredible experience for him.

There is a lot going on as Jensen's birthday is coming up too (13) as well has his graduation from 6th grade. Amazing opportunities to pause and celebrate.

So much to be grateful for,

Tom (daddy)

A letter from Tom

2010-05-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

As way of keeping you all in the know, this letter explains the door that God continues to be widening. A ministry to those in tragedy. I sent this out today...

-----------------------------------

Dear Friends - May 10. 2010

As most of you know, on June 28th 2009, our family’s world was turned upside down as our middle son, Jacob, was severely injured by 21,000 volts of electricity (If you need more information, see www.journeythroughfire.blogspot.com.) There was but one thing we were assured of: this journey would be a roller coaster. Indeed it has been, as Jake fluctuated between death and life, recovery and set-backs. Looking back over this past year, it is difficult to fathom all that has happened, but we know God has been in the midst of it.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” James 1:2-3

We have seen the hand of God move: healing Jake, sustaining each of us, and calming our hearts with the reality of His presence. The community that has grown around us has been such an incredible encouragement to us. Jake is basically back to “normal”: surfing, riding his bike, driving, finishing his senior year. Now it is time for the next faith step.

“And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:4-5

Months prior to Jake’s accident, I was interested in becoming a hospital chaplain and was told to contact Larry Wildemuth, the chaplain coordinator and chaplain for MIC (Medical Institutions Chaplains) at Valley Medical Hospital in San Jose. Our first meeting, however, was not about a job, but was when Larry visited us in Jacob’s room in the ICU Burn Center. Over the last several months I have had conversations and interviews with Larry, other chaplains, pastors, as well as the board of MIC. God has prepared and ordained the steps before me and they MIC Board has been appointed me to be a chaplain with MIC serving at the same hospital we spent over 2 months.

“But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind, for that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” James 1:6-8

There is a tremendous need for trained, dependable chaplains in the hospital system. Though there is a mandate to care for the spiritual needs of patients, the funding is limited. MIC is a faith-based mission, serving these chaplains who raise their own funds. Would you prayerfully consider partnering with me as I walk alongside families, victims and communities in the midst of tragedy? During our journey with Jake, we received such a tremendous outpouring of prayer and support. God has uniquely guided our path for this opportunity. Hope can be so elusive, but in community we can gather around the hurting - helping them to find the peace and grace found in Christ.

“Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes, so also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.” James 1:9-11

MIC is a non-profit 501(c)3 organization so your donations are tax-deductible. They will provide ministry oversight, accountability and guidance as I grow this chaplain ministry. This will also include additional training and certification to increase my ministry as a trauma chaplain. My vision is to expand the ministry into Santa Cruz County as I expand my connections with churches and emergency response services. As a family, we have also begun to create a non-profit that specifically ministers to families during their time at the Burn Unit at Valley Medical.

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

Each meeting that I have, each conversation I hold, even the books that I read, confirm that God is moving me in this direction. It is a step of faith, yes, but so is each day regardless of what we think will happen. God is the one who fully holds things together and will affirm and direct us. There is beauty that comes through the ashes as we move along this “journey through fire” with our eyes on the cross.

In grace and peace,

Tom Kirkendall

Chaplain

Medical Institutions Chaplains

Tax-deductible support can be sent to:

Medical Institutions Chaplains

751 S. Bascom Ave

San Jose, CA 95128

Note on check: Kirkendall Fund

Brief update...

2010-05-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give out some quick updates. There is a lot going on as we move forward...

First: for those who have been praying for Michelle and Nick (see April 20th blog), Michelle is doing well and they are sending her home to continue rehab! Very cool. Here is a link to their church website which is keeping a blog update: Paseo del Rey Church

Second: I have been praying for a friend in our community who has been admitted to a burn unit. Please just pray for Lady X - God will know who she is...

Third: Family update...we are anticipating two graduations!
Jensen from sixth grade and Jacob from high school! Jacob is winding up his last two classes online and picked up his graduation robe last week. I went down and spent the weekend with Robbie - what a blessing it was - refreshing. I brought back his truck to borrow while I am working for the Census this month.

We are working toward this continuation of the journey - opportunities to continue to unfold the blessings we have received to bless others. "We are blessed that we might bless others." Working the Census right now is out of necessity to get in a bit of income. God continues to expand the ministry of caring for others in the midst of tragedy. (More on that soon.) Jacob was accepted as a counselor-in-training for Champ Camp which is a camp for children who are burn survivors. My sister Kirky will also be there as a counselor. Robbie will be working at Mount Hermon, a Christian camp, this summer on staff with their High School Camp. We are also working toward establishing a non-profit to come alongside those while they are in the burn center - to enable a community such as we have been blessed with.

There are moments that I stop and just shake my head in disbelief as to just how incredible life is when it is given back to you. Jacob doing so much of what makes Jake, Jake: surfing, driving, school, graduation, just being with his friends. I have been learning to let go. This is so difficult as it is an exercise in faith and in trust. God has brought us through all of this that we might walk with others on their journey. In so many ways we are not worthy of God's attention. In so many ways we fail each other and God and ourselves. Yet there is grace - the blessings that come in acceptance not because of our worth but despite the penalty that we truly deserve. This grace is received and is also a pattern for us to provide it for others in our life. That I would treat others with the same grace that I have been given.

So that is a brief update. Please continue to contact us as to how we can pray for you and for those that are going through tragedy.

In grace and peace,

Tom (daddy)

Back in the water!

2010-04-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a picture just says it all!!!!!

Please pray for Michelle and Nick

2010-04-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

Link: Church Blog Update

Michelle and Nick Cannariato were married on Mission Bay Saturday afternoon, April 17.

Soon after Michelle and Nick arrived at their hotel in San Diego for their honeymoon night, Michelle's speech began to become slurred and she became unresponsive. She had "seizure-like" symptoms. Nick called 911 and Michelle was taken to Kaiser Hospital at Zion and Mission Gorge Road. Because of Michelle's agitation, the staff was not able to complete a thorough CAT Scan or MRI Sunday morning.

Sunday night, Michelle was able, under general anesthesia, to undergo an MRI. A neurologist was present to read the test. At about 10pm he shared with Dan and Tammy (Nick had gone home to try to get a few hours sleep) that Michelle has suffered a stroke in a deep part of her brain, affecting her right side. As you could imagine, a stroke for a 20 year old is very unusual. Dan asked about the size of the stroke, and the doctor termed it "medium."

Tests on Monday have shown that Michelle has a benign (non-cancerous) tumor about the size of a golf ball in her heart, which they believe was the cause of her stroke. They also found a small hole in her heart. The cause of her stroke is important and good to know so they can work hard to prevent subsequent strokes. Of course it's never good to have a tumor in one's heart, or a hole. Possible open heart surgery--after she begins to heal
and recover from the stroke and it's effects--is difficult, with various complications involved--but we are hopeful. They also discovered that one of her carotid arteries is partially blocked. No dates for her possible heart surgery are known at this time and we would only be speculating to even guess.

The neurologist met with Nick Monday morning and shared that the road of recovery will be long for Michelle being that she has suffered a significant stroke. He also shared that it is beneficial that Michelle is young, in good health, is determined and has a great support group of family and friends (and our great God!) all of which will aid in her recovery process. Michelle has been somewhat more responsive Monday, although the stroke has affected areas of speech.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!
Amen.

another step toward normalcy

2010-04-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

Debbie and I are wrapping a couple of days away in Monterey (thanks to our family for the gift). We are sitting at Peets Coffee doing what we do: Debbie reading a novel and I with my computer open - reading about another friend requesting prayer for one in tragedy. It is Monday and I am anticipating the week. I have a tendency to talk schedules with my family - what is coming up, how we are going to orchestrate the cars, etc. It can be frustrating for them as settling down in the present can be difficult - but what I have come to realize is that it helps me to be present when we have a clear plan for the future. While planning is good, for me it is also a trust issue. On the way to Monterey on Saturday I started talking about this week with Debbie - she indulged me and actually started asking me questions - I felt so affirmed, so valued, so cared for. Crazy how something little that can be such a nuisance can also show that you care. Listening to someone holds value. (Thanks for listening here.)

This week is crazy. I accepted a temp job with the Census. I did it a year ago and really did not like it. I get to meet all these great people in our community and have to ask superficial questions - when so many are dealing with so much. But it is a such an answer to prayer - a provision of faith - as I transferred the last of our savings to our checking last week and have temp job next week. Tomorrow morning I will be speaking to a mission board regarding chaplaincy - I have already been approved as a volunteer chaplain at Valley Medical and hope to expand that to Santa Cruz. It is a step of obedience, a step of faith, a step toward God's calling - to minister to those in the midst of tragedy. I see it as an opportunity not to help tighten their grip on hope - to actually grasp my hand around their hand. God continues to increase each week conversations that provide a wind to my back knowing God is directing.

So for Jake, he was able to work on Saturday at Freeline Design - the first time since June 28th. What an amazing family Freeline has been to Jake and to us. What a blessing it is for him to work their again. What a blessing for Debbie and I to actually go away for a couple of nights and have Jake help take care of Jensen. Steps of normalcy that we have forgotten how sweet.

For those that are in the Santa Cruz area, this Friday is a county-wide worship concert. They asked me to share a bit of Jake's Journey here is the link: INSPIRE

Gotta run - there is probably more. Thanks for the continued partnership...

grabbing onto hope,

Tom (daddy)

View from the Summit, part 2

2010-04-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a while since I have posted here. In fact just now I spent over an hour writing and lost the whole thing - it auto saves so I have no idea how this blogger dumbed it. I hit post and it just disappeared. I think that God thought less of what I wrote than I did... so starting afresh.

First, I wanted to share this prayer request that we received through facebook:

-------------------------------------

Michelle: I have been reading all about Jacob; I am so proud of him and everything your family has done, not just for him, but for others as well. I have also been trying to help Jessica Huse, she graduated from my son's school. Now I have a favor, Lauren Jones, from Rocklin, was injured in a sledding accident. She has a fractured skull, a broken leg and four bruised ribs. She's only 10 years old and still in ICU in Rocklin. Could we all please pray for her?

Her Caring Bridge site is:www.caringbridge.org/visit/sallyjones

-------------------------------------

To update you on Jacob.... he is where we longed for him to be while he was in a coma. He is with his friends as often as he can. He is driving his 1999 Volvo to meet them for pizza, to coffee shops to work on school on his laptop, to appointments and soon he will be back at work. And of course some day soon - back in the water. Can we please slow down a bit. This is tough on dad the most. I inherited my dads "I worry" gene. It is so great to be back to our normal 17-year old issues. Although I still hate these issues. :) Yes, so he is on track to graduate - two classes left and he will be done. He was also cleared by his doctor to return to work at Freeline. Jake still wears his splint on his thumb - I think it gives him more confidence and soon we will be increasing rehab on the thumb. We also down the line will be addressing hair and surgery to release tight skin grafts on his arm. But looking at Jake with his cap on his head - it is hard to tell he was jolted by a power line 10 months ago.

What is next for me? I accepted a temp job with the Census Bureau for the month of May. I did some work with them last year and though it is not my hearts desire - we need the money. Though I continue to "job search", God seems to be unfolding opportunities for me to do pastoral ministry. I am talking to churches and other ministries and follow this desire to be a chaplain in the community. I had a great meeting with two seasoned chaplains today as they helped me narrow my focus. I will update you next week as I know more.

We are also moving forward with a non-profit that will allow us to tell Jake's story and encourage others while we also practically raise money to help those in burn trauma. Conversations continue and plans are being made as God seems to be expanding opportunities. One of which is a friend that has gone through his own family trauma that has and great vision that speaks to my heart about a better way to provide an online community and communication format. An easy way to surround a family in midst of trauma and help meet their needs.

For those that still desire, we are keeping the Bank of the West account open. We are still in need of funds to meet our expenses and to help start the ministries that God seems to be opening up. You can find the bank information on the left side of the blog.

I read this last week. "Are you willing to be open to God's will for your life?" - Richard Sterns

So often I get in the way of what God is doing. But God is not giving up. He brings us through circumstances to shape us but also to prepare us for what is next.

"Christ has no body on earth but yours,

no hands but yours,

no feet but yours.

Yours are the eyes through which

Christ's compassion for the world is to look out,

yours are the feet with which he is to go about doing good

and yours are the hands with which he is to bless us now." - St. Teresa of Avila

God is less concerned about the form than about the heart. We see that in Jesus ministry. He reached out to the hurting, restored the wounded, loved those shunned - the unlovely. Jesus anger burned against those that used the form to define spirituality when the heart was rotten. We allow the form to separate us as we value appearance over all else. A person in trauma - wounded, desperate, scared - cares little about form. They cling to life, long for hope, seek a sliver of relief. In the midst of our day we make it rain or make the sun to shine simply by the position of our heart.

Still gripping hope...

Tom (daddy)

Pray for Julie Brown

2010-04-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

Please pray for Julie Brown, a fellow student of mine at Biola, who was in a car accident on Sunday with her brother. Her brother, Kevin, is out of the hospital and doing fine. Reports on Julie are positive, but she has some complications. This is the most recent update from her brother:

"Hey everyone, thanks for all your prayers and support. Julie and I were in a car accident near Gilroy on 101 driving back home for spring break early Sunday morning. Julie had had surgery on her legs and face yesterday, and so far reports are very positive.

Please pray that her breathing may deepen so that she will be able to come off respiratory support.

Also pray AGAINST infection in her legs and face.

MRI results confirmed that she has no brain or nerve damage! Praise the Lord!

I'll be posting updates to Julie's condition here."

You can follow this link, join the group and receive updates:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110471605640313&ref=nf&v=info

Peace,
Robbie

Easter morning thoughts...

2010-04-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

It is a quiet Easter morning right now. Coffee brewing, boys sleeping. Robbie came home on Thursday and we have truly enjoyed the blessing of each of our boys. How thankful that we are to have a sense of normality to our lives. With normality comes the reality of life though - dealing with those same issues that seem to frame our lives - little things that cause conflict: selfishness, greed, insecurity, fear, doubt...etc. There are things that we are dissatisfied with, long to change, wish would be different. Those things are situations, people, decisions. I work to remind myself daily of the miraculous gifts that have been received - countless miracles. God has done so much for me can I also not trust him in daily "normality" of life?

And then there is Easter. Yesterday I finished reading Luke - the last three chapters which are the events surrounding Jesus' arrest, trial, death and resurrection. Through the last two weeks, my thoughts have continued to dwell on the heart of the Father as he watched those he created, those he loved, those that he is about to save. He watched them murder his own son. How God's heart must have grieved not only as he watched his son suffer but has he watched his creation act with such evil. God's holiness stands in utter contrast to our sinfulness: patient, kind, gentle, merciful, peaceful, forgiving, selfless, humble...

The resurrected Jesus came back. After all that he went through he came back and stood in the midst of creation. He walked with some women on a road that lead to Emmaus. "Jesus himself appeared and stood among them as they spoke and to them, 'peace be with you.'" (24:36) He ate some fish. He opened their minds so that they could understand the Scriptures. "He told them, 'This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations beginning at Jerusalem.'" (Luke 24:46-47) There is something that blows me away in the simple fact that Jesus came back to the normality of life and gave them some assurance of what had happened (miraculous), what is happening (God's presence), and what will happen. The miraculous presence of God has not left you and will continue to unfold his plan - not just to you but through you.

Luke 24:48-49: "'I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.' When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them. While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. Then they returned to Jerusalem with great joy. And the stayed continually at the temple, praising God.'"

Everyone is up now. Jensen made me breakfast! The boys have searched out and found Easter baskets - with ants in the plastic eggs! So for me this morning I pray that God would sustain us to the peace that comes from his presence. That we would trust fully in the reminder of what he has done, what he is doing, and that no matter what tomorrow brings - he is there.

Remembering: Jesus came back!

Tom (daddy)

Onward, Captain!

2010-04-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

Rob here. It has been awhile. I wanted to check in with a general update

As many of you know, Jacob is gaining more independence--driving himself, wanting to go to appointments alone, probably graduating high school soon. I remember back in July or August, I was thinking about what it would be like to watch Jacob recover. It would not be like setting a broken bone--one day, everything is just all better. It is a very gradual process. Thus, it is very unreal. I don't know at what point to say, "Praise the Lord, he's back to normal!" What is normal? Things are completely different. About every two weeks I get this pang in my gut as I think about what things used to be like--and realizing that I still haven't fully processed what has happened.

Then there's this blog. In talking with my dad, we agree that there is not much use in posting immediate updates about Jacob (well, I admit, all along updates on Jake have been saturated in our own thoughts and struggles). He is not in critical condition, he is on his own, maybe he can even start posting blogs about whatever he wants. However, we still see this blog as a good step toward creating a network of support for critical medical emergencies and families in those situations. So maybe it will become a type of forum website for support.

Whatever the case, I am in the process of starting my own blog, specifically related to some thoughts, ideas and conversations that have been brewing in my life.

I say this because all of you who follow this blog have a very special place in my heart because of the community and support found in expressing myself here this past year (almost). I want to include as many of you as possible in the conversations on my new blog.

I look back and see God's hand over this last year--in the midst of the strife, leading us to where he wants us to be. Jacob is far down the road to recovery... my Dad is exploring direction for his employment/family life... Jensen is exiting grade school (!)... my Mom is working at his school again... and I have no doubt that many of you find yourself in unique and exciting places in your own story--some of your stories inextricably tied to ours. Making a new blog is a "next step" for me.

Life ebbs and flows in phases, endless complexities. As the distance between the present and June 28th, 2009 ever increases, I have begun to embark into cautious optimism in the face of struggle, doubt and apathy, communicated well by one of my current top songs:

The Captain, by Guster

I've come down with something

I'm frozen, tied up, cast in lead

It's simple, so says the captain

Face forward, move slow, forge ahead

I'm earning a reputation

My conscience, mistrust, and regret

Courageous, just like the captain

Marching forward, with no doubt in his head

Onward

Blessings,

Rob (Jake's brother)

For the Glory of Your Name

2010-03-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight at 7pm is the CD release concert for Josh Fox's "Radiant" album. Josh is a Pastor at Vintage Faith Church in Santa Cruz. We were able to participate in their services the Sunday before Jake's latest surgery. One of the songs on the album, "For the Glory of Your Name" was written late one night in the midst of tears as Josh was reading about this journey and praying for Jake.

So it is a gorgeous day in Santa Cruz - so those that are able, I suggest a quick dinner on the wharf to check out the waves and then head to Vintage. It will be a great night. So far I-tunes has one song on the album to download but here is Josh's website where you can sign up for updates etc: www.joshfoxmusic.com

As for a Jake update. He is doing great as he does therapy on his own, meets with his independent studies teacher on his own, leaving me in the dust more and more. Awesome isn't it? I am having a hard time to know what to write because well it is all so "normal"! Next week we have an appointment with the neurologists but only to go over his EEG which they already told us was normal. We will set a schedule to get him off of one of his last two medications.

I wish I had a link right now for you to be able to download Josh's song. As I have listened to it several times now - I am taken back to the burn unit - I see pictures of Jake and remember the emotions that came, the confusion that hung and the comfort that followed. Though we have reached a level of normalcy - of course - we will never be the same. In reading this morning I was taken to this verse:
Isaiah 40:10-11...
See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power and his arm rules for him.
See, his reward is with him and his recompense accompanies him.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: he gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

For the Glory of Your Name
by Josh Fox

let your presence rest in this place
let your presence rest like a sweet embrace
let your presence rest in this place
  like a sweet embrace

bring your healing power in this place
bring your healing let it fall like rain
bring your healing power in this place
  let it fall like rain - bring your healing power

we lift up our eyes to the one who can save
  come rescue us here Lord, for the glory of your name
we pour out our hearts to the ancient of days
  let your will be done Lord, for the glory of your name

let your freedom reign in this place
let your freedom reign through your saving grace
let your freedom reign in this place
  through your saving grace

bring your justice here in this place
bring your justice here let it break these chains
bring your justice here in this place
  let it break these chains - bring your justice here

we lift up our eyes to the one who can save

come rescue us here Lord for the glory of your name

we pour out our hearts to the ancient of days

let your will be done Lord for the glory of your name

for the glory of your name - for the glory of your name
we will call to you and you will come to save (repeats x3)

we lift up our eyes to the one who can save

come rescue us here Lord, for the glory of your name

we pour out our hearts to the ancient of days

let your will be done Lord, for the glory of your name

What a prayer to pour out to God. Not a God who is far but a God who is near and knows your pain, your suffering, your woundedness. And the might powerful God comes with recompense as his companion, restoration his intention.

Peace,

Tom (daddy)

Thoughts from the Summit part 1

2010-03-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

We are definitely on the summit of this journey. We also live up on the Summit of Santa Cruz.

Today "we" had two appointments at Kaiser. "We" actually equals "Jake" which he points out to me every time that I say it. I think that is a pretty good indication of this separation anxiety that I am feeling right now. Jake is is more and more moving toward independence - aka leaving me in the dust. Yes it is what I want but honestly, it is hard. Probably all the more because I am in full gear of needing to find a job of my own. Perhaps that will help when I finally get that back in my life. Today was simply a quick check-up on Jake's head and then about an hour or so getting an EEG reading for the Brain Waves. (Probably a "dad" joke in there somewhere about surfing the brain waves but Jake would roll his eyes at me.)

It all went smooth - nice to have uneventful appointments.

Jake is not on any pain medications at all. In fact very soon he will be down to simply vitamins. Pretty incredible. We so easily could have been in a totally different place right now - still in hands on recovery with Jake, not to mention that we could have lost him completely. The anxiety that I deal with now - releasing Jake, lack of job, another tragedy, etc begins to creep in and awaken a sinful response. It is a sin not to trust in God - to think he is not fully capable to handle that which I worry about. It is a sin to try to take control over which those things I have no control over.

Sunday morning I was lead to a verse that Debbie and I memorized before we were even dating: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

When someone tells me "not to worry" it never really helps. Jacob will often tell me to "relax." It honestly never really results in relaxing. Most likely because the context, tone of voice, intent is not a gentle encouragement. Paul here does not really state "do not be anxious" as a command but as a friend coming alongside and whispering in your ear. The sentence right before in Phil 5 says, "The Lord is near. And then right before that "Let your gentleness be evident to all." And then one more step back, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, "rejoice." So often I have read these verses, quoted these verses, meditated on releasing anxiety and asking God but I have missed the words that are sandwiched between Paul telling me to rejoice and to not be anxious. "The Lord is near." My requests, petitions, pleading to God in the midst of my anxiety and shallow attempts to be joyful are not to a far-away God but a near God, a present God, a God who knows my heart. A God who longs for the lost, cares about the afflicted and hurts for the oppressed. A Shepherd that has heart to seek seeks the one that is lost. Check out Luke 15 where Christ reveals God's heart for the lost.

It is a parent's roll to raise a child to be released - not controlled and hoarded and protected. My greatest fear is harm coming to one of my boys. And no one can tell me that won't happen. God is near, listening to my heart, knowing my pain, fully able and in control to far more than I can ever hope, ever imagine. No matter what, he walks with me in the midst of the pain and the joy. Perhaps if I just open one eye a crack I will see him.

Peace,

Tom (daddy)

Tonight Jessica Huse Concert

2010-03-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight will be the benefit concert for Jessica Huse at 6:30 at Calvary Church in Los Gatos, featuring JJ Heller. If you do not know Jessica's story here is a link http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=125624277152&ref=ts; she came into Valley Med while Jake was there and we have been following her journey ever since. They gathered in a waiting room just two floors below us and had regular times of prayer on the lawn outside her window.

In the midst of tragedy we find poverty. Everything is stripped away that matters when your child struggles through their ordeal. Yes we are reminded of what is important but it also corrects your vision as to the treasures we pursue and why we pursue them. So often our pursuits in life are about us moving forward and gaining in this lifetime. When I really dig deep and examine the deepest desire of my heart it is hard to get past the material. I want to honestly say that God is my deepest desire - to cling to his character and have mine molded to be like that - but so much gets in the way. Security, luxury, comfort, satisfaction, pleasure....etc, etc. So desperately I cling to the cloak of God when I am bleeding and alone - when I have nothing left.

There is a set of teachings by Jesus that we call the "beatitudes". Literally they are the BE-atitudes for the talk to us about dwelling in the Kingdom of God. A big part of Jesus' message was to open our eyes to the diversity between the kingdom of man and the Kingdom of God - it is a contrast that is a struggle as we try keep ourselves off the throne and allow God to rule. "Blessed are you who are poor for yours is the Kingdom of God." (Luke 6:20) "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God." (Matthew 5:3)

Rejoicing in my poverty keeps me dependent on the One who is rich, keeps me satisfied with a smaller ration, increases my gratitude for each provision. Luke sandwiched a parable between warning me against the greed that comes with possessions and the worry that I dwell in about having enough.

Found in Luke 12:16-21 we call it the parable of the rich fool. "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'what shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, 'you have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.' But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

Even Jesus did not "consider equality with God something to be grasped" (Phil 2:6)

The fruit that is produced from abiding in God's Kingdom (in his presence) is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Far to often I play the game of being with God but it does not change attitude, my heart, my actions and reactions. I will get into an argument to position myself to win and be right rather than to be Godly. Patience takes a hike because I need... Kindness is optional if it goes my way... I will practice self-control until I can't wait any longer... Fear of others takes the place of fearing God.

I share all of this in thinking about the opportunity we have tonight to bless Jessica and her parents, Lisa and Don. They in so many ways are dwelling in the poverty of this tragedy and hanging on the Kingdom of God. They continue to trust in the hand of God though their journey is approaching a marathon. And we tonight have an opportunity to bless them, to love them, to worship God with them. The miracles continue to be poured out in abundance.

Some have asked how Erica is. Though she is no longer in ICU her journey continues. Here is the email that I received last night. Erica is still in New York. They found some blood clots in her lungs, so that needs to be dealt with before she can fly home. She is walking with a walker. She is anxious to get home and finish her rehab her. She is getting better every day. Thank you for the prayers. Erica is truly a miracle.

In the abundance of poverty,

Tom (daddy)

Momentum

2010-03-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

Stitches are out. Long pause. Yes, stitches are out.

I am amazed by the momentum from the last two weeks - okay tomorrow is two weeks since Jake had his head covered again. A plate put in to cover that valuable, undamaged-by-electricity, brain. The surgery that the doctors were giddy with excitement at how well it went. Jake's recovery has increased exponentially over the past couple of weeks. He is no longer on pain medications which is huge. So often the pain meds take over as a hardship for a survivor. Jake is agile and gaining strength each day. He still has limited use of his left hand and we are getting back into therapy but just try to tell Jake that he cannot do something and watch him go.

Jake is up and around is doing well.

He is also driving again. Now here is where dad (and mom, but mainly dad) needs to let go. That my fear of what might happen would not overtake me - or overtake Jake. He has been mainly patient with me as I told him that he needs to drive me around for a bit so that I have confidence in his driving - realized that my kids say I drive way to slow. (Why is it that we have to drive right at or above the speed limit? Leave a little bit early and enjoy the ride.) Again, Jake is doing well. So now Jake has a car and I do not. His 1998 Volvo is now my limousine as he drives me places.

I have been asked about Jake's school a lot lately. He has two more classes to complete through the internet that is supervised by the independent studies teacher at Aptos High. It has been great because Jake can set his own pace and as long as he finishes by their year end, he will graduate with his class. This provides him with flexibility to return to work at Freeline and do his classes.

I have also been asked about my job prospects. Yes I have been job hunting and am open to examining almost anything. My heart and passion is leading me to pursue a caring role such as a chaplain. I am going through the steps with a hospital in San Jose and trying to find connections with fire/police etc. It is mostly volunteer and so I am also working toward non-profit venture that basically comes alongside the community of families going through tragedy. Basically equip and enable a community to do what we have experienced through our community.

I wrote this in a book I was reading today: "...building communities that bear other's burdens, lighten other's loads, enrich other's faith...making trust, hope, peace and love a little bit easier to hold." (thanks Brennan Manning)

So many have provided so much and allowed us to focus on Jake - we have been blessed and want others to be blessed in the same way. That will all take time and the immediate need is that I find something to provide income. Debbie has already returned to her part-time job as a teachers aid. Jensen is eager to work but at 12 we are holding him back.

We will keep you posted - especially on Jake - as the momentum continues.

In hope,

Tom (daddy)

Eschatological Perspective (Hope)

2010-03-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

Rob here.

In his last post, my dad mentioned "not making this about me" and ended by asking "Got Hope?"

Discussions of the afterlife are important. People may not realize it, but our visions of the future drastically affect the way that we live now. Unfortunately, these discussions tend to be pushed aside in favor of religious neutrality or apathetic understanding, because we are content to define the afterlife as "going to heaven when we die." When defined thus, the Christian mission in the world becomes about conversion--saving as many souls from hell as we can by helping them make an intellectual decision--rather than holistic transformation/restoration; it becomes about cultivating one's own privatized spirituality rather than being responsible/sustainable with the surrounding world; it becomes more about maintaining one's own personal piety, in hopes of being in eternal spiritual bliss with God one day, rather than about the sacrificial work in this world that we are called to.

The Christian hope does not involve escaping the world or physical reality, but the language used to talk about the afterlife spins it this way. The picture at the end of Revelation is the New Jerusalem descending to earth. The Kingdom will come. We will partake in the Resurrection. Christ came and gave us a taste of what the Kingdom is. Why, then, do we so easily describe the afterlife in escapist terms - as going to heaven, experiencing hyper-body spirituality, and leaving the physical world behind? Christ came and gave a commission to redeem the world, not to pluck a select few out of it.

Our eschatological perspective needs a re-orienting. Our assumptions run deep - they are influenced by thinkers as far back as Plato, who pitted the Divine and the earthly against each other in a dualistic structure. Yes, God is completely "other" - but it does not mean that he will bring us into his "otherness" and forsake all that is earthly. In Christ, there is a clear picture of redeeming the world in all its physically created glory.

So, what is a proper view? I think I said it in an earlier post, and N.T. Wright explains it much better in his book Surprised by Hope. It is a hope in the Resurrection, begun in the body of Christ. One day, our whole being will be renewed. That is our hope--not eternal disembodied bliss. And, the important thing is that human beings are not passive in this project. God chose humans to be his vessels of redemption to the world. If we partake in the tradition of Christ, then we look forward to future restoration (through the lens of Christ's work), in order to bring the Kingdom more fully in the present. It is a holistic project - not merely converting individuals to an intellectual decision so they can be caught up to heaven when they die. Having a hope for the future grants us motivation to work toward that redemption in the present; to act as if it were true.

And what is the basic framework that Christ lays for this redemption-work? Love. Giving the cup of water to him who is in thirst. Sacrificing for the "other." Laying aside personal wealth, notoriety, knowledge - even spirituality - out of love for another. It is a paradox--it is at our weakest moment of sacrifice that we find our true strength in the tradition of Christ. It is the only way for God to found a Kingdom that is not based on violence, oppression or deception. The way of love. The tragedy that the Christian is forced to accept is that this way of sacrifice means death.

I look forward to the day when Jacob has full motility and no medical complications. I look forward to the day when 18-year olds don't get lethal bacterial infections and when infants don't die of leukemia and when earthquakes don't kill millions and when women aren't raped and murdered and when people don't let minor disagreements stand in the way of reconciliation. But for now, we will love all, and heal whom we may.

-Rob (Jake's bro)

Looking up to heaven

2010-03-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

We were told many months ago when the dead skin and skull piece were removed that Jacob's rehab would slow down a bit. I was told by a doctor that the brain does not like to be uncovered so it affects its function. That was a valuable reminder for me. Here we are 4 months beyond when Jake should have had his brain covered because of the infection in his thumb and the amount of time he needed to be on the anti-biotics before the plate could be inserted. We do have our Jake back - there is no damage to his brain - he is the same kid (almost adult, adult-in-his-mind) that he was before. He is now a lot more left handed than right. He has a bald spot on the left side of his head - with some really awesome stitches. He also has to be very careful with his graft sights and has limitations in his physical activities now. But he is still our Jacob.

Last night for the first time in 9 months Jake's friends came and took him out - without mom and dad trailing behind and no need for a helmet. Jake took him to his favorite Sushi spot and they got to just hang out. Because of where we live it is a huge sacrifice for his friends to come up the mountain. Honestly I was nervous - paranoid? Jensen and I got to hang out which was a blessing - but I continued to wait on Jake. Big blessing for me is that he gave me a call at one point and let me know what they were doing and when they would be home - something I did not ask for last night - but he knows that is my big rule - just let me know.

So this side of surgery Jake is doing great. He still has pain around the stitch sight and his jaw, teeth and ear are still adjusting to having a round head again. We see his progress each day with the continued gentle reminders that he is still recovering. We are still dealing with finding shoes that do not cause bleeding on the graft site on his heal. We highly recommend Sinuk (they are sandals not shoes) and you can by them at Freeline in Capitola. (www.freelinesurf.com)

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In Luke 9, Jesus' disciples had just returned from a trip - a ministry trip of sorts. They had been sent by Jesus to go out to they surrounding communities in order to bring the presence of God's Kingdom. They were empowered to heal, preach, care for people - to perform the miraculous and to share the hope that is found in fellowship with God. They were sent to people who were already suppose to be following God - not people that had never heard anything.

When they returned Jesus lead them away for a time of debriefing perhaps - a time to get away and be alone with the one who had sent them. But the crowd pressed in and followed - Luke says 5000 which we no from that time only included the men: add to that women, children, servants. So this stadium full of people would not let them alone. The disciples in their love for humanity ask Jesus to send them away. I am sure they were tired and hungry from all that they had done. On their trip their were those that welcomed them and those that rejected and perhaps even flogged them. They were most likely sick of people. So they found a reason why Jesus should send them away: they look hungry Jesus and surely they are not smart enough to feed themselves so send them to get something to eat.

Jesus looked at them and said, "you feed them." They had seen the hand of God work; they had healed the sick; they had given sight to the blind. Could they not do something as practical as a little bit of food from a rock? Manna from the sky? Meat delivered by ravens?

The disciples were instruments of the almighty - used by God to deliver his message of hope to heal the broken; to feed the hungry; to give a simple cup of water to one in need - that God would multiply the harvest. (see Matthew 9:35-38) It was not about them. It is not about us. It is not about me. It is about God - his pleasure, his perfection, his presence. "Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven he have thanks and broke them. THEN he gave them to the disciples to set before the people. They all ate and were satisfied and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over." - Luke 9:16-17

I read verses 9:1-9 yesterday. Jesus sent out the Twelve with nothing - no money, no extra clothing, no staff for protection, nothing - fully dependent on God. The lesson continues as they return from their trip. Jesus looked up to heaven, gave thanks and then included the disciples in the task. Each of them had their own basket filled with leftovers - each of them held in their hands the evidence of the outpouring of God. Can you picture them standing their all twelve of them looking at each other, at the people, at their baskets, at Jesus? Maybe they even looked up to heaven.

I begin to compare all of this to our journey. Each time that I begin to write I stop and delete because I begin to make it about me. It becomes me controlling - or trying to control into making things make sense once again. Each of us has our own stories - our own needs - our own lessons. So for me I am going to return to my journal and spend some time away with God. He knows our needs. He is still in control. He is still with us on our journey - because it is more about his journey than it is about my journey. I am so thankful that he includes us in his journey. Looking back at what God has done keeps us focused on what he will do.

Got hope?

Tom (daddy)

HOME

2010-03-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

The first time we brought Jacob home from a hospital he was in a car seat. We stopped at Mervyns to exchange an outfit that Debbie insisted could not wait. That was almost 18 years ago. The second time we brought Jake home - a few months ago - we stopped to pick Jake up some food from Togo's. I think I drove more careful than ever as Jake, thought not in a car seat, was fragile. This time we could not wait to get out of the hospital. We took Jake to his favorite sushi restaurant. Though we were a lot less anxiety - the plate in and secured.

It truly feels like we have reached a summit on this journey where Jake can decrease his dependence on "mom and dad." From here we expect his therapy to increase so that he can get back to the point where he can drive himself to appointments, build upon his strength, and increase the functionality of his arm, thumb, and foot. He is of course still recovering from the operation. There is pain associated with the surgery and he is tired. I think in his mind he would be able to bounce right back but it is going to take some time to recover. I truly treasured just being with him today.

People told us when our kids were born that time goes by too fast - treasure the moments. It is so true. Each stage of life holds incredible moments that we take for granted until we are faced with major setbacks and trauma that deviate us from the expected course. I had a brief but meaningful conversation with a father of a 3-yeard old that was a couple of doors down from Jake. It reminded me again just how much more valuable my sons are than anything else I might pursue or that might pursue me. Good reminders and I need to make sure that I take time with each of them, that I intentionally build into them, and that I set the example in how I love God and love others.

Home is a good place to be. Your own bed is so much more comfortable. Though we totally enjoyed seeing some old friends at the hospital (nurses, doctors, etc) and meeting some new friends. There is such a blessing in being home. Although it is a bit farther for Jim and Sue to drive. They continue to be a blessing to us - greeting us when we arrived at the hospital for Jake's surgery - coming by each night - lightening the burdens by just being present with us - still faithfully bringing us cups of cold water.

Happy Saturday. Welcome home.

Tom (daddy)

Oh. Thanks also to those angels that cleaned our home before we arrived. What a blessing that was to arrive home to.

The Journey is at the summit.

2010-03-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

Each person who came in to check on Jake remarked at how well he looked and that he should be going home today. That is until the doctor who was making the call finally came by around 2 and said that he would like to give him one more day, just to make sure. Moving fast but not that fast. So it became a long drawn out day made pleasant by Jim and Sue and Auntie Julie (of course). Robbie made it back to school and took Jensen down to Aptos for a birthday party. Somewhat back to normal. Jake was wide awake and moving about and feeling good. Just now as I left his room to make my way to my room at the JW House, he had a hard time falling asleep. I am praying that it will be a quiet night and that the well meaning staff will just stay out of his room so that sleep can be maintained through the night.

What a blessing it is for Jake to get up and move and for me to not freak out about an uncovered brain. He is well covered and though it is healing and Jake needs to be careful for the next few months (aka no contact sports, swimming, etc) he has made it to the summit of this journey. Wow can we really say that? This was the last major surgery - those to come will be for hair and body movement and will be considered minor surgeries. We still pray that there will be no infection and that healing will take place, but we just marvel at where the Lord has us now. We can move forward in big steps now.

More to come as we unfold what is next. (Rather as God unfolds what is next.)

Tom (daddy)

Moving forward always more families to pray for...

2010-03-04T23:22:00.000-08:00

Winding down. Rob and Jensen and I are at the JW House near the hospital. It is an awesome house that families can stay at while their kids are in the hospital or hear for cancer treatment. It was established by a teenager who was fighting cancer and recognized the need. He did not live to see it built but his legacy continues to bless. It is an amazing home-away-from-home. Jake had slow improvement feeling a little better. We only had to stay in ICU for 24 hours. Today at about 3 they moved us to a regular room which is much easier access for us.

Around us I am praying for two families. One with an infant that was right next to us - as I walked by once today the mom was hovering over her kissing her feet. A little later the were taking her to get an MRI. That is enough to know that they need prayer, they need encouragement. Another family I was able to talk to the mom and dad on separate occasions. They almost lost their three-year-old son because the doctor thought he had a virus but the mom pushed for a blood test. This young boy has diabetes. Their life is forever changed as they are on the fast track to find out what they need to do. Their lives are changed forever and are exhausted - lack of sleep - overwhelmed - taking in way too much information in too short of a time period.

Thanks for hanging with us.

Tom (daddy)

Success and the Naked Crazy Guy

2010-03-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

The rain came down hard this morning as we drove to the hospital and I reflected on the verses that I read earlier in Luke 8. Jesus was asleep in a boat the midst of a storm. Jesus was asleep as his disciples, some of them rugged fishermen, freaked out as they thought death was near. These men had seen some miracles - had at least some idea that Jesus was a prophet - but some had already understood that he was the messiah - but fear had gripped them and there was nothing that they could see except the storm that was raging around them. So they woke him up - maybe they thought it was a Jonah type thing - maybe they would need to toss Jesus overboard. They definitely needed help, needed hope, needed Jesus. So Jesus woke from his sleep - why didn't the storm wake him? - he woke up and calmed the storm. I wonder what his tone of voice was when he asked this question: "where is your faith"?

Jesus asked me that a few times as traffic was bad, as the storm raged, as fears rose. Where are you God? As the doctors warned us of what might go wrong in the surgery, fear increased. As they placed the IV into Jake's arm, Jesus, are you awake? Sitting in the waiting room, fear alternated with hope and confidence. Faith comes so often in sporadic streams rather than deluge and flood.

"In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him." (Luke 8:25)

These verses flow right into the story of "The Naked Crazy Guy". He was demon possessed. Chains could not hold him and they called him Legion, for he was possessed by many. Naked Guy came to find Jesus. Can you picture the disciples, still with their mouths open in wonder from the storm being calmed, stepping off on shore and still shaking as they see a "The Naked Crazy Guy" coming toward them. Then before they know it this demon-possessed dude is free from bondage and a herd of pigs runs down a steep bank and into the lake and instead of the disciples drowning it was the pigs!

Those who were tending to the pigs ran to town and soon a huge crowd came to see what was going on. What a contrast: the disciples vs the townspeople. What an amazing to see "The Naked Crazy Guy" seated at the feet of Jesus clothed and calm soaking up each moment, each word of Jesus. The fear of the disciples drove them closer to Jesus. The fear of the townspeople rejected him. They wanted him to leave. In verse 38, Luke says that "The Naked Crazy Guy" begged Jesus to allow him to follow. But Jesus sent him away to tell his story all over town. He told him to stay with the people that had rejected Jesus so that he might be a source of faith-love-hope-joy.

In the midst of this morning - I felt my fear driving me away from Jesus. It took great effort to return to the feet of Jesus and place my hope fully in his grasp. As the doctors told us of what might go wrong, what they might have to do, I took control and shunned faith. Faith-hope-love-joy comes in streams and can be so sporadic. It returned as I remembered all that has gone before - the miracles that we have seen - the storms that have been calmed - the Fear of the Lord.

We sit in silence as Jake sleeps - head bandaged - recovering from an very successful surgery. The kind that makes stoic surgeons smile with giddy delight. "The plate was a perfect fit." "The skin covered the plate nicely." "It couldn't have gone better."

So thankful for the prayer. So thankful for the hand of God. We know all too well that it does not always go as plan. We know all too well that God is still in these moments - thankfully - this moment went far better than our fear would suspect. So thankful for this community that surrounds and supports us.

Peace and love,

Tom (daddy)

Here we go...

2010-03-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 Jake goes in for surgery to place the plate in over his brain. One concern that we just found out yesterday is that there will be enough movement in the skin to cover the plate. It is curved...designed to fit as a puzzle piece perfectly in place. But the skin has been healing and has been a while so it might not have enough elasticity. If that happens the doctor will instead put in silicone that will over time expand the skin. Then Jake will have to go back in later to put in the prosthesis. Of course our prayer is that tomorrow would go smoothly, no infections and plate in place. Would you be willing to join us in prayer? We expect it to be about a 4 hour surgery.

I read this today in the book:

Closely related to the quality of my faith is the intensity of my hope. The Word of Jesus carries the implicit theme that the world is out do us good. When you stop and think about it, that's an extraordinary idea. In most of our lives we have the impression that the world has done us considerable harm and comparatively little good. Yet if the Abba of Jesus loves us, if He pursues us as a a tremendous Lover who is dying (in His Son) to be with us, then we are committed to the notion that His world, the work of His hands, is out to do us good. And that means taking the risk of letting others do good to us. It means going into the wedding feast and celebrating with firm conviction that we are not going to be chumped, cheated, or disastrously surprised. Souvenirs of Solitude by Brennan Manning, pg. 15

Faith-hope-peace-joy are interwoven in and through the character of Christ. As we come in to this day - can we, no matter the outcome, no matter what comes, can faith-hope-peace-joy invade the moments. Can we strive to be so fully present with God that we trust completely in the outcome and allow His control to reign. It is a fight to remain in the presence of God but it come with practice.

In faith-hope-peace-joy

Tom (daddy)

2 days until surgery...

2010-03-01T22:28:00.000-08:00

Today's "Plastic Doctor" appointment was frustrating. What we thought was going to be a quick "remember us" appointment turned into this stressful sinking appointment that left me angry. The well meaning - extremely kind doctor, let us know that there was a different option to a plate to cover Jake's brain. Here we are on this 8 month journey and two days before this surgery that is for us a summit, we are given a major "change decision." So at 9 am tomorrow the doctor was going to call us and find out our decision. I won't even go into the decision because as the "Plastic and Brain Doctors" conferenced today after our appointment and we are back to our original plan. Could they not have talked a couple of weeks ago or a few minutes before our appointment?

Compared to the other 8 surgeries this one seems mild, but we are talking surgery for the brain. This is a major surgery and has potential complications and set-backs. We also need to pray that the scalp (including the skin grafted muscle flap that has been covering his brain) will be able to be stretched over the plate. This plate has been custom designed with high precision to fit perfectly in place, but if it cannot be stretched there will need to be several weeks of stretching the skin. This also would have been nice to know a few weeks or months ago.

So the prayer for Jake's surgery is for the best case scenario - plate in place covering that valuable brain. We are praying for wisdom and skill for the doctors and eyes that see beyond what they would normally see. And of course what has been our biggest prayer and deepest desire is that we would know and trust the presence of God in these moments.

Oh, and by the way, here is a subtle answer to prayer. Jake's thumb does not need anymore Xeroform (the petroleum gauze used to dress healing skin grafts). The last spot that we were watching and putting a little piece on is healed and scabbed. Jake is still wearing his splint to protect it but we are not dressing it as a wound anymore!

Our time at Vintage Faith Church yesterday was amazing. For one thing - it was just fun to be with them. Each of the three services was different in their atmosphere yet such a blessing. It was so encouraging for me to watch Jake talk more and me talk less with each service. Josh Fox was introducing the church to a worship project that we has been working on for 8 years. One of the songs came from Josh engaging in Jake's story and asked us to be there and share a bit. Anyway it was just fun to be there and celebrate while also reaching out for we each have our journeys each have our struggles.

One thing that I really appreciate about Josh is a shared heart with us of deeply desiring for people to experience healing and reflect the presence of God to those around them. In the midst of this time there were a variety of ways to worship God: singing, listening, praying, giving, writing, painting... I got to briefly meet Deanne (I hope I got that name right!). She was up front painting through all three services. In this expression of worship she transformed a dark shattered pieces into mended shining light. There subtly before my eyes was a beautiful picture of our lives as we come to Christ and seek his forgiveness, transformation, grace. It is a painting of scars, restoration, hope. Beauty of brokenness.

Far to often we think that we need to fix what is brokenness in our lives and then come to God. Get your act together before dining with the King. So hard to fathom that the opposite is true. I remember a girl in college asking me to pray for someone because her life was not lined up with God at the moment. One who knew about being shattered, Paul said, "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom 5:8) Coming to God authentically and honestly is far more beautiful than having outward religiosity.

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This often quoted verse was not written at a time of devotion to God but in the midst of God's people rejecting him - running away from God. Jeremiah was calling them back - calling them to repent. This is not a verse of a fortune teller but a call to repentance a call to return to the presence of God.

God calls to us in the midst of shattered moments of our lives and reminds us that we are not alone, we are not forgotten, we are not useless, He is present.

One of the blessings for me yesterday at Vintage was conversations with people following our journey. Gentle reminders that we are not alone. Also being able to talk and pray with others as they go through their own stuff - drawn into community with each other - mutually encourage each other.

Thanks for praying along with us for Jake's surgery. It is good to move forward.

Tom (daddy)

Vintage tomorrow...surgery Wednesday!

2010-02-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow Jake and I are going to be a part of the services at Vintage Faith Church in Santa Cruz (www.vintagechruch.org). The entire service will be Josh Fox unfolding his new worship project for the church and he asked us to be a part of it as one of the songs was inspired by Jake's journey. Josh sent us and idea of the questions that he is going to ask us and some of the quotes from the blog that drew him into writing the song. Listening to the song (over and over again) and thinking about those blog entries drew me back into some moments in the hospital. The more I listen to this song...the more it draws me back into moments of struggle, moments of questions, moments of longing. Debbie listened to it when she went to the store today and said that it is

I am also amazed at how far we have come. This week feels a bit like an emergence - a huge step forward. Being able to be a part of this worship service is amazing timing to be right before Jake's (in all likelihood will be his last major) surgery. Yes Wednesday's surgery is still on - despite the plastic surgeon rescheduling his pre-op appointment twice now. In the hospital when Jake was going to have the surgery to remove the skull piece it was the neurosurgeon that was difficult to pin down - at least that is what the "plastic doctor" (I like saying that) told us. Now the "brain doctor" is dialed in and waiting for the "plastic doctor".

So we would be honored to have you pray with us for our time at Vintage tomorrow and that we continue to have smooth sailing through the surgery - allow nothing to set him back. Pray for wisdom for the doctors, peace and sanity for us as we wait and more than anything as Josh's song reminded me, that we would know the presence of God in each moment.

I have been reading through Luke - taking my time and reading and re-reading encounters that people are having with Jesus. I keep thinking about Luke talking to people and getting the information correct for Theophilus. I pictured him talking to Mary, Elizabeth and the disciples. Lately I was reading chapters at a time and now I am finding myself going back and forth seeing how Luke puts things together. Jesus radically attacked the behavior, hypocrisy, and sinfulness of the religious leaders. The heart of Christ was for the hurting...he did not say, "get your act together and then you will be healed." He said, "your faith has healed you, your sins are forgiven, now go and sin no more."

Sin no more...sin no more. Don't do what the religious leaders are doing with their condemning judgement and their unrealistic expectations - adding requirements for holiness that did not come from God. Focus first and foremost on the presence of God and allow that to shape your behavior into helping those around you. "What is the greatest commandment, Jesus?" "Love the Lord your God with everything you have - your heart, your soul, your mind, your behavior. And love those around you. Help the hurting. Respond to those in need. See (with the eyes of God) those around you."

We have an opportunity to BE Christ to others - to bring the presence of God to them. My prayer continues to be that we all would be instruments of hope and healing to those around us.

Hope and peace in abundance,

Tom (daddy)

True Community: increasing understanding

2010-02-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

Jake and I had an amazing morning meeting with Josh Fox, the lead pastor at Vintage Faith Church. Josh just finished a worship album and this Sunday will be sharing that album with the church. One of the songs that he wrote was inspired by Jacob's Journey. It was written from his heart, in the midst of tears, in a moment of understanding the pain and suffering that we were going through. Josh asked us to be a part of the services this Sunday and share a part of the story as he shares this song. Service times are 9:00 am, 11:00 am, and 7:00 pm. (see www.vintagechurch.org) So many of you have been a part of this story and I feel like this will be an amazing time of coming into the presence of God and celebrate. Josh shares our heart that those who are hurting might find healing. We are finding more and more that this healing is found in the midst of true community - it is what we have and continue to experience.

In looking at a building we make assumptions as to what is going on inside. What we see on the outside is observable and verifiable according to our point of view. From where I am sitting right now in a coffee shop I am looking at what looks like a house. Chimney, roofline, windows etc. It was designed for people to see it as a home and yet there is an "open" sign in the window and banner for it's "pie sale". What is on the inside is right now is subject to my expectations, experience, assumptions and beliefs. It may look like a a home but I do not have to knock before entering; I need to pay for whatever I ask them to serve me; and I am expected to tip those who serve me.

We do the same thing with people. It is the same with our opinions about what is proper and what is improper. We carry with us judgements and evaluations about what is right and wrong based. The attitude that we bring can and does shape our response. So often we need to find a cause, a pattern, a reason for why. We want to make sense of things but so often we do this from the outside safety place and not from the inside place of understanding. Going inside makes us vulnerable.

As I try to step toward what is next for career-income-ministry, I deeply desire to step into a place of helping those in tragedy - to walk alongside those hurting and help their community to surround them, not forget them, carry them through their time of trial. As I was speaking with some hospital chaplains I was struck but the necessity to step into the the life of the person leaving judgement outside the door. Whatever wisdom I may have comes from my learning, my experience, my goals. This does not mean that they need, want or desire MY wisdom. So often we want to impose our wisdom and yet our first and best step should be understanding. As we understand and build relationship and trust we are in a position to truly love the person and support them as Christ does.

Issues that we face in life are never black and white - there is always some shade of gray. If we are going to be a community that surrounds others - if I am going to be a person that comes alongside those that are in trial, the practice of understanding. When Jesus encountered people, he was able to see the outside and the heart. He knew what was being whispered and what was being thought. He knew the heart of the widow that gave pennies in humility and the wealthy that gave a large sum with arrogance announcing to all around how great he was. We may not have that ability but as we spend time understanding, caring, walking with them - we can show that we care and direct them to the God who does know all.

For those following Erica: the reports that I am getting are that familiar and frustrating roller coaster ride. A stable night followed by almost losing her and then back to stability. We continue to hold this family and her community up in prayer before God who knows her name and loves her. In the midst of His will we call for healing.

Grace and peace,

Tom (daddy)

"Wisdom is proved right by her children." - Jesus

Centurion, widow, servant, son

2010-02-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

Jesus was amazed by the faith of a Roman Centurion. The people who came on his behalf felt that he deserved Jesus's attention because he loved the Jewish people and built the synagogue. "So Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well."

Humility and faith came together in the heart of this centurion and that is what amazed God not the activity but the heart. He recognized the authority of one that he only knew by reputation.

Jesus gave a widow back her son. "Soon afterward, Jesus went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a large crowd went along with him. As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out—the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, "Don't cry." Then he went up and touched the coffin, and those carrying it stood still. He said, "Young man, I say to you, get up!" The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother. They were all filled with awe and praised God. "A great prophet has appeared among us," they said. "God has come to help his people." This news about Jesus spread throughout Judea and the surrounding country."

Luke was putting together this story not to tell about the son, the widow, the centurion, the servant but to talk about Jesus and the impact on these communities as they were filled with awe and praised God. Jesus was defying the religious leaders of the day - the ones who should have been leading the people to the face of God were misleading them to focus on traditions and adding to laws, placing unnecessary burdens on them. They were missing it but the centurion got it. The widow received it. Can you imagine the impact on these households? This servant says, "I was dying." This son says, "I was dead". We have seen the hand of God - been ushered in to see the face of God. The Kingdom of God is at Hand.

These verses from Luke 7 remind me as we approach Jake's next ("last major") surgery that we have seen the hand of God - been ushered in to see the face of God. And we continue to see it in big ways and in little ways. Today for me was a meeting with a man reminded me that all we have gone through continues to shape and direct where we are going - what we are doing.

It has been 8 months since Jacob's accident. 8 months - wow. It is the first time that we have had to wait like this for a surgery. So thankful that we are so near to this date. Please continue to pray for a clean bill of health as we go tomorrow for all of his pre-op lab work. Please pray that we would continue to surrender our burden's to Christ and trust that He is fully in control - and fully present through this all.

Peace and hope,

Tom (daddy)

------------------------------
Erica update:

Friends,

We are now a week into this nightmare. We have 7 more days of antibiotics and are hopeful that her heart and lungs are strong enough to hold on that long on an oscillator. Dialysis appears to be helping as she still receives transfusions but her platelets are up. She developed a secondary infection which they expect when you have so many tubes. The antibiotics for this new infection also appear to be working as her white blood count is dropping again. She tried to open her eyes today and we saw tears running down her face so we have so much hope that with your prayers and her tenacity she will make one more week. Thank you all for keeping us in your prayers and for donations you have made to help Erica.

Our love, Eric and Bernadette

Jake is my reminder to pray for Erica...

2010-02-20T00:56:00.000-08:00

Jake met with his teacher today at Aptos High. I had been meeting in place of Jacob but now I just sit in the background. It is a great progression and Jake is doing great. He has finished two semester-length classes and is now working through the two year-long courses. I am very confident about Jake finishing the year and graduating with his class. The internet-based courses have been perfect for Jake's situation. It feel so thankful. Especially as I think and pray for Erica's parents as they have just begun a journey that reminds me of where we have come, I realize that we are reaching a Summit. Even if Jake's appointment were to get put off a little longer - I really would be okay - I am seeing more and more of his healing.

Even after the head surgery, there will be recovery, there will be lessons in patience, there will be more to do and more to come. Jake's surgery does not bring back "normal" - whatever "normal" is - it is just a very big step forward. So a little thankfulness tonight for me as well as a burden for Erica and her parents Erica and Bernadette. I have attached a note below - realize that I get them third person and pass them along. I have not met this family - but like so many who have done so for us, I hold them up to God and plead for healing, wholeness and the presence of God.

-------------------------

This message is directly from Bernadette.

Dear Friends,
Again we can not express how much your love, support and especially prayers are appreciated. We want so much to say that things are better, so we will say that they aren't worse. The antibiotics have done their job and there is no progression of the disease. We are now faced with dealing with the damage. She is still on 24 hour dialysis, and we are simply waiting to see if her kidneys will pick up any function as we go. Her heart appears to be strong, they have reduced the number of medications or pressers for blood pressure from 4 to 2. She is still purple in the face and parts of her body due to the disease - her fingers look like they have some color and will survive. Her right foot is still questionable but her toes have already turned black and are shrinking. We are working hard to keep her from developing secondary infections as she is still not able to produce enough platelets. She is getting blood transfusions and platelets to try to heal her organs. Everyday we are here we are fortunate. They saved her life and continue to do so on an hourly basis. We are waiting to see if we can get into the Ronald Mcdonald house today that is here at the children's hospital. They wouldn't let us for a week because of the disease. We had to be a week with no symptoms. It doesn't matter as we wouldn't leave her anyway, but we thinking that God willing we will be here for awhile because the alternative is unimaginable. Please know that we are blessed to have so many people supporting us. It is at times such as this that you can see what faith and strength there is in being part of a family. Our sincere thanks-Bernadette and Eric

-------------------
Erica is a freshman in college in New York. I pictured many times during Jacob's journey being surrounded by hundreds of people holding up my arms and praying with me, for me, and in place of me. I have that same picture now as I see the community surrounding Erica and her family - her community. It is a blessing and honor to be in prayer together.

In prayer

Tom (daddy)

Erica is still fighting - praise God for stubborn 17 year old fighters!

2010-02-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

I am trying to figure out how to best get this information to you on Erica: Facebook, Blog, whatever. Again I do not know Erica but Valerie who has been part of the Jacob's Journey Community has been keeping me in the loop. I have had a lot of people asking me of her status. She has overtaken my heart and prayers with what little I know. I know for me I can picture her parents, Erica and Bernadette, at her side going through what we have gone through. Here is the message that I got through Valerie...

The latest from Erica's parents:

"Eric and I (Bernadette) appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. What we know is this. Erica contracted Bacterial Meningitis-she was vaccinated in August however there are 5 strains and only 4 are covered. She has the 5th and worst strain. She felt ill on Wednesday evening, developed a fever Thursday, went to the campus nurse and received Advil. She slept all day. When she woke up Friday she "hurt" all over. We now know her organs were shutting down. She went to emergency room where she presented with purple face, legs and arms. The blood flow was cut off to extremities. The disease traveled through her blood stream damaging every organ before it could be halted. Short term we are fighting to save her life. She remains on a oscillator as the respirator was not strong enough. She is on constant dialysis to attempt to restabalize blood and do what her kidneys can not. Every day she remains alive we are hopeful of some recovery. If we can get to that point we will face kidney transplant and amputation of digits and possibly an entire foot. We will cross that bridge when it comes. My parents are home helping with Angela and contact them daily. Erica is stubborn and strong in spirit. We remain with her for 22 hours a day encouraging her to fight. Again, we appreciate all of your love and friendship. We pray God will guide all of your positive prayers to help our baby. May God Bless you all.

Eric and Bernadette

Surrounding Erica's journey with the arms of prayer.

Tom (daddy)

Urgent Prayer for Erica

2010-02-16T19:22:00.000-08:00

I just received this update...

Erica has a 10% chance to make it through the night. Her liver has shut down. Her lungs are struggle due to the respirator. Her heart is strong. The Priests has come to preform the final blessing. She is young and strong! I know she can beat the odds! Lord hear our prayers!

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This cloud O Lord hangs over my soul

the cloud is so thick God, that I cannot see a thing

this does not make any sense to me

so young, so fragile, so much life yet to give

Lord take Erica in your arms holding her close

heal this child, hear our plea, hear our cry

give her back to the arms of her parents

restore this life, restore this soul, make her whole

Let comfort, let peace, let hope surround her

faith is not for those who are weak but for the strong

yet in this moment we know our weakness, our limits

where our faith ends let hope begin through your grace

Lord the cry of our heart is for you to restore

The cry of your heart is for us to be restored

let your breath breathe out on this child

let your beauty, your majesty be seen tonight

Remove the cloud redeem this moment

We approach your throne - not for ourselves

not for our glory but for the life of a child

that you may be given all the glory

-------------------------------

pray with urgency, frequency, transparency

Tom (jacob's daddy)

Praying for Erica: Rob's Musings

2010-02-16T16:30:00.001-08:00

Every time that the Jacob's Journey community is confronted with a new tragedy, though it is a blessing to pray and see the Lord work, my heart sits a little heavier in my chest; but I'm not so sure that it is a bad thing. A heavy heart opens us up to others, to suffering with people, which is so central to being carriers of the Gospel.

Like many have been, I was hit hard with this news of Erica, a 17-year-old college girl, who I don't even know. Why, God? Why 17? Why lethal infection? Why 2 days to live? Why not at a point in her life where she could have been more settled, with her parents, not in the hectic atmosphere of adjusting to a new school? Why not me? Why not some other time?

Why, why, why, why.... we can sit all day and ask why. We can come from a comfortable posture of sheltered Christianity, where joy is misconstrued into happy thoughts and nice things, where the austere, metaphysical God of Western philosophy/theology is in control, therefore causes all things to happen, therefore he caused this seemingly bad thing to happen... therefore everything is OK. Or we can admit that evil exists in the world.

The fact is this: June 28th, 2009 was, in my estimation, an evil day. Not to say that it will not in the future be a day where we can celebrate what God has done. But there is no use saying that this day in my life was a good day with a good ending, because it was an evil day with a bad ending. Before the Resurrection, Christ died. "Good Friday" really wasn't so good, was it? The promised Saviour, God's anointed, Yahweh incarnate, died a horrific death. That is tragic. Traumatic. Scars remain. But this evil becomes a signpost, pointing to the goodness that God has in store. Awhile back, my dad said to Jacob: "It could have been much worse." Jacob replied, "Yea, but it also could have been better."

There is no use sitting around musing about what could have been. Evil occurs - it causes us to distrust, disbelieve, wear out, get exhausted... but in that place, I hear the cry of the centurion in Mark Chapter 9: "I believe; help my unbelief!" God does overcome. We must believe in the power of Resurrection. There will not only be glimpses of restoration in this life, but we will experience The Restoration in the future.

So what can I, sitting on my couch in Orange County, having never met this girl Erica with the fatal infection, knowing nothing about her, do? What can any of us do in those moments when evil overcomes, when we are powerless? When we get that phone call... a cancerous friend... a homeless stranger... an insane car accident... a diving accident at camp... an electrocuted brother... when death hits someone close... when abuse runs rampant... when a friend doesn't get it.... What can we do? Like the Israelites, we cry out.

This idea of crying out is not as simple as it sounds or feels. On one level, it is an utter trust in God when you are helpless. It is prayer that does not come out in words, but comes out in this groaning that blends the tragedy of the specific circumstance with the pure shock of seeing a tangible manifestation of the greater evil that exists among us. It comes down to trust - that God would not just stop the pain, but that he would do something grand out of this.

But there is also another layer... and it comes down to us. Yes, we cry out to God, but that does not mean that we are passive in the situation. At the creation of all things, God gave a commission to Adam and Eve: "fill the earth. SUBDUE it." Essentially, he gave them responsibility and ownership. After Jesus' resurrection, he gave a similar commission: "Go and make disciples." Followers of Christ do not have a minor part in the building of the Kingdom - they have a major hand. I say this just to convey the idea that "we are not passive". Yes God works in amazing ways, but he frequently chooses us as active parts in that way.

So back to the question: what can we do?

Pray. Similar to the "crying out" - groaning to God on another's behalf.

Believe that the Spirit can divinely heal. Stories similar to those of healing that happened in Jesus' time have not stopped. Pray that people in need would be surrounded by others who are tuned into this healing (I, for one, am not. I'm very skeptical in this matter)

Look around us. In the case of Erica, I have absolutely no direct hand in the matter. But if I did, I would be looking for tangible needs of the family. In the same manner, I look for those needs around me. In our day to day lives, it is not normally the case that extreme things like this happens. As my boss said at the beginning of this school year, it comes down to "little choices." We say that we would take a bullet for someone. But will we every have the opportunity to show that extreme devotion? Most likely not. Therefore, we must show it in little ways.

In sum, we can't just sit around waiting for God to do something or speak more clearly. We are given the ability to discern and make decisions. Therefore we seek to control what we can. How do we choose to react to situations? How do I respond, with my attitude, thoughts, actions, etc.

I could not trust a God who wants to make bad things happen so that I can grow or learn a lesson. That is sadistic. But I do trust a God who trusts me to make the best of what I am given. The decisions we make can have grand implications, but are normally manifested in little everyday things. "I will help jumpstart your car." "I will listen to you - really listen." "I will encourage someone out of the blue today." Little choices prep us for those major ones. I do not doubt that Erica's family will begin to see the little things in their life that prepared them and led up to this major shift. May our prayers for them and others be sufficient to saturate them in God's presence, may our prayers be carried out by real people surrounding them, and may the attitude of our prayers be carried out in every little decision that we make.

Dangit, that sounds really challenging!

Rob (Jake's bro)

Praying for Erica

2010-02-15T23:15:00.000-08:00

I have sat down to write a few times over the last few days, but just was not feeling it - when I figure out what "it" is I will let you know. There is a lot going through my head and it is hard to get a handle on it.

Jake is doing great. School is going well. He has finished 2 of his four classes. I am very confident that he will get done and graduate with his class. He is also getting stronger in his rehab. He still has limitations - mainly with his right arm and hand - but he is getting quite strong. It is actually getting hard for me to think about allowing him to move forward. You raise a child and move him to adulthood slowly. We have stepped backwards and are going to be moving forward with a bit of turbo. Much harder for us than for him.

I woke up this morning to a message through Facebook about a young 17 year girl named Erica that was suffering from "septic". I did not know it was anything but a tank underground for receiving our flushings. Erica had been given two days to life and mom and dad were rushing to their daughter's side (at college). A little later in the day I got an update with a change in diagnosis to "bacterial meningitis." That was it for the details - I do not need to know more - but it tugged at my heart to pray and to send on what information I had.

For me it my thoughts went to the parents receiving the phone call as we had received one about their 17-yeard old being in harms way. What a devastating plane ride - clinging to each other - waiting longing to be with their child. Then arriving at the hospital trying to catch up and understand all that had been taking place - all that was wrong. I have never met them but that is okay - I can pray - and I got several messages from others who were praying as well. We all need a community to surround us - to helps us - guide us through the mess of a tragedy.

There was also a message today on Facebook from a friend I have not seen in a long time. She had lost her teenage son 25 years ago. She and her husband have always been heros to me. All the more as we went through Jacob's fragile time. There are saints that have gone before who have clung to the feet of Jesus, weeping dreadful bitter tears but continue to know the presence of God in increasing measure. I remember thinking of Dale and Charlotte, still walking with Jesus, still serving in ministry, not giving up - we will make it too.

When Abraham was called out by God and sent to be a nation, he was blessed to be a blessing for others. (Gen 12) He was not blessed so that he would live a life of luxury and ease. He was not set up with a health plan and retirement fund. He was blessed so that he might bless others.

As we anticipate Jakes next major surgery, though I know it is not the end and there will be more to come - overcoming limitations, further surgeries, learning and re-learning how to do things - it totally feels like we are coming to the summit of this journey. So as you have joined us and continue to pray...continue to lift up Jake and for the steps we have to come. But also I ask that you continue to lift up and bless those around us that need their community (our community).

In grace and peace

Tom

Pins are out!!!

2010-02-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

Still basking in the shadow of yesterday's victories, today at Jacob's appointment for his thumb the doctor decided it was time to remove the pins! We really were not expecting it but as he looked at the x-rays from over two weeks ago and at the current stability of the thumb he was quite pleased. There are still two spots of healing on the graft sight and though it is long and slow it is healing. His thumb is fused at the knuckle so he will not be able to bend it but the doctor was encouraged by seeing blood when the pins were taken out and hair growing. That is the sign that the blood vessels are moving back through there. (He lost one of the two major sources of blood to the thumb.)

Today I actually got a better picture of how tenuous Jake's thumb was. When they went in to do the thumb surgery back on November 5th, they actually removed a lot of dead bone and put back together what was left of the healthy bone - the pins holding it together. I remember them telling us that the bone was very brittle but he did not tell us then that he did not think that it would stay together. The pins were in longer than normal but they have fused together. The thumb is holding together. With the pins out, Jake still needs to wear the brace for while the thumb looks fused in x-ray, we still want to be cautious and assume it is tender.

Jake's thumb for me in the midst of all else is a tremendous answer to my prayers. I hold to my memory of standing at his bedside while he was in a coma and praying for his organs, for his wounds and specifically praying for the salvation of his thumb. The thumb that we were assured was going to be amputated but also assured that they could replace it with one of his toes - such a bitter taste from that assurance. I know that many have prayed with me for prayer.

So as I consider all of this - the reaction of the doctor - the state of his thumb - what should have been - I see the miracle - I see the hand of God coming down and answering the prayer of my heart - assuring hope. There have been several moments of on this journey that we have seen God work - that doctors have been surprised - moments that looked bleak - moments that turned into miracles. The thumb was never the life threatening issue - but for me God knew that it was important to knit it back together.

So pretty amazing week. Tummy tube out, pending surgery for his head, pins out... yeah pretty amazing. After such a long, long wait, we are taking some pretty big steps forward. The road is still long ahead of for Jake as he tries to regain so much that was lost...but we have so much to be thankful and today we are so incredibly thankful for his thumb.

Grace and peace in increasing measure.

Tom (daddy)

We have a date...and another surprise blessing.

2010-02-11T18:08:00.000-08:00

Today was suppose to be a stay home and catch up. Jake was going to do school work and I was going to do paper work. Last night though we became concerned with discharge from Jake's GI tube - what we have come to call his "tummy tube" or "Mickey". I called first thing this morning which I have come to realize is my biggest stress - navigating through the phone tree at Kaiser - make that forest. Fortunately Debbie has saved every single business card and has learned to ask for a direct number or the best way to get ahold of someone each time we have an appointment. So I was able connect with someone in only two phone calls and had an appointment for 11:30 this morning.

One of the things I had been trying to orchestrate was how to get the tummy tube out at the same time as Jake's head surgery. As we spoke to the Nurse Practitioner who specializes in the gastrointestinal tubes, we told her what was going on with Jake and how he really did not need and will not be needing the feeding tube. He has gained much of his weight back and is not using the supplements anymore. So...she took it out. No special surgery - she just got her stuff and took it out. It will heal just like his tracheostemy hole - we cover it with bandages for a couple of weeks (and some antacids before he eats!). Jake and I thought it pretty funny that her big concern was that he may get a scar that looks like a second belly button. In comparison to his other scars? Really? That might be kinda cool!

Also, when we arrived at the department, the nurse from the Neurosurgery Department was there. I thought she just happened to be there but she was there to see us. I joked with her about having a surgery date and she did! She came down knowing that we would be there to tell us in person - how is that for kind and thoughtful. Jake's surgery date will be March 3rd.

I was praying for surgery next week, so when she told me I was a bit disappointed. Jake put me in my place and was thankful for an actual date. And of course Jake was right - it is not that far away - February is a short month! Plus it gives Robbie a chance to figure out if he can make it home for the big event. As a Dad right now I just want his brain covered - I worry...

I know those of you who have been following and praying are excited with me right now. I can actually hear the yippee's to come as you read this. You may not understand all that we are enduring and the decisions that we have to make but you love and support us. That means so much. Thanks for the gentle reminders that you are there. It is overwhelming.

A friend from years ago wrote me recently about the trial they have gone through with their own child - exclaiming that there is nothing we would not do for your child as they go through hardship. Jake has gone through a lot and though there are most likely more surgeries to come, limitations to overcome, and life to live - he has been given a chance at life. As I recently did a funeral for an amazing lady, I stood there before the service so thankful that I did not have to do Jake's.

We have a couple appointments tomorrow. One for physical therapy and one to check Jake's thumb and heel. We are still watching that one little spot and hoping that the graft takes on his thumb. He also should be having the pins removed. They are hoping that the bone has fused enough at the joint to be stable. His heel has a couple of nicks on it from the rubbing of his shoe. We need to find a solution to that so that the graft can heal. Please continue to pray for both of those healing. Also pray that over the next three weeks Jake would remain infection free.

We are truly blessed to be a blessing. May this increase as we go forward.

Tom (daddy)

Green light...but foot is still on the break!

2010-02-09T19:08:00.000-08:00

Today's meeting with the neurosurgeon and anesthesiologist went well. We got the green light for surgery!!!

Jake is healthy and strong and free of infection and ready. But.... yes there always seems to be a "but"...we are waiting for a date from the plastic surgeon as to when he is available for surgery. Hmmm last time in the hospital it was the other way around. They said it will be within the month. ARGGGGGGG. On one hand I want them to call and say it is tomorrow....on the other we would like a little warning. But I told them that we will drop everything for this surgery.

But let's go back to "we got the green light for surgery"!!!! and would you join me in praying that it would be next week? Jake has waiting so long for this and "Lord? is it too much just to ask you to arrange the schedules of these doctors quickly?"

That is all I have for tonight. Thanks for hanging in here with us. I wonder often how if anyone is still with us and then someone mentions something about all of this and reminds me that at least a couple of people are still with us and that means a ton.

Not done yet.

Tom (daddy)

Pre-Op Appointment Tomorrow

2010-02-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we go in for Jakes pre-op appointment with the Neurologist and Anesthesiologist. Yes there is a lot of anticipation and anxiety around this appointment. We are hopeful that we will get positive news and that the surgery will quickly follow but with our experience behind us we are preparing a few hills to overcome. Jake sees this surgery as a step toward freedom - he is itching to drive again and have a little bit of freedom. That will come and I of course am a nervous wreck and do not want anything else to happen.

Keep us in your prayers, keep the doctors in your prayers...

Still so thankful that we have a community that surrounds and cares about us.

Grace in abundance

Tom (daddy)

Stepping into liquid

2010-02-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

When the Israelites were crossing the Jordan with the Ark of the covenant, the water was held back so that they could cross on dry land. But they did not just wade into shallow water before it was held back - they stepped off of a bank holding the Ark (the presence of God). They would have beeen under the water as soon as they stepped into liquid. It was a step of obedience as well as a step of faith and was not easy.

Jacob's benefit concerts and fund raisers were put together by both friends and strangers - what has become our community - stepping into liquid. Connor Childs who put together the concerts for Jake took the name that Robbie called our blog, Journey Through Fire, and established a non-profit organization. (see www.journeythroughfire.com) The intention he had was to take the benefit on the road to bless Jacob and others. While the concert did not go on the road, they have still been working and finding ways to come alongside those in need.

Last week I received an email from Pam who is putting together a benefit for Jessica Huse. I put her in contact with Connor and we are able to come alongside to help her as others had helped Connor. Pam has stepped into liquid and our community is able to join their community as we watch God hold back the waters. As Connor and I have been talking, we are seeing our visions come together. I deeply desire to see others in the midst of tragedy experience community as we have. We desire Journey Through Fire to come alongside and help - not take over - but to equip, encourage, empower their community. So, we are stepping into liquid by faith and by obedience.

Stepping into liquid is about "being the church" for those of us who consider ourselves followers of Christ. It is putting what we believe into the place of action. It is about stepping up and doing what God has called us to - giving a cup of water to the thirsty - bandaging the wounded - loving the outcast. If you are able to attend the concert - it will be phenomenal as a thousand voices worship God. If you cannot come there is opportunity to donate right to the family. The event will be held at Calvary Church which was our family's home church for 20 years. It is the place where I was arrested (in Jr High) and served on staff (Jr High Pastor). We have a lot of history there. JJ Heller will be playing - I have quoted one of her songs here. It will be an amazing night.

Here is the website: http://www.journeythroughfire.com/jessicahuse.php

As for Jake, continue to pray as we approach Tuesday's pre-op appointment and that we have smooth sailing to surgery. We had a "no more picc-line" party tonight with friend Kaitlin who also had her picc-line taken out the day after Jake's. It was good to have a little celebration in the house again.

Grace and peace,

Tom (daddy)

7 months and a saint

2010-02-03T23:20:00.000-08:00

For some reason today I actually realized that it has been 7 months since Jacob's accident. Jacob reminded me that one doctor at Kaiser had unfortunately told Jake that he would have his hair back by the end of the year. Long, long journey. But we are in some ways breathing easier with Jake's pending surgery. He has a pre-op appointment next week. We are praying that nothing would put off this surgery (again). Jake is of course a little pessimistic. But it feels like we are moving to the next stage of this journey. Debbie is back at her part-time job as a teacher's aid. I am back into job hunting mode - excited about what is next.

Since both David and Natalie have made tremendous progress I have moved them off of the "critical" prayer list. They most certainly still need our prayer as they enter the time of rehab, adjustment, medical procedures, therapy etc etc. Please continue to support them. There is a time in each tragic journey that we move back to life. The person is no longer critical and yet "normal" life has been redefined. There is still so much to deal with physically, spiritually, and psychologically. It is easier in a way for people to come around the person when they are in ICU and even the hospital in that there is a way to easily visit but we are more willing to drop what we are doing and see someone who is in such a critical state. Recovery is a very lonely time and can be a slow progress trying to get back to "normal" life.

I had a special treat today. I was able to spend about an hour with a saint. Margaret is 95 and grew up in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas on a farm. She asked me to come and here her story. She is an amazing lady. When I was pastor at she was always up in the front - always smiling - always joyful. Each Sunday I owed her a hug. No matter how bad my sermon was - she was always encouraging and grateful. I was able to sit and spend some time and ask her questions and listen to her story. She wants to get this all out so that when it is her time to go home all will be ready. I spent an hour and am going to go back. It is not very often that you sit with a saint.

I share this with you more because I am trying to process this contrast... those who face death in the midst of tragedy and one who faces death at the end of a long life. Margaret is not eager but is so confident and hopeful. Yet in her 95 years of life she giggled as she shared that she almost drowned twice, was struck by lightening and was shot. Incredible. She also lost her husband - the love of her life after 26 years of marriage. She has known he own tragedy. Okay, sorry I am writing this and trying to figure out my point...maybe someone can help me here. My head is wandering.

Here is the main thing that my head wanders back to... in the midst of needing to find a job I also feel this calling. This desire is to see others experience the same community that we have experienced as they encounter tragedy. In the midst of tragedy boundaries are reduced, differences fade and love is expressed. In the midst of tragedy we care less about the color of our neighbors skin, their political position, and their religious beliefs. A child is on death's door we will rescue. A parent loses a child - our gut is wrenched. We hear the word cancer, sadness takes over. In these moments there are people ready to help but they do not know what to do. They just need a little guidance. In these moments we do not know what we need - what do we tell people to do to help? But there is a ministry in coming alongside it touches the person in need and the person who is giving. They just need a little guidance.

Later this month there will be a benefit concert for Jessica Huse. Pam who is organizing it contact us and I was able to connect her to Connor who put together Jacob's friends to do his benefits. It is an answer to prayer for us to simply come alongside and guide and direct as we pour out our love to Jessica and her family - her community.

I will keep you posted on Jessica's concert and how you can get tickets. Jessica remains on my heart. She came into Valley Med while Jake was there. Her need is still so critical. Keep her mom and dad and brother in your prayers.

Grace and peace,

Tom (daddy)

Heaven? Earth? Both?

2010-01-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

Robbie here. I am more or less settled back in to Biola... manning the check in right now. I went to went to a "Missional Movements" conference this weekend, kind of about where the future of the church is going. It sparked some great conversations and thoughts, and led me to a thought that I have been meaning to post here for some time, because I think it is an essential idea that shapes the type of community that Jacob's Journey blog is becoming.

One of the ideas presented in the conference was that the Church should be centered around it's "mission." Out of the functions which a church has (teaching, worship, mission, etc.) mission should be dominant and should influence the rest of the functions, not the other way around. However, over the last few hundred years, the Church has begun to be centered all around worship. Energy and resources are invested above all else into the worship service, and mission falls into a sub-category of activities that some people can participate in only if they feel called in a certain direction (normally taking the extreme form of going overseas). Also, the Church gathering starts to look a lot like a business. The people in a congregation pay money so that "spiritual goods" can be offered for their consumption - musical worship that fits their taste, preaching that makes them feel good, maintain the building where they meet, and offer other mid-week good for different age groups. (Understand, I am generalizing here). Overall, the way that churches are set up, with a centralized authority, places most of the energy and resources on perpetuating a Christian sub-culture, not perpetuating Christ's call to make disciples and minister to the poor, the rejected.

In sum, this conference was about how the future of the Church will be decentralizing authority - empowering each member of the "congregation" to be outward focused, to be on a mission for Christ in their communities. Rather than be "solid" - keeping our church life in a rigid box - we are to be "liquid" - filling into the cracks of culture, finding the lost and the needy. This is a Church that is OUTWARD focused. Our mission for Christ happens everyday, wherever we are, with whoever we come in contact with. Sadly, this actually seems to happen the least on Sunday mornings.

Just look at the Jewish tradition of Sabbath - it was a day of REST. Not a day of running around making sure the service goes off without a hitch. Not a day of anxiety over what other people think of you. Not a day where you are burnt out by 2 PM. In the same way, our "Church" our "sabbath," should be a day of mutual encouragement and rest with people who are doing the same thing every week that we are - being missional, being the church right where they are. This is much different from trying to convert people and then bringing them to your church with you; it is bringing the gospel TO someone, where they are, and empower them to start "church" where they are. To become a bearer of the light of Christ to a dark world.

Which led me into thoughts about the "Kingdom," and an important note on orthodox Christian belief. The Kingdom is wherever the reign of Christ is realized - his Lordship in this world - which brings restoration. It brings a taste of the age to come, as heralded by the Resurrection of Christ. Which brings in the idea of Christian hope. Christ did not die and rise again so that we could do good things in this world and then go to a spiritual, heavenly bliss where we will receive "rewards." Just think about the tone of the New Testament, and the eschatology and hope of Israel in the Old Testament - it is very "this-wordly," not about escaping into an ethereal eternity. The ultimate Christian hope is not going to heaven when you die. Rather, it is what Christ heralded - Resurrection in a new creation. Look at the picture at the end of Revelation - it is the New Jerusalem descending to earth. Look at the incarnation. It is God, the Divine, entering into this world, becoming a part of our existence. Look at the ideal nature of the Kingdom of Israel - its peak was at the height of the reign of Solomon, when it was being a light to the world, experiencing blessings because God was properly dwelling with them in the temple, and the nations were flocking to them to know the secret. And why did Israel fall? Because she started to oppress others in order to artificially maintain her rule.

Anyway, the key to all that I am saying is the hope of Resurrection. Not only does this give us a proper view of the future, but more importantly gives us a proper view of the present. Mankind has been invested with the responsibility of Kingdom building. Just look at the fact that Jesus was God made MAN - one of us, one of our own is on the throne of the Kingdom. Men are God's vessels of rebuilding the broken world. We have a hope in future restoration (full), which gives us motivation to work towards that now. In the same way that Israel was God's chosen nation to be the light to the world, Christians, followers of Christ, are intended to be leaders in the movement from darkness to light.

These are all ideas that I wish to develop more later. But the reason I said that I think this is important for the Jacob's Journey community is that it is becoming a network for families going through medical crisis. Broken bodies. Non-function functions. And an important question to ask is, "How do we deal with utter failure?" What would have happened if my brother did not make it through his complications? Why do people get paralyzed for life?

This is why resurrection in new creation is so important as a hope - because even when restoration fails in the here and now, we have the hope that it will be accomplished in the new creation. Disabled people can hope for a restored nature, even when medicine cannot return them to restoration in this life.

Hope is not a vague notion of spiritual bliss. It is a holistic vision of life as it should be.

Rob (Jake's bro).

lots of stuff - forward motion

2010-01-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

First and foremost I apologize for not passing along sooner the website for David Carson: www.getwelldavid.com. David is in Idaho and is making some significant strides but continues to definitely need continual prayer support.

On the left hand side of this blog I have tried to find a good way to list the links. There are those that need our critical prayers as did our family as Jacob hung on to life. There are also those that need our continual prayers as they encounter rehabilitation and adaptation from their life-altering injuries. Please continue to hold them up as a community and pass on the prayers to others. It is an amazing privilege to write to them and confidently say that the Jacob's Journey Community (of which I do not know how many) are praying for them.

I also want to acknowledge and thank the dental staff of Drs. Ali Heidari and Ramin Moradi in Aptos. They have been such a tremendous help to our family and our own dental needs as well as whitening teeth as a way to help us out financially. They are a wonderful and amazing group of people and I know will continue to be a blessing to all they meet.

As you already know, Jacob's last dosage of Vancomycin was administered Monday night. Wednesday his picc line has become another souvenir. Jacob was more excited about not having to have the antibiotic bottle hanging from his arm for 3 hours a day than the actual removal of the picc line. But it is so nice to see his arm free and to not have my socks cut up any more. (Debbie cut up tube socks to make bands to go over his arm - it kept the picc from dangling on his arm.) So Jake, being infection free now for over two weeks is able to move forward with his head surgery. We have a pre-op appointment for February 9th!!!

So currently we are praying for infection to remain away from Jacob and that all would remain on course for surgery to happen as soon as possible.

Jacob and I had an interesting discussion about his thumb yesterday. He honestly has been frustrated with it and has been talking about just wanting it to be removed. He even began researching prosthetic thumbs which we were told did not exist - you can find anything on Google. We even talked about a friend Darren who could make him something. He actually had a good point in that the thumb and its infection was keeping him from moving forward and that at the end of it he will just have an ugly looking thumb that does not bend. For me it produced guilt as I remembered standing there in his room as he was in a coma praying for the Lord to spare his life, spare his arm, spare his thumb. So many have prayed for his thumb and for me it is the evidence of miracle, mercy, grace. God answered our prayer - and it continues to blow me away. Should I not have asked for this? Was my prayer selfish? Did my prayer and God's answer increase Jake's pain?

God's view is so much greater than mine. And I hold closely to this - His answers are perfect. The waiting that we have suffered through and the time that it has taken for healing continues to build and grow strength in Jacob and in us all. It feels like we can finally begin to see the fog lifting on the "waiting" period and begin to stride toward what is next. Jake is able to use his hand more and more and it seems - he made a fist with his right hand today and amazed me at how much he can close his hand.

We are moving forward. Debbie is going to back to work part-time next week. Another big adjustment but we all agree it is time. She has given so much to be Jake's nurse and loves to be at Mountain School. Robbie starts classes next week and Jensen continues to do so well. So for me, Jake and I will spend more time together as I become the primary one to take him to appointments. I am also taking steps to move in my career search. God has flamed a vision that I have had for a while and I am taking steps toward that. I will share more as I move forward but part of my passion is to surround those encountering tragedy as we have been surrounded and lifted up.

It is time to move forward. Jake and I met with his teacher at school on Thursday. Afterward Jake was able to stop by Wood Shop to say hi to some friends and the teacher. It was so good for me to see Jake moving back toward where he is suppose to be and to see others so excited to see him. We have been and are so incredibly blessed.

the torment of my soul consumed me
the anguish of my heart bound me
thrown deep into a pit my cries were mute

yet you o Lord stood beside me
holding me close mending my soul, my heart
you heard my cry before it was uttered

recovery is rocky and steep
the scars limiting my movements
paralyzing fear never far away

yet you o Lord stand with me
hold me close - mend my soul, my heart
hear my cry, remove my fear

Grace and peace in abundance,

Tom (daddy)

picc line, X-ray, good reminder

2010-01-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

The house is very quiet. I have maybe an hour to myself and don't know where to begin. So I thought I would start with a quick update as to what is going on today for us. Robbie made it back down to Biola. Work starts today at noon. His mess is gone. Amazing how one added adult to the house adds to the stuff. But of course we miss his stuff. He went back I think with each of having a stronger sense that it is exactly where he is suppose to be. I am looking forward to hearing what God is going to do through him and in him as he strives to connect with people and complete this semester.

Jensen is of course at school. Minimum day today. It is my day to focus on Jensen and Deb on Jacob. Yesterday was the opposite. We had one appointment yesterday that ended up being a longer day. Dr. B (the main plastic surgeon that we have been seeing for his thumb) did some debridement and called Dr. E out of surgery to take a look. Overall it looks incredibly good. The focused on three areas. Two toward the tip of the thumb is where the bone was showing through. That is healed and good. The one area toward the palm is about the diameter of a nail. He went in and chipped away at the bone there to aid in the skin growing over and not around. He drew blood which is a healthy sign. Dr. E was also excited to see hair growing on the thumb as it means the thumb is healthy enough to grow the follicles.

So the big decision yesterday was if Jake would get the picc line out or not. Dr. P the Infectious Disease doctor is pushing Drs. E and B to have it come out. Jake is off the Vankomycen and a dry picc line is not good. Dr. E wanted an extra just to make sure that they are not missing something before they say "yes." They also wanted to take a look at the pins in his thumb (they hang out the tip about an 8th of an inch and go clear passed the joint.) The pins are securing the thumb so that it fuses. Jake will basically have a post - not able to bend the thumb joint.

It took about an hour and a half to wait for the X-ray and then we went to a coffee shop to try to do homework (no seats - sitting out the cold did not last long). We waited for a phone call from Dr. B to say come back and get the picc line out. By 4 we were ready to head home and get the line out today. Jake had to go back anyway for an appointment. I think I wanted it out yesterday more than Jacob did. He had already figured it would not happen as they had said last week. He was right. I think I just see this as such a huge step - a huge celebration of forward motion.

So today Debbie and Jake are getting a splint made to increase the stretchability of his right arm. He can raise it to be about even with his shoulder now - huge increase. The underarm was the worst damaged area. It reminds me when I think about it how thankful I am that he has his arm - even his thumb. The answered prayers are there.

Monday night I had the amazing opportunity to conduct a funeral for a beautiful lady. I did not know her but know her family. It was a ministry to me to hear them describe their mom - to catch a glimpse of her life and to see the consistent love those she touched had for her. Grandchildren, children, friends, neighbors - even someone from the hospital she met - applauded her humility, selflessness, compassion, kindness, gentleness, her gentle spirit, and how she quietly overcame adversity. Though I did not know Doris before her death - I got to know her after death. I got to see her in the faces of those that she touched. I was overwhelmed. I was also thankful. Thankful that God had allowed me to not yet see the funeral of my son. That we have an opportunity to work on and display before God and others these same qualities. It is easy to slip back to non-loving behavior. I keep thinking and wondering what the world would be like if we increased the love that is described in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud. It is not rude,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Everything that is not love that we strive for is an obnoxious noise that strives for attention but irritates and disturbs those who hear it. I needed and continue to need this reminder that I might be a blessing to those that I see and that it might be a sweet song to God in how I care for and love him and others. God truly sees how I treat people as how I treat him. I got some work to do.

We are blessed to be a blessing.

Tom (daddy)

a little celebrating is due

2010-01-23T11:27:00.000-08:00

Good - make that GREAT news. I had a telephone conference yesterday with the doctor who is monitoring Jacob's infection and antibiotic levels. It has been decided that Jacob can come off of the antibiotic after this dosage which ends on Monday. This to me is huge and to be wildly celebrated for a couple of reasons.
    #1 - the doctor said that he can have his pic line removed. The antibiotic has been given through a slow drip bottle twice a day over a 2-3 hour period. So Jake has to function with a bottle and tube hooked up to his left arm. He got use to it but it is awkward and one more thing to deal with.
   #2 - his thumb graft is taking. That last bit (10%) that we have been watching is healing and covering the bone.
   #3 - we can move forward with Jake's head surgery. He needs to be infection free before the composite (not metal) plate can be put in his head. He has been infection free for at least 2 weeks now. I called the surgeon to get the ball rolling on his pre-op appointment as soon as I hung up with the infection doctor.

It feels so good for me to move forward with some good news. Jake is missing his friends, missing working at Freeline, missing driving a car, etc etc. He wants freedom and this is a step toward a bit more independence.

More to share as things transpire this week. But I just wanted you to join us in this celebration.

Love and peace in abundance,

Tom (daddy)

"Robbie's Journey"...?

2010-01-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that the title of this blog, "Jacob's Journey," is misleading. Granted that the things that I, my dad and mom have posted here are inextricably tied to Jacob's Journey, it still remains that Jacob, from the day he found consciousness again, has been going through his own emotions, thoughts, angers, fears, etc. And that is something that we could never fully articulate here. This summer, my family and I were quite transparent about our journey as we waited by Jacob's hospital bed, and it is a challenge to find where the boundaries of that transparency should now be given that Jacob is not the same as I am or as my dad is or my mom.

That said, it has been a while since I last posted! I have been very unsure as to what I should post - do I keep posting my own thoughts and leave Jacob completely out of it? Do I need to make sure I have an update about Jake in the midst of one of my posts? I am still considering starting another blog. Regardless, I felt a prompting this morning just to re-connect with our blog community; so consider this a re-introduction. My heart prompts me to continue posting - to continue to be connected with the network of love and support that is around my family and will continue to be.

I have been home from Biola for almost the whole month of January... I go back this next week. It has been a huge blessing to spend time with my brother... to just be two brother's together again (plus Jensen, of course). To make fun of my parents together (to an extent). To watch movies and talk and make jokes about Nicholas Cage and Dennis Quaid. But there is another part of me that is still so uncertain, so unsure, wrapped in despair. It can be put this way: On June 28th, I also received an injury, and it still hurts. Every now and then I hear a re-telling of the night of Jacob's accident... I hear the story from a different perspective, or hear a new added detail, or feel some reminder of the horrors of the summer, and I feel this pang of sorrow in my gut.

If you haven't yet, I encourage you to check out connorwatch.org. Connor Williamson had a severe accident over a year ago and has been paralyzed ever since. His dad, Eric, blogs (verb tense of the word "blog"). I commented on one of his blogs back on December 28th, and from that an interesting train of thought came up:

Eric:

I really appreciate this post by you. Whenever I have expressed these feelings, I always receive feedback by people that are astounded that I would feel that way; after all, my brother Jacob is alive, God spared his life... don't I have a lot to be grateful for? Shouldn't I stop questioning, doubting, mourning, and find joy and peace and worship God? I have come to find that joy is much much different than happiness, worship is so much more than singing happy songs, and that it all comes down to making a choice. What people do not seem to get is that the burden and grief is no longer from the potential loss of my brother, but from the continuing present hardship. This hardship takes the form of watching Jacob struggle internally, watching myself struggle internally, and not feeling God anywhere. A big question for me is: "OK, what's next?" Am I really going to live with more crap like this happening all around me, every day? That is depressing. That is aching. People talk a lot about trusting in God when life is tough. It seems easy enough, because it is usually defined by just changing your attitude. I agree with you, that this does not seem to be the extent of it. Faith is not just a mental decision; it is somehow acted out every moment of every day, in the little ways and the big ways that you act. But, people don't often talk about how you trust God when you don't trust him. How do I hold on when I have no faith? How is God there for me when I am spiritually destitute? When I feel emptied of any Spirit? People tend to define “The Holy Spirit" in terms of how they think God makes them feel. Again, I think it is so much more than that.

Ok, this is pretty thick, I know. I was going to go into another thought too, but I think I'll save it.

Basically, it all comes down to a choice. Because how are we supposed to trust God when we don't feel like trusting him? We can't just sit around and wait until we feel better about it. The Scriptures never determine which emotions a trusting human is supposed to feel, but we sadly begin to define "spirituality" as how we feel inside, typically our emotions. I think this is horribly wrong. Every person on the face of the earth (I'm generalizing here) has gone through the entire range of emotions whether or not they believe in God. We are promised joy from the hope that we have, but this does not mean that sorrow ceases to exist. Our "spirit" engages the whole of who we are. It is not some vague plane of higher existence where we can transcend the normal experience and feel better. Being a spiritual being means fully engaging with reality for what it really is. God came into this world as the Messiah, as a man, to prove this - that he cares about this world, he cares about our world, and he is willing to die in order to bring physical reality back into proper relation with his Spirit. After all, the ultimate Christian hope is not a post-mortem spiritual existence (going to heaven when you die). It is being ressurected in the new creation. God is going to redeem our world. We have a hope for perfection of our bodies, not ditching them for ethereal bliss (Surprised by Hope, by N.T. Wright, is an excellent source for this topic. I am guessing I will be posting more things about this book in the future, because it has been dominating my thoughts for quite some time).

Anyway... where was I... trusting God/loving God/following Christ is not a matter of "spiritual growth" in the sense that it is normally defined. It is not a matter of gradually feeling better about your personalized relationship with God. Rather, it is a holistic engagement with God's reality - his Kingdom - as heralded by Christ, as it is here among us, and as it will be perfectly in the future. Most of our metaphors in Christianity today define our connection to God as a "personal relationship." This can be important, but it is not the point. The point is that we acknowledge Christ's Lordship and become good stewards of the things he has entrusted to us, yes, personally, but most importantly in our communities - because you would not be who you are without the people around you. Individual choices that are manifested in communal activity.

Therefore, trusting God is not strictly an enterprise of the soul, defined in the "mental" sense. It has physical reality, manifestations of the Spirit of God with you. This is where discernment is used to see what is of the Spirit - in 1 John, it is said that the primary indicator of the Spirit is "love." Are we loving each other? Sure we can claim to love God... but how do we exhibit that in any way other than showing real, practical love to those around us?

This sounds incredibly vague and idealistic, which is the point - the lofty theological/philosophical assertions that we make will necessarily affect how we live every minute of our lives (if we take them seriously). Every action you perform throughout the day - every step taken, every word spoken, every interaction with someone - is spiritual. The way you act will show what you believe. So what do you believe?

-Rob (Jake's bro)

Forward Motion

2010-01-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in a coffee house in Aptos. Jake and Debbie headed out to appointments. I dropped Jensen off at school and then headed down to meet with Jake's teacher. It has been quite a couple of weeks. Robbie had his wisdom teeth out and is recovering at home. Jake had to share the nurses for a little bit. Robbie heads out next week for school in LA. Boy will that be a shock to our family to have him gone again. What a blessing it has been for all of us to be together for over a month.

Though we are still in this eternal waiting period we are still in forward motion. Stronger and stronger day by day. Faith is measured less by leaps and bounds than in steps - sometimes the smallest of steps but it is still forward motion. There are times that the faith we hold on to is put to a test that requires leaps and bounds but these are also the times that we also use our hands to grip and grab and perhaps even crawl forward. The point is that we continue to move forward. As I have said before and hold onto, getting out of bed can be a step of faith.

One of the big things that God is teaching me lately is that I need to hold firmly to the vision/passion that he has placed within me. I need to move forward to pursue these confident that this is my call and that there is a reason he has brought me through all of these experiences (good and bad). That is so tied up in who I am and the hope that I have. I see this in each of my sons. My role is less about telling them what to do than in fanning the flame of who they are and who they are becoming. I was mourning a bit the other night thinking that we are out of the child stage - Jensen is now an emerging teen. While it is sad it is the growth that is exciting...staying the same or going backward is not what we are meant to do. It is exciting to watch and to come alongside as each of my sons find their own voice and their own call and their own passion. May I not get in the way.

And I do honestly get in the way. My fear and insecurity get in the way of who they are emerging to be. I say no far too often (Robbie imitates me quite well, shaking my head and jowls). My "no" is fear - all the more heightened by Jake's injury - of what might or could happen.

As we move each day closer to Jake's surgery, I pray that we would continue to move forward. That Jake's thumb would heal the last 10% and that the head surgery would come quickly - in God's timing of course - but a little sooner would be nice.

Peace and Hope,

Tom (Daddy)

Like chasing a mirage...

2010-01-16T14:22:00.000-08:00

It is Saturday. Taking a sick day. A lot has happened in the last couple of days and then again nothing really has happened or at least changed.

Thursday was a very full day. Jake and I left here in the morning and had back-to-back appointments. I am amazed to watch his progress in therapy. His coordination, strength and stamina are at I would say 70%. I think what holds him back the most is that he is not able to fully use his right hand (he is right handed). It is still covered with a formed plastic splint to protect his thumb. In theory it should help him use it a bit more but it also gets in the way. Plus his fingers still feel weird. He was describing it has this continuous electric shock feeling. The fingers are sensitive. He is using it more and more - but still uses his left hand for most things - even chopsticks left handed!

Thursday night was Aptos-La Selva Fire District awarding Captain Greg Hansen "Fireman of the Year". It was so wonderful to watch as the standing room only crowd gathered to appreciate this hero. I kept wondering what would happen with all these firefighters in the district board room as this crowd exceeded the fire capacity. As the representatives from the Aptos Veterans of Foreign Wars presented Greg with his plaque, I was surprised by a couple of things. First that he was being awarded this for saving Jacob. Okay that probably should not have surprised me but I assumed it was for other things. As we have been able to get to know Greg a little bit, it is without question that this man is a rock, a stable leader and true servant. But that is what led me to my next surprise: this is his third time being recognized as "Firefighter of the Year!!!!!"

What led Greg to risk his own life is what defines his character - truly valuing human life. He saw Jacob lying their in excruciating pain and crawled on his belly to free Jake from the 21,000 volt power line. As you can imagine I wanted more than just a 15 minute presentation - I wanted a huge celebration with speeches and stories. I wanted his partners who were with him, Scott and Ryan, to share and to be recognized as well. Greg always quickly defers any attention that he gets to others - the sign of a true hero. These are amazing men and I am proud to know them. God had the perfect team together that night to respond to the 911 call. The greater reward for Greg is for him to see Jacob alive and healing and growing stronger - able to continue with his life. His sacrificial expression of love resulted in life. We need more "Gregs" in this world.

It is good - imperative - to remember that we have life to be thankful for because often just dealing with things in life can be so discouraging. We received a phone call from the neurosurgeon' s office to reschedule the pre-op appointment that we had scheduled for next Tuesday. It was not surprising but so discouraging. Jake's thumb and the possibility of infection is delaying the head surgery. It feels like we are chasing a mirage. We can see it in the distant but as we move toward it it moves farther away. Yes we know still that God is in control and the reasons - very good reasons - for putting it off, but it is hard. The waiting period continues and continues and continues. Again I come back to what I can see is so limited - yet God's vision knows no boundaries. The shadow I see in the distant that seems to be clear is so small, so slight, so worthless. Yes worthless. I constantly run the danger of seeing things as how I want to see them. What I see in the distant - the mirage - the picture of what I think should be going on - should not be my focus.

Keep your eyes on the goal; Jake's surgery is not the goal. At least it is not the primary all encompassing goal. God is the goal. His plan, His presence, His impact on our lives. But just like his disciples waiting for Jesus to come back after his resurrection, we can't just sit there and stare at the sky waiting. Wait with action. We need to continue to move forward and be faithful for what God has given us...and wait for what is next.

So that brings us to Friday - Jake and I did some schoolwork and then went and saw Avatar in 3D. His first movie in a theater since his accident. We enjoyed our time together. Sitting at Armadillo Willy's Jake brought up his appointment on Tuesday. I had not told him yet that the pre-op appointment was postponed. I felt horrible as it sunk in with him and sat dumbfounded for words to console. We still wait and we keep our eyes on God. His plan is bigger, better and much clearer.

It is now football weekend and I am sick...but so thankful to be here with Jacob and for his continual strength and growth. The best is yet to come.

Grace and peace,

Tom (daddy)

I needed this song tonight

2010-01-13T22:17:00.000-08:00

Arms That Hold The Universe

by Fee

I know it seems

Like this could be

The darkest day you've known

But believe you me

The God of strength

Will never let you go

He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares

You have already come

His grace has brought you safe this far

(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He has still got the whole world in His hands

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands

in His hands, yeah

Still got the whole world in His hands

listen by clicking here then from youtube

Got a call from doctor today...another week of anti-biotics...seems to just linger on and on. I listened to this song over and over again on the way home tonight as it encouraged my soul. We will not give up as God will never let us go.

Tom (daddy)

ps album, Hope Rising, is available right now for download at Amazon for only $5 http://feeband.com/

Greg Hansen - Fireman of the year!

2010-01-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

Aptos firefighter rewarded for saving teen: Capt. Greg Hansen pulled Jacob Kirdendall away from live power lines - Santa Cruz Sentinel

Quick update

2010-01-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

Jake's appointment today was with the plastic surgeons that operated on his thumb - seems like so long ago. Debbie told me that they say it is 90% successful as a graft. The other 10% is that there is bone coming through on a spot and a string. They did some work on it and were able to get some blood which is an great sign - the blood vessels are filling in. So in time we are praying and hoping that the body will do the rest and fill in the last 10%.

Jake is a bit discouraged which is so obviously understandable. He wants to get on with the rest. Tomorrow is a blood test which we will talk to the infectious disease doctor on Thursday to determine if we continue with antibiotic or not. Remember getting the antibiotic is necessary to go ahead with Jake's surgery.

Waiting and watching is our continued place. We are so thankful that God is near and that you are still praying with us.

Grace and Peace,

Tom (daddy)

God is near...

2010-01-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:5-6

I pretty much failed at not being anxious today. I woke up in a panic filled with turmoil over a lack of income, a lack of time, a lack of purpose, a lack of having put away the Christmas decorations. I was "anxious about everthing and there was little prayer, little petition and definitely no thanksgiving as I presented my, hmmm, not requests, more like grumblings to God." And true to form there was little peace and so what would make sense from the above verse is that my heart and my mind was left unguarded. Nobody really noticed - just everyone around me - as I place my expectations, my lack of gratitude and my grumpiness on everyone else. What usually results is blame...my bad attitude is everyone else's fault. And the truth is everyone noticed and did not want to be around me. Around 3 pm I had the morning time with God that I was going to have at 7 as I got up early to start my day. Only I did not start my day early enough.

"In everything by prayer and petition with THANKSGIVING..."

Go back a verse to Philippians 4:4: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious..." Verses 5 and 6 are so often quoted and at least in my case I think they should always include verse 4. I say this because rejoicing - abounding joy - joy on display sure does lead to a lack of anxiety. Joy leads me into the belly of thankfulness. And catch that other word that found it's way into verse 4: "gentleness". Why in the world would Paul filled with the Holy Spirit of God write that our gentleness should be evident to all - surely that does not include my family does it?

The opposite of gentleness holds a lot of anxiety doesn't it? Can anxiety be gentle? Looking back on today - how I snapped at my family and grumbled about them not appreciating me - sure was not gentle. Gentle is not about being wimpy and letting everyone walk over you. It is a quality of maturity that is one who strives after peace and not quarrelsome. (See 1 Tim 3:3, Titus 3:2, James 3:17) The one who pursues peace is one who surrenders their attitude to God and strives for joy, thankfulness, gentleness as they trust God to care them and the burdens that they hold on to as they awaken. Pursuing peace leads us to peace.

"Rejoice in the Lord, always. Again I say: Rejoice. Let your your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:4-6

"The Lord is near." Wow. I got so caught up in what my attitude should be: joy, thankful, peace...I nearly left out that amazing little sentence that we have clung to so many times during Jacob's Journey. God is very near. God is in the midst of each moment. He does not have to be asked to show up. We do not need to go find him. I do not need to go anywhere special to be with him - for he is near. He is on top of us in this very moment - moments of sin and moments of glory - he is near. Does that not remove a bit of anxiety? I guess it might add a little for those times of sinning - but his forgiveness and grace and never away from him. His character is fully in tact all the time and he is present with me. No matter how big and harry the worry is - income, health, death - my loving, gracious Savior is near, available, receiving each request by prayer and petition. Ready and able to guard our hearts and our minds - there is peace.
Tomorrow as we take Jacob to have his thumb examined once again by Dr. Berger (11 am) would you be willing to say a prayer with us for recognizing the nearness of God - that we would not be anxious but be gentle and at peace. I think that would be an amazing prayer for each of us. Pray it for those other communities that we are watching.

God is near.

Tom (daddy)

pressing on toward the goal...

2010-01-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

I am following Natalie's progress, Andrew's progress, Keller Boys, David, Brandon, and some others that have asked us to pray. Some of sent it to pass on to those in Jake's community...some that ask me to just pray. Honestly to be asked to pray is such a privilege, isn't it? Yet I feel so inadequate in my prayer life. I feel so unworthy and so selfish walking into the presence of God and saying - here you go do this. For so long I have seen prayer more as just fellowship with God, spending time with him. And frankly I really do not thing I have done that great a job of it. Yet in the midst of the shadow of death, fearing evil, I cried out to God and begged for mercy, for healing, for Jacob to be healed.

I am realizing that it is not enough for me to get on my computer and just follow the progress of my friends for that keeps them as virtual. I want to physically be transported into the hospital room and pour my heart out to God. Now I do not really need to do that - by the nature of God - it is up to me to enter the presence of God with that very passion that same heart that I prayed with in the bathroom at Valley Medical Center in San Jose is available here and now. I can pray for David in Idaho, Natalie in Southern Cal, the Keller's in San Francisco... So amazing that we have a God who hears our hearts, knows our passion, and loves our prayers.
Perhaps my prayer first should be that I have more passion. Not just a desire but a broken heart of surrender that pleads with God for what is on my heart and that I sense is on his heart - healing is very close to the heart of God.
Paul from prison shared share his passion this way...
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all of this, or have been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ took hold of me."
Even in the midst of suffering and uncertainty going on around him Paul desperately sought knowing Christ. He was mesmerized by the power that was unleashed in the Messiah rising from the dead. He knew that suffering was more than just an individual drama but it held a fellowship - a common bond - that connected us to Christ. Paul made this weird statement that is I think easy to glance over but is highly, dreadfully deep. Living our lives in a way that sees the spiritual connection of suffering and the power of resurrection, radically transforms us.
Jacob will never, ever be exactly the same. What happened to him - his near death experience - changed him. He has scars and wounds that will heal but that alter him physically. The choices he will have in life will now be made in the context of an altered body. We are still waiting, watching, working through rehab to but it also affects him mentally and spiritually. Each time I read other's journals I relate to what we have and are going through this Jake. There is fellowship in suffering - a common bond - a relationship because of the shaping of character.

Okay here we go - Paul next says this: "I take hold of that which Christ took hold of me." There is a correlation between suffering and taking hold of Christ. Not just because we cling to God in the foxhole begging to be spared from death but because Jesus, the Son of God when through tremendous suffering to the point of death on a cross (see Phil 2) and in complete humility took on suffering and then demonstrated the power of God through resurrection - not just to say God is more powerful - but to establish this ability for forgiveness of our sins. The suffering ushers in redemption.
The suffering or tragedy has the power to take hold of us and change us. We choose if that is going to draw us closer to God or away from him. Even now in this midst of this long road of recovery - though we are not facing death - we are facing suffering - does it draw me closer to God - to the power of the resurrection?
A little further in Phil 3 Paul says: "forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
We are not done yet. Thanks for hanging with us and for praying for Jacob and so many others in the fellowship of suffering.
Tom (daddy)

Pressure Garments and such...

2010-01-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to do a quick post to update on a Jake. Today we had a rather long day of appointments. First with the Occupational Therapist which is really very good. I think Jacob does not like it a lot but is willing to tolerate it as she is a very nice person and she cares a lot about Jake. We go into her room which is in Pediatric Therapy. So there are children's chairs, table and toys. He got to play feed the monkey. She pushes him a bit to move to the next level in rehab always trying to find "what is next". She is trying to get him to use his right hand more. This is difficult because of the mental barrier but also because it is in a hard plastic splint formed around his thumb.

The next appointment was a long wait to recieve his pressure garments. These are heavy duty nylons that squeeze his graft sites as they press the fibers together and smooth out the skin. His skin seems like it is healing more rapidly than ever. The pressure garments are not the most comfortable to wear, but we know that wearing them now will quicken the process of healing.

Our last appointment of the day was meeting with the infectious disease doctor who is monitoring Jakes antibiotics. This is a baby bottle with a bubble inside that pushes the antibiotic out into the picc line in his left arm over a 2 hour period. This is done twice a day. We are still waiting for Jake to be free of infection (from his thumb right now) to get on with the head surgery. We are still hoping for the end of the month which would be a huge leap to get the piece back covering his brain. The news today was great in that all the tests show he is doing great. With the thumb still showing a sign of infection we are on a week to week basis. So while we were hoping to be off the antibiotics on Monday we would rather be free of infection. So we will be on a week to week basis. Tuesday we will see the plastic surgeon, Wednesday get his blood test, and Thursday see the infectious disease doctor to evaluate if we will be on another week or not.

So we still pray for his thumb and focus specifically on infection being completely gone.

Also please continue to hold up the other journey's that we are praying for. I have them listed on the left side of this page. Please especially hold up David Carson in your prayers as he is not doing well. Miracles do still happen - we have seen it - but more than anything pray for comfort and peace for his wife and family.

Shalom - we pursue justice on earth and God grants peace from heaven...as it is in heaven so shall it be on earth.

Tom (daddy)

Prayer and expanding community

2010-01-06T22:49:00.000-08:00

I did not really like the movie Bruce Almighty. But just now sitting here at the computer I thought of a scene where he is receiving all the prayers from people all over the world. I think he is actually on a computer and decides just to grant all the requests - and if I remember it right things really get out of whack. Can you imagine if God decided to answer our requests just as we wanted them to be? What if two people are praying for opposing outcomes? What if the answer actually makes things worse?

Anyway I was thinking about this as I am receiving more and more prayer requests...all of them touch me deep in my heart and are cries to the savior for restoration and deep need. I am feeling so inadequate in the amount of time I spend praying at all - and here they come. I can hypocritically just pass them on to so many that have been praying for us without even leaving the comfort of my computer. These request hurt because of the deep hurting that so many are going through. And yet I offer them to God and invite others to join me in offering them to God..."be anxious for nothing but in everything in prayer and petition let your request's be made known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus our Lord." Debbie and I memorized that verse before we were even dating. Simply offer them to God. Join God in the moment of compassion and hurt with a person...hurt with God. God already knows, already cares, and yet we have been invited to join him.
I have not been praying for Jacob's thumb as I had been. I did last night as I fell asleep and as I realized this. I have been just assuming that God was moving things in his direction and in his time. Yet I have not been joining with him in prayer for Jacob's thumb - what was the focus and special burden. The miracle thumb that we thought would be removed and is still there and is still healing. Not yet perfect - "I am here God praying again for Jacob's thumb."
I am trying to figure out how to continue to pass on these prayer requests that I receive. I want so badly to be a part of expanding this community that we have experienced, that we have enjoyed, that we have been empowered by, that has been a part of these miracles. How can we do this? Create a response initiative that when a tragedy strikes the community responds... the CHURCH responds. Oh that we might BE the church in the lives of others just as we have experienced in Jacob’s Journey. I think that God is already doing this. The community is already there - it just needs us to come alongside and support them. We do so in prayer - sitting with God - petitioning God for healing, for restoration, for His presence.
There is more to come. God is leading us to more. Though we do not totally see the shape of it, we will continue to respond to each need as we are able that we might reflect Christ to each other. Though this journey has been horrible in many ways - there is such beauty.
As for us and Jake, yes we do need prayers too. Tomorrow we meet with Jake's infection doctor to understand what the next couple of weeks will look like. We continue to some therapy tomorrow as well. Please join us in just asking for peace, patience and enough understanding to make it through each day. I told Jacob the other day that I stress about two things almost constantly: time and money. Jake looked at me and scoffed, "why worry? We do not have either." Though I stress over that which I have no control, God continues to provide in his time and in his way.
Thanks for hanging with us.

Tom (daddy)

Keller Boys - a story we have been following

2010-01-04T23:03:00.000-08:00

I thought tonight I would just share the posting from Monty and Ruedi's website. We could all use a little blessing of some good news. It made my heart glad.
------------------------------
Friends:

“I need to surf” said Monty to Meg today in his whisper-level speech. He said “Hi Danno” when I walked into the ICU, and when Papa Ruedi said “I love you”, Monty mouthed “I love you” back. When Papa kissed Monty’s forehead, Monty puckered up to kiss Papa’s cheek. After a coughing spell, Monty was able to hold the suction tube with his right hand and place the tip in his mouth to remove “junk” that came up from his lungs. He enjoys holding hands, and at one point he pinned my thumb, as in thumb wrestling.

Monty does have obvious deficits, which is to be expected after this trauma and coming off a coma of more than 10 days. He was not able to swallow during his first test by the speech therapist. He is confused and often says things that are nonsensical or unintelligible. Also, when not asleep today Monty was agitated and constantly flexing and extending his arms and legs. He would slide himself down the reclined bed, then when asked would push himself back up again. He pulled out his feeding tube and tried to put his finger pulse oximeter into his mouth to bite it off his finger.

Monty is breathing on his own, though he is assisted with a cannula delivering a percentage of oxygen to his nose. His breathing is not deep, and he coughs fairly frequently. The coughs are not strong and are not generally productive to remove much “junk” from his lungs. Our prayer is that his breathing would grow deeper and his coughs stronger so that his lungs might clean up quickly.

Vital signs were all good today, with no fever. We will get another white blood count tomorrow morning, probably.

At the instruction of the family’s insurance carrier, Monty has been moved this evening to ICU at California Pacific Medical Center, Pacific Campus. I will let you know as soon as I have his room number and visiting hours. He may be moved from the ICU to a lesser intensive monitoring room tomorrow or Wednesday. Our prayer is that he can be moved to rehab by Friday.

Ruedi continues to do well in his therapy. Walking was good today, and Ruedi got onto the hospital’s public computer and did some FaceBooking. By Friday we hope to have an understanding of when Ruedi can move home and continue therapy on an outpatient basis.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, calls, e-mails, visits, cards, meals, etc, etc!

I took photos of the car this afternoon. Our breath was taken away as we drove up and recognized what once was an automobile. On firm advice of police friends, however, we will refrain from posting the photos. Once posted, they could be re-posted in many places, with the unfortunate potential effect of reminding the boys of the accident over and over again.

Thanks and blessings, Uncle Dan
------------------

Great news. Miracles continue. Thank you Lord for Monty and Reudi and for the community around them.

Tom (JK Daddy)

Be Christ, Be Blessing, Be Joy

2010-01-03T23:01:00.001-08:00

Honestly, I feel a bit like tremendous winds are blowing toward me right now. I continue to receive requests to pass on prayer requests for those that have joined Jacob's Journey to pray. They are not lighthearted prayers and they tug at my heart as so many remind me of where we have walked. I do not know if I am doing the right thing but as much as I can I pass on the information through Facebook and through the blog. I feel so inadequate in that they overwhelm me – and so I am so thankful that I have so many who have lifted us up in prayer, now lifting up others.

Tonight I received a request for prayer for David Carson. He is in ICU in a coma up in Idaho. I am praying for his wife and son. A year ago at this time they lost a baby at only 3 weeks. I am sitting here and have nothing really to write – such horrible pain. This hurts so much. Last night I went to sleep praying for Natalie – tonight I am sure it will be David. We have been praying for the Keller boys – God is doing amazing things – amazing things. Jessica is still fighting and waking up more and more.

"We are not done yet." For me that is an important statement. I think the Apostle Paul said we are not of those that shrink back. Each day we face what is before us with hope and confidence that God is with us and will join with us in this fight. This morning in church I was encouraged with the message that agreed with my own longing – that I fight to find joy in 2010. Not that all things will work out the way I think that they should but that no matter what happens – in awesome blessings and bitter frustrations – I would choose joy, find joy, and be joyful.

One of my prayers is that we would continue to develop some sort of network where churches, individuals and groups would rise up and surround those facing tragedy and BE CHRIST, BE BLESSING, BE JOY to those who are wounded. What we have received from those in this Jacob's Journey community might be duplicated. I know that 2010 will bring steps of faith for us as we move to where God is leading us. But we do not do it alone. Church is not meant to be simply a place to gather one day a week and sing songs and listen to a motivational talk. The Church is called the body of Christ – He is the head – and we are the hands of feet doing what he has called us to do – love, mend, restore, bridge, connect, care….etc etc etc.

We were able to talk to a man today who I have respected from a distance for some time. I do not really know him well. He was sharing with us (Robbie, Jacob, Debbie and me) how he had been touched by our journey. It led him to write a song that will soon come out on an album. It totally floors me to think about that. We were able to just get a taste of how God had been moving even in the pulling together of the song. It was crazy, overwhelming and wonderful. Jacob takes it all in with seemingly little affect. But in the midst of it I know God is shaping and using all of this to move Jacob according to his purpose. God is doing stuff in me but I cannot put that on Jacob. My role is to continue to come around and support him, guide him, and direct him to become who God intends Jacob to be.

That is what we do as the hands and feet of Christ in our community. Continue to guide, support, and direct others to be who God intended them to be – not fit into who we think they should be. That is my continued prayer as we move forward with this community – what we have seen, heard, experienced might continue and that we would be the Church to those around us: loving, caring and directing others to the heart of God.

As you pray for Jacob this week, please pray for perseverance. We have typical appointments for wound care on his thumb, physical therapy, occupational therapy. I need to make some phone calls to clarify and understand what some things as we move closer to surgery. We also have a lot of school to get through as we try to catch up. Pray for perseverance – that Jacob would not get discouraged but walk through the week boldly. He truly is getting better and better each day – not leaps and bounds but steady and sure.

Thanks for hanging with us through all of this. You are a blessing.

Grace and peace,

Tom (Daddy)

2010 a year of Joy...

2010-01-02T12:25:00.000-08:00

It is important to look back...though not always easy. 6 months ago we started an unbelievable journey and you all joined us. The blessings that we are experiencing are beyond comprehension - as are the trials. We continue to learn and grow and as we walk forward the tragedies of others come to our attention. We desire so much for the community that we have experienced to be the reality in the lives of others as they go through trials. Cancer, surgery, divorce, addiction, neglect, depression and oh so much more punch us knock the wind out of our souls. And yet as we are embraced by community we feel the hand of God in the midst of the pain. If there is no pain, life is over for we can be assured that more trials will come. But we are not those that shrink back and surrender. We are children of the King and the God who saves and restores and pours out His love into our hearts. In the midst of brokenness, new life is found. This new life no longer fits into the former system for that will stifle growth. New life needs new patterns of thinking - new wine skins as the Bible calls it. My prayer as we begin 2010 is that we find new ways of pursing joy - not focusing on the old way of doing things for we have seen life anew. My prayer is that we will reflect the character of Christ in increasing measure. That I will respond to my family with love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control... that I will not demand my way first but sacrificially pursue that which is best for others. At least for me, I am praying that 2010 will be a year of Joy - and what I am discovering is that I do have control over that for it is more an attitude than a feeling. Joy is not dependent on all things happening they way I think they should but rests with my brokenness being restored as I surrender to God. 2010 will have more opportunities for steps of faith, more opportunities for testing our hope. and more opportunities to see the hand of God work. We can find joy in these times as well as times of bounty. In life and in death, healing and sickness, in richness and in poverty we can still find joy. As we find joy and give our full attention to the Cross of Christ, to salvation, to the grace of God...our lives, the community and the world is transformed.

I feel like the verses below really sum up things well for this Journey. I know that not all who have stuck with us share our faith or belief. I also know that many who do share our faith struggle with sticking with it. I know we do. Yet looking back we see the hand of God. Despite the imperfections and hypocrisy we see in others and within ourselves, we have found that God is hanging with us and continues to breathe life so that we can take one more step forward. These verses below do not come from an ivory tower but from a prison cell penned with a hand that has known suffering - they are so comforting and encouraging and the more I read the more I gain from them. I wanted to shorten it and yet find richness in the wholeness - in fact I should even add more. If so inclined read Philippians straight through each day for a week you will find such incredible insight.

Philippians 1:3-30
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly. It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.
Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have."

Finding joy...

Tom (Daddy)

January 1, 2010

2010-01-01T01:21:00.000-08:00

It is almost 1 AM. As I sit here typing in my laundry room, Jacob and his friends are having fun behind me. Jake invited a few friends up for a New Year party. Loud laughing enjoying being together. We kind of just let Jake do his thing with his friends. But I am struck right now by the enormity of it all. Jake is able to celebrate and enjoy being alive - having made it to 2010. I am not sure if Jake or any of his friends are able to take the time to understand how truly amazing all of this is. More and more I receive prayer requests from people who have been touched by this journey - who have joined this journey. Some I am able to pass along through this blog or on Facebook. Some I simply treasure and hold in my heart.
Tonight I received a prayer from a wonderful lady that I know praying that the Lord would just take her mom and free her from the suffering that will only get worse from this point forward. I also received a notice from a friend about Natalie who is a mother of 4 and now sits in a coma in a hospital - car accident on Christmas night. My heart goes out and prayers are being sent for her husband and children. What a journey to enter - what a burden to bear. I added the link for Natalie's website to the left. It just is not right. Let the chorus of prayer ring out. Miracles do happen. God does listen.
I do not think that Jacob's Journey is supposed to be simply a prayer chain. But I do get so excited to pass these on knowing that they are landing in the hands of those that understand and have walked a path of prayer - with us - with others - for themselves. There is a chorus of prayers ringing out - hearts of compassion - hope that miracles do happen, God is still listening. We continue to pray as we have been for Jessica, Andrew, Reudi, Monty and now Natalie. We pray that God would step in and that we would recognize his presence. In the midst of extreme pain, heartache, confusion and anger we do not surrender hope - not just that everything will be the way we want it to be but the way God wants it to be.
Jake and I today spent a couple of hours in Peet's Coffee doing school. How cool is that - doing schoolwork on New Year’s Eve. In this midst of all that we are going through we still have a lot to catch up on for school. It was good - Jake worked on his own while I did some reading. I am still reading Philippians where Paul talks a lot about joy. I am convinced that Joy is less a result of good things happening and more an attitude that we pursue and drape around our neck like a fine scarf - not that I really wear scarf’s but you know what I mean. We choose to wear joy - we choose to see the joy in suffering - the blessing in hardship - the hope in trials. Joy is an essential garment that is like a protective uniform that protects us. Maybe more bullet proof vest than scarf then.
I keep holding up 2010 in my heart as a year of joy. I am convinced that no person can rip away joy - except for one person - me. I have the power to make it rain or make it sunny. Joy comes from the perspective for which I gaze on it. I do not simply desire that 2010 comes with a lot of temporal blessing but that it I dwell in the arena of joy. For if I am joyful in all circumstances - others will pick up on that - joy is infectious, attractive, and deeply desired. Gazing on the God who is in control brings great rejoicing.
So bring it on 2010 in sickness and in health, for better or worse - let there be joy.
Happy New Year

Tom (Daddy)

Obama has not called

2009-12-30T00:02:00.000-08:00

I did a lot of driving today...listened to some podcasts that are long overdue. I have not really wanted to listen to others speaking lately. I feel like the themes are either totally irrelevant or way too relevant. One of the podcasts was a sermon that a guy preached in August and it was - yeah, felt funny even saying it - suffering. Specifically perseverance, faith, and suffering. Part of what he said really made me chuckle out of frustration. I am struggling right now even remembering what it was but it was basically something about having an eternal perspective as we encounter trials and that our faith needs to be more than a desire for comfort now but a desire for eternal comfort.
I feel like my faith is so weak right now. I keep waiting for God to open up this huge door and reveal why our family has gone through this last six months. I keep waiting for a phone call that puts it all in place. Like if President Obama called me tomorrow and said, "Tom we want you to serve on a special task force that exists to eliminate pain and suffering in this world." Hmm maybe that oversteps his jurisdiction. I think I try too hard to make things fit neatly into place.

We strive so hard to make things make sense. We want to control and predict so that we can avoid surprises. When will the next big earthquake be? How long until the polar ice caps melt? When will the sun run out? I set up motion detectors around my life so that I won't be surprised when something or someone approaches. My faith is weak. I need to control things. I fear that the unexpected might happen again to someone in my life. "Drive safely. Wear your helmet. Take your vitamins." I asked this question way before Jake's accident: "Is my faith merely wishful thinking?"

Faith is about trust. Faith is about action. Faith is only as strong as the object in which it is placed.

Faith is not about control and perfect calculations but about responding with a character of trust - that comes through perseverance - that comes with making it through suffering with eyes wide open and a heart of joy. Not expecting everything in this world to be perfect but responding with peace, patience, kindness, and gentleness.

I think lately I have been demanding and expecting rather than accepting and rejoicing. I have been frustrated and saddened for Jacob as it seems like this part of the journey seems to drag on and on. Yes I have been thankful. Yes I have been enjoying him. But there is a selfish spike that I am so ashamed of that just seems to say okay let's get on with things. He has suffered enough. We have sacrificed enough. Faith is not about me controlling this or about my timing - it is about trusting, waiting, accepting and hoping. God has got it in his timing and that is worth trusting in.

As for Jacob...he is doing a little bit better, a little bit stronger, each and every day. The thumb, though we continue to watch it is healing. We have an appointment in January for an evaluation for surgery on his head. And we continue to move forward. Remembering where we have come - how far we have come - the miracles that have happened - help to keep our eyes on the hope that is yet to come.

Grace and peace,

Tom (Daddy)

Mom’s Christmas Ramblings

2009-12-27T22:29:00.001-08:00

It's the night after Christmas 2009 and all through our house runs the theme of gratefulness for life – of course for JK's life but for "life" in general. I didn't take it for granted this Christmas that all 3 of my boys, Tom, his sister, my sister were all together once again on Christmas Eve to wear matching red, footed, fleece jammies with Santa feet. I even had a pair for Tom to wear but he was vehemently opposed to the idea. Our "family" photo of all of us had me holding Tom's jammies as Tom "volunteered" to take the picture. JK had requested the PJ's be footed this year and we actually found them long enough for his legs!

It has been and will continue to be a rough road – a battle for our minds as well as Jake's body. His thumb is very slowly growing skin over as it should after the graft surgery 6+ weeks ago. There are two spots that still need the skin to grow or "take". So we wait and pray and wait and change the dressing and pray and wait: daily dressing changes and weekly doctor appointments to monitor things. Fortunately both JK and I like and trust both the thumb doctors we see so that helps. JK's right foot is also a bit of a concern as it is such a tender area (skin on bone is tough to heal).

JK has an appointment scheduled with the neurosurgeon in mid January. This is the same doctor who (along with the plastic surgeons) did the 10 hour surgery to remove the dead skull area. As far as I understand he won't operate until Jacob is free of infection for a month. The synthetic prosthesis is an easy conduit of germs. So Jake is still on Vankomycin twice a day. We hook a bottle to his pik line and the bubble inside squeezes out the liquid over a 2-3 hour period. Jake will be so very glad to be free from it.

So we wait and pray. (Have I said that before?) And I thank God that he is at home and is more courageous than he realizes…I am so proud of him. He still longs for his old, "normal" life back – that is a daily struggle. But he does have his sense of humor and his affectionate ways about him. He hates feeling like he's being stared at but he goes into restaurants and has a way about him that charms the waitresses. He is so loving and kind (also at times sarcastic but hey he is 17). Jake also longs for his old job back at Freeline Surf Shop but instead of being angry and bitter at what he can't have, he goes in fairly often to say hi. They are like an extended family to him – truly the best surf shop ever!

It has been a gift to me personally to feel that so many, many people continue to give of themselves for JK and our family in so many says. It does not feel that it is being done out of pity – I feel like giving has come from hearts that are celebrating along with us that JK is alive and walking and talking and so still so intelligent and semi-sarcastic yet funny as ever. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you all.

There are days that anger, sadness and depression lead and yet it is so good to hang in there and stick it out because there are also days that are full of contentment, gratefulness, peace and fun as well. God does exist and is with us regardless of how we act and feel. He loves us and that is the lesson that I am still learning – day after day. I have been reading slowly through a book by Ed Underwood called, "When God Breaks your Heart." He takes his personal near-death tragedies as well as the story of a Biblical family Lazarus, Mary and Martha. He points out quite poignantly how God has different plans for each of us. We cannot truly see God's bigger picture and how our lives reflect His glory.

Yes, I struggle that the hurts/tragedies in our lives are because God hates us or is punishing us or doesn't care or plays bizarre games with us. But if I believe that as truth, it simply leads me to deeper despair and a giving up mindset – "what is the point? – type days." When I trust that Christmas is really about I have hope. Christmas - the birth of a baby in a filthy, stinky stable. Christmas – the baby became a man living in a rather filthy, stinky world with filthy, stinky people. Christmas – the man went to a cross and dying on the cross still uttered "Father forgive them…" Christmas – leads us to a cross where Jesus in his darkest hour abused and murder by the stinky, filthy humanity that he created still chose to love us. There is still hope.

As I wonder some days and worry about the future…operations, high school graduation, surfing, bike riding, career, will something else happen to Jacob, Robbie, Jensen…the miracle of Christmas is a pretty good reminder. I guess that I am choosing to love in a way when I "let go" and give up my boys, my husband, my family, my friends to God and trust. Otherwise I'd go cuckoo (maybe I already have J.)

This is my wordy way of trying to say we all had a very good Christmas Eve and day and day after even. And there is so much more to come as friends come and visit. Suffice to end with this: I know each one of us struggles, hurts, feels alone, cries and goes through dark times - even if we haven't had extreme tragedies in life. I also know that despite my trembling, when I place my trust in Jesus, He saves me.

Merriest of New Year to you this 2010 and thanks again to those of you who have and continue to care for us in so many ways.

Love

Debbie (Mom)

Not done fighting...

2009-12-26T22:17:00.000-08:00

It was a very good Christmas.

Understatement perhaps as you look at all that we have gone through over the last 6 months, but it really was a very good. Rob, Jake and Jensen - our three sons are in themselves a tremendous gift. Honestly it was not the "Leave it to Beaver" perfect family Christmas, but we all know that does not really exist as each has a bit of dysfunction of its own. There was the typical irritation at one point or another as we do things that the others do not like. I was writing to someone this week as I realized that I was probably more relaxed this Christmas as compared to the last two. Yes I am still not "working" but through so many we were blessed beyond expectation. "Working" right now is still caring for and moving Jacob toward independence as we continue to deal with antibiotics through his picc line, physical therapy, occupational therapy, doctor appointments, school etc. In each moment there is the gentle reminder that we have come so far and have seen the miraculous.

Writing here on the blog has been harder lately in that I feel like there is not much new to share - the roller coaster is a bit more predictable I guess. I realize as I sit here that it is very easy to get back into "coasting". We are not putting on the brakes and trying to avert disaster and are also not putting on the gas speeding through life - we are coasting. Honestly, coasting is good for a time - it is a time of slowing down, resting a bit perhaps (although rest is hard). In times of "crisis" we may pray more, focus more, pay better attention. While forging ahead we may step out in faith and take risks praying more, clearly focused, alert to adjustments. But what about the in between time? How do we keep this demonstrated dependent faith while in neutral?

I honestly believe that nothing changes. In times of shattered dreams, jubilant celebrations and mundane normality moments exist where faith is tested and hope is questioned. In each moment of one's existence we are offered opportunities to recognize and choose God's gift of love (Himself). It matters not as much if we perceive the moment as good or bad. It matters more that we recognize the divine moment and act in dependent faith - even in mundane normality we are able to display a character of righteousness. Sadly though I often choose to cultivate the opposite as I put forth a false self - an altered self - a self longing for acceptance and self-engrandizment. We give glory to God by simply being ourselves - the problem is that who I am has been muddied, altered, concealed. It takes a lot of faith to simply be myself. Yet that is where God meets us and declares his love for us.

Not everyone who reads these words agrees that God even exists. Not everyone to believes in God is able to accept that God loves them. Not everyone who accepts God love dwells fully in that love. It is a daily struggle of faith to dwell in that love.

As a father I look at Jake in his wounded vulnerability and love him. There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish I could completely change what happened to him. Yet what he has gone through is also a shaping of who he is becoming - it has changed him - it will forever affect future choices he makes. I know it has changed mine - changed me.

I guess from where I sit right now I am wondering what is next for us. What steps of faith are next? Surgery we hope in January on Jacob's head, more therapy, job change for me - where does our family go next? It is a step forward in faith as we trust that God will give us leading and insight. But no matter what I pray that we would be focusing on becoming more and more real.

E.E. Cummings said, "to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight...never stop fighting."

Grace and peace

Tom (Dad)

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T22:25:00.000-08:00

From our family to yours - Merry Christmas

Thankful to be together celebrating the life our son as we celebrate the birth of God's Son.

The Kirkendalls

P. S. Robbie has a mustache even though you can't see it here. (It's blond).

Expanding things a bit...

2009-12-22T00:36:00.000-08:00

Jake is asleep. He is in his own bed. From the laundry room where I type, I can hear Jensen and Robbie as they negotiate through a video game together. Helping each other. Debbie is up reading on the mattress that we have thrown on the floor next to Jacob. It has been there since Jacob went upstairs to his room. Debbie has slept next to him each night since - well since he has woken up. She will not leave his side for neither of us want to miss his needs during the night; neither of us want him to wake up and get up and fall down. Though he is incredibly stable, he still has no skull cap and he still hardly is able to use his right arm.

The toll that this whole journey has taken is tough on family. It sneaks up on, this toil, for you do not really think about what needs to be done you just do it. There is absolutely nothing you won't do when you are fighting for the life of your son. My heart is with the Keller family as their boys are in ICU. (see the last post or the side panel for a link) I also can't shake thinking about Jessica's and Andrew - though there is progress - they will all be in the hospital for Christmas. I am also praying often for Sarah's family. How do you go through this family season having lost your teenage daughter? I suspect from the little I know about them, you do so with the community that you have around you - surrounding you and holding you up.

Faith is truly tested in these moments. Life is truly put on the line when you face these trials. We are so quick to give pat answers, quick conclusions, and naive judgments. Though we do not know the trials that others walk we call upon a heart of compassion and gracious mercy to try to understand and pour our hearts out in prayer.

I do not quite understand right now - why I should be so blessed. What a blessing it is to be unemployed right now. I am able to focus on my family and be a part of helping my son finish his senior year...we have a long way to go and need to double our efforts but we can do it together - what a blessing. Jake is getting stronger. Though we are still watching closely over his thumb we do see growth and it does continue to move slowly in a positive growth direction. We are still hoping for surgery on his skull by the end of January.

I have recently been reading Philippians over and over again. These verses are not dogma but are the expression of the heart of a man who has known suffering. There is in them challenge, correction, comfort and just plain pouring out of his loving heart. He is writing to a community that he deeply cares about. Paul wrote this sentence that so many have used time again: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (4:13) Taken by itself that verse gives me great guilt. For I really can't do everything. If that is dogma, I am an utter failure. But if I read it in context it is far from dogmatic - it is the heart of one on a journey.

Here is part of the context...read all of Philippians and perhaps portions of Acts to really understand but this helps:

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.

This is all about community and God's presence. In the midst of those two things I am strengthened and can move forward and find in the midst of the journey that I am on a contentedness that has nothing to do with the external circumstances: that is where hope begins, that is where faith sustains, that is where peace holds on. It seems to me that this brings a whole lot more freedom. I am so thankful for community. I am so thankful that God is not restricted to what I think that he should be like or should do. For miracles do still happen - I have seen them.

Miracles do still happen.

Tom (Daddy)

Monty and Ruedi Keller

2009-12-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

Sunday night and all three of my boys are home. Such a blessing; especially after getting this email from Austin asking for our community to pray:

here is the CaringBridge website link: here
--------------------
Subject: Please pray for my 2 dear friends.

I've been following Jacob's story every step of the way. I'm so happy that everything turned out to be ok.
Now prayer is needed for the Keller family. Monty Keller, as Matthias (18) is fondly called, just finished his first semester at University of Hawaii. Brother Ruedi Keller (20) attends SF Culinary Accademy. Coming home for Christmas break, Monty's flight was supposed to arrive around midnight on Friday, December 18. The plan was for Ruedi to pick him up from the airport and take him home to Ruedi's apartment before going to the family home in San Rafael the following day. The flight was delayed several hours due to mechanical difficulties. Monty texted Ruedi at 4:00 a.m. that his flight had arrived. Ruedi drove his bright green Geo Prism to the airport. His apartment is within 15 min from the airport. Monty checked no baggage, so the pick up was quick.

The boys proceeded to Ruedi' apartment from the airport. They came off 280 onto Junipero Serra, traveling north. A 911 call was received about the accident at 4:33 a.m. They had been rearended by a late model turbocharged VW driven by a 21-year-old young man from Fremont. Officers at the site estimated from the wreckage and the scattering of debris that the VW was traveling at about 100 mph. We do not yet know what happened to Geo after the rear impact. We do know that it was mangled beyond recognition. The VW traveled perhaps 100 yards down the median of Junipero Serra until striking a pole. The VW driver did not survive the crash.

We surmise that Ruedi was tired and asked Monty to drive--Monty was found in the driver's seat and Ruedi was found in the back seat by officers at the accident scene. God was looking out for the boys--they could hardly have picked a better place to have a terrible accident--the accident occurred within a mile of one of the top 3 trauma hospitals in the country, San Francisco General Hospital. What's more, the top neurosurgical team from UCSF, a top neurological team in the country, was on shift at the time, and both boys are attended by the chief of that team. The boys arrived there within about an hour of the crash. Both arrived unconscious but breathing on their own.

Mother Meg received the call at about 5:30, as she neared the end of her nursing night shift at Novato Community Hospital.Between the two of them, the boys suffered only Ruedi's two broken ribs. Spinal cords check out fine. No internal bleading. Ruedi suffered a lung puntured by broken rib, but that resolved early in the day Saturday. Initially ultrasound showed a cut on Monty's kidney, but later films showed that to be gone.

The Concern:
Head trauma for both boys is the concern. Throughout the day Saturday, both boys remained in a coma, under sedation and anti-siezure medications. They were placed on respirators. The team performed two CT scans and placed intracranial pressure and H2O monitors on both boys.

Monty had the most significant injury. His CT showed relatively small bruising/bleading on the back of the brain. Ruedi had no bruising/bleading. Both had intracranial swelling. Monty's swelling resulted in pressure early in the day at about 23. That later reduced to about the 6-10 range. Under 20 is desired. Ruedi's pressure was under 10 all day.

The medical team's plan is to check the boys' mental status three times per 12-hour shift. They reduce the sedation and assess the stumulus that evokes response from the boys. Monty remained non responsive each time he was checked yesterday. Ruedi reacted to poking. One nurse reported that in checking Ruedi he gave her a "thumbs up" when asked a question designed to assess higher brain function. However, that report could not be confirmed on later inquiry. Also, the last assessment before 9 p.m. received no response from Ruedi.

Please get the community aware. Please pray for them.

--------------------
As so many of you have been praying for Jacob and then for all those that we encounter on this journey, we invite a tremendous concert of prayer to be raised for Monty and for Ruedi. Miracles have and do continue to take place.

Lord, hear our prayer - the cry of our heart.
Restore our sons, heal our children.
Cover them with your strong loving arms and
envelope them in your spirit.
Help them, Lord, to know your pressence, to feel your comfort.
I ask Lord if I might, that your peace may cover each and every family member
that has been impacted by this trajedy:
      - the Keller family and friends
      - the family of this young woman that lost her life
      - doctors, nurses, therapists and fireman that responded
Lord this touches so many. Pour out your peace, compassion, grace...
Restore, heal, and comfort these brothers and bring them home for Christmas.
------------------------------
The burden is so great - ever widening net of suffering - ever widening opportunity to bless.

With great burden,

Tom (Daddy)

Dental blessing continues...

2009-12-19T00:05:00.000-08:00

Two local Aptos dentist and their staff have incredibly blessed us. A couple months back they asked us permission to run a special program of whitening teeth and giving all the money to help us with Jacob's expenses. Angela from their office sent me this email today:

"We are excited to inform you that we have collected a GRAND TOTAL for the teeth whitening of $5175.00, (that's a lot of brite smiles out there, all shining for Jacob !!!!!!) The doctor's were so amazed by the outpouring that we will be extending the date until the 1st of February."

They have also been so great at being available to help us with our families dental needs. This community is so incredible. On the left you can find the information on the dental office. Make your appointment for January. Even though they are closed I am sure you can leave a message.

We are so thankful for this continued outpouring of love. As we approach the Christmas week we are all so eager to welcome Robbie home. I am so excited to have all three boys together and to just celebrate and enjoy each other. Jacob is doing well. His thumb is still being watched closely but seems to be healing. He is just finished his 1st week of the third time on antibiotics. So three more weeks and then we can schedule the surgery for his skull cap. I think we are all just holding on to this very loosley.

Miracles continue to happen. Christmas is the celebration of an incredible, world changing miracle. Miracles still happen today - I got one asleep upstairs. I pray that we would not miss the miracles that are before us as we gather with our families and friends. Even in the midst of despair and heartache - the miracles are there - maybe we need to wipe the tears away and look a little harder. God is moving and acting and speaking - my prayer for myself is that I would pay better attention.

Cheers...

Tom (Daddy)

Faith when you don't feel like it

2009-12-18T08:31:00.001-08:00

This is Robbie.

It has been a long time since I have felt like blogging, and I still don't really feel like it, but I wanted to check in. It has been hard for me to write here because I'm never really the one who has direct updates about Jake. I have been toying with the idea of starting my own blog, but that has not materialized yet. So to work myself back into this blog, I'll just give you an update on myself as I am getting ready to go home for Christmas break.

This entire semester, the theme for me has been learning to live my own life again. I wanted so badly to not go to school, to stay home with my family, to help Jacob recover, to take a year off, to transfer... something. Slowly I have come more to terms with graduating from Biola. I have felt more and more 'empowered' to pursue my life apart from my family. A number of things helped in this, and overall there is still this strong urge to get out and do something else, to not get away from the feeling of being trapped at Biola.... but I am prayerfully exploring where this urge comes from.

After I began this process, I began to do some reflecting. Looking at my brother's situation from this new vantage point, where I am OK with not being a large part of his recovery and am OK to be away from my family as they go through this, it is as if I had to go through the grieving process all over again. I look at pictures of my brother before the accident and find it insane that he will never be the same. I look at pictures of him with his friends, hear stories of them, and realize that his relationships with them will never be the same. He is missing out on the bonding experience of his senior year of high school, and there is a huge difference between feeling sympathy for someone and actually sticking with them to the end. Very few people make the cut for this second type.

It is like the questions all flooded in again. Seeing an older picture of Jacob - comparing his former life to his life know - feels like there is a knife inside of me that is forcing its way out. Perhaps the only way to get past this is to focus on his life ahead - to focus on progression, and consider the past only in reference to what we have been through, not what we want to change. Immediately after the accident, I would have these weird dreams, and then throughout the days imagine myself watching Jacob's accident from a high vantage point, like I was some spirit hovering over it. Even though I saw it and strongly wanted to stop it, I was restrained. I got this sense that I could not stop it - not just that I did no have the ability to stop it, but that even if I did, it was useless. What happened happened, and what happened brought us to where we are now. There is no use ruminating about how things could have been - there is only accepting how things are and moving forward with a sense that everything has led up to you being at this point, now.

In the face of disillusionment, struggle, heartache, etc, the question is not if you feel like trusting God, but if you make the choice to. Right now, I do not feel like trusting God. There are too many questions and too many struggles to say that I want to trust God. This semester I took Modern Philosophy, and from that sprung some philosophical questions about God's existence. Philosophically, you cannot prove or disprove divine existence. You can offer convincing or unconvincing arguments in either direction. Many philosophers in the past have merely used God as a tool to explain some facet of their epistemological system. Whatever roles man puts God in, whatever reasons we offer for his existence or non-existence, it still all comes down to a choice to trust or not to. I just finished writing a paper for Ancient Political Philosophy, where I argued that true allegiance, true loyalty, does not involve just being persuaded to follow, but involves an entrusting of oneself to the authority - that yes we have reasons to obey, but true loyalty means we are also willing to obey even when there is no clarity, and reasons are not apparent. Is this blind obedience? Maybe. But how can we be truly loyal if we only obey when we can see the reasons and the way ahead? Yes, it is important to be convinced and for authority to have reasons for obedience... but there is always that moment of trust when we are exposed as loyal to ourselves or loyal to him whom we claim to obey.

All that is meant to say that yes, we must be persuaded with reasons to have faith, reasons to believe in a God, reasons to trust in the Spirit of Christ and what he did 2000 years ago as a man... but there will always be a level of uncertainty. There is a necessity to trust in the midst of murky waters and confusing, insufficient answers.

There I go again, nothing related to Jacob! I am looking forward to being home with the family. My brother's life and vitality is the only thing on my Christmas list this year (not so sure that Santa could pull that one off), and I am trusting that this gift has been given and will continue to be given.

And this is my prayer...

2009-12-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

We are not yet done praying for Jake's thumb.

Today was the weekly checkup with the plastic surgeon. It is almost the same thing - "still watching it." There is in there good news. It is healing and skin is growing. There just continue to be areas of concern. But we still rejoice that we have come so far.

This is a week of appointments and craziness. Each day this week has activity. And in the midst of all of the doctors appointments we still need to have time or take time for school and exercises.

I am flying up to Oregon this week to speak with a missions board about working with them. It is a step of faith and movement toward understanding where God is leading us. My hearts desire is to see the community that we have experienced spread. My eyes seem to see Santa Cruz and San Jose but God's view is so much bigger. In the midst of all that we are going through we still see the hand of God.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. Phil 1:9-11

Pretty amazing prayer. I find that it is so needed today. That our love may abound in knowledge and depth of insight. Smart, deep, insightful love. This is the love that brings discernment so that we might know what to do and when to do it. It is the love that is pure and blameless and seeks to bless others. It is a love that produces a crop of fruit that is not rotten but that is righteous. Can you imagine if our community - if our family - displayed that kind of love? Can you picture it? Dream about it. Pray for it. Demonstrate it. That is the love that Christ brought - that is the love that Christmas should be about. Love that displays the fruit of righteousness.

Pretty amazing prayer. It really sounds like a transformational prayer. I would say that it is a love that treats poeple with discerning purity, not manipulating selfishness. It is a love that blesses even our enemies. It is a love that is not about me being glorified but to the glory and praise of God.

Pretty amazing prayer. And miracles do happen. We have seen it. So it is not an impossible prayer.

Grace and peace,

Tom (Daddy)

P.S. pray that prayer for Andrew and Jessica too. Check out the links on the left to hear how they are doing. Awesome - baby steps - awesome.

Reminder of what is missing

2009-12-14T21:43:00.000-08:00

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only so, we also rejoice in our sufferings. Because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - - Paul in Romans 5

We have so much for which to be thankful. Each day I hear another story of a tragedy. As we interact with people, we discover another heartache. Tonight I checked up on Jessica and Andrew to find out how they are doing. Each are making baby steps. I checked up on Sarah's family and community. A few people in the community with tragedies have come to my attention as well. Suffering does not seem to take a break. In fact it is no secret that the holidays are one of the most difficult times for those with loss as it serves as a reminder of what is missing.

This of course continues for Jacob - reminders of what is missing. Where he "should" be and what he "should" be doing. Really where he longs to be and longs to be doing. He was going to take woodshop again this year and make mom a jewelry box with hidden doors. His first year he made a box for his grandparents - the size of a hope chest. Last year he made us a table for our breakfast room. This year is a year of healing - no wood.

Jake is trying to use his right hand more. It is hard. The thumb is still in a brace and his fingers are sensitive and weak. Tomorrow the doctor will check the thumb again to see if the graft sight is taking. Last week it was still 50/50. Jake is actually getting pretty good at using his left hand. He is even doing a crossword puzzle.

It is easy to just say "look on the bright side" or "count your blessings." Recovery is not just about convincing yourself that things could be worse or that we should have a positive attitude. So often that just stuffs down the grief. Grief comes and goes and I really think it is healthier to explore what is missing rather than stuff it aside. As Jacob said after someone told him that it could be worse, "yeah, but it could be better too." Forcing a positive attitude is not persevering; at lest in my opinion, it is avoiding. Persevering is experiencing the suffering and allowing it to shape and build your character and move you to a place of seeing hope. Hope gets stronger as it grows not as it is neglected and hidden out of sight.

How then do I help my 17 year old son "persevere?" How do I look at him and help him to see that God is going to use all of this and in fact is using all of this? How do I convince him him that he is beautiful and amazing and still has so much to offer? 17 years old is still so fragile. Our teens try so hard to be so independent and strong and yet there is still so much to learn and grow and experience. Maturity is something that comes with making mistakes and experience suffering. Responsibility brings consequences as well independence.

I keep coming back to the verse about in Romans 5 because perseverance does not end. It is a daily struggle in the midst of suffering. It is a daily facing of the setbacks and the limitations that have come as a result of this injury. There is a constant reminder of what is missing and it causes great grieving. And yet as we move, tiptoe, step, hope and run through these daily trials the are glimmers of hope, moments of victory, and tremendous founts of joy. For we are not done yet. We have a day ahead of us that is another step forward and another taste of blessing as we have indeed been blessed with so much.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing
power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not
crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck
down, but not destroyed." 2 Cor 4:7-9

We have been given a tremendous gift.

Tom (Daddy)

Two parties...

2009-12-13T01:11:00.000-08:00

There are moments that stand out as especially significant - maybe not momentous but subtly significant. Today there were two Christmas parties. The first was a huge crowd of strangers eating boiled hot dogs and cake. There were children everywhere making cookies, visiting Santa, and receiving presents. There was music - live music of Beach Boys songs and it was held in the cafeteria at Valley Medical Hospital. This party was held to simply bless families of burn survivors.

The second party was with teenagers eating spaghetti with meatballs and homemade Almond Rocha. The plaster shook as they laughed and screamed and sang and exchanged white elephant gifts. There was Twister and music - from an Ipod and boom box and of course from the video game Rock Band. The part was held in our home and held simply to gather and enjoy Jacob's friends.

It was a subtly significant day. Jake for the first time visited the Burn Unit where he spent two months of his life of which he has no memory. Several nurses were able to greet him and hug him and all remarked - "wow you are tall, no wonder your feet kept hanging out of bed."

Significant day in that it to me is a day that shows how far we have come. The friends that had to visit Jake in two's at Valley Med and dress in gowns and whisper fearfully to him wondering if they would ever talk to their friend again were able to come into our home and just be kids again together. No great fanfare at either party acknowledging the achievement of a survivor but there is great significant. Amazing wonder that the journey has not gone the way of the grave but continues to move to life - abundant life. It is so easy to get caught up in how far we have to go but stopping and looking back we see how far and uneasy is the road we travel.

The Road not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

...Robert Frost

The road that we choose can often not be the one that we would have chosen. And we most definitely cannot go back to the place that choice was made. We must in fact trod on in forward motion; the attitude with which we trod makes all the difference. Each day has smooth and rocky paths; dreary depressing weather and amazing beautiful sunshine; and challenges that knock us back and also nudge us along. Each moment is a decision in who we are and what we will do. Do I act with integrity and righteousness? or do I cheat and deceive. Unfortunately the right path is not likely to be the popular and celebrated path but the one less traveled. Makes a big difference.

Praying for more subtly significant days and moments for Jacob as he continues to move forward on his journey. We are so thankful for deep friendships that we have found that has also made all the difference.

Peace and hope,

Tom (Daddy)

Thinking about community...

2009-12-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

Today we had an appointment that was quite helpful; it was more of information really to help us as we move forward with rehabilitation. Really each choice that we are making right now is to give Jacob the best possible opportunity for recovering as much of his life as possible. He asked us tonight about the missing muscles in his back. What will that do to limit him? From what we understand it will affect his arm movement - perhaps for paddling his board. He will work at building other muscles and find ways to adapt and compensate. We have seen so many that have done so. Bethany Hamilton the young surfer who lost her arm has learned to not just surf again but surf in major competitions. That is what we move toward as parents - our children to move away from dependence on us, giving them responsibility as they can be trusted, freeing them more and more as they mature.

One thing I know is that we cannot judge others for what they do with their children. But also that we need community around us to help in the maturity process. We have been blessed with friends, pastors, teachers, who have built and are building into our boys. When difficulties rise many tend to withdraw and hide or cover up and hide. Yet in the midst of a trusted community of people we can love and support each other and carry one another's burdens. We need to find ways to strengthen this community, people you can count on.

Both Jessica and Andrew who we have been praying for are making remarkable progress. I have posted on the left column here links to those that we are praying for. I hope that it helps and makes it easier to connect to them. Read. Pray. Surround them with the same love that we are experiencing. I also received an email from an old friend Susie as well who is having surgery right before Christmas on her jaw. Pray that she will be home for Christmas!

Also, I just have to say it again: Please pray for the family of Sarah Botill. Not surprisingly, I received an email from a friend who is connected to that community, as they are so devastated by her death. Our friend told me that this family is being surrounded and loved and that you can tell that so many are praying for them. Please do not stop.

Thanks for continuing to care and support us.

Tom (Daddy)

never put to shame

2009-12-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

Jake and I escaped down the hill to my parents house in Los Gatos. It was 33 degrees when we left home - frost everywhere and our little fountain had a half of an inch of ice - perfect for Jensen to freeze objects (currently a Rock-em Sock-em Robot. Jensen is at Science Camp this week - could not have picked a colder week. Jake and I are trying to push through some school assignments. Everything is Internet based and we need to increase the pace a bit in order to graduate.

While Jake is working and while I wait for him to need my help, I was reading the articles about Sarah, the young Gilroy girl who passed away from alcohol poisoning and thinking about the devastation that community is going through. So completely overwhelming. Honestly, though I am removed from them, it hurts so deeply. The finality of death - the tragedy of loss. In so many respects my loss has been avoided, my tragedy is moving to victory. Though right now Jake is dependent on us for so much - we will know freedom for him.

This young 15 year old girl - in senseless, tragic loss has left a void of remorse that parents, family, friends must work through to avoid their own downward spiral working through the same questions we have worked through; why? Why Lord? You are in control and you have the ability to make a little adjustment to spare this life. I still look at Jake and ask the same questions. Why could you have not just made the damage a little less. What are you going to do through this? How are we going to be blessed and how are you going to be glorified through all of this.

These questions, I am convinced are very, very necessary. They are not questions to be feared or avoided. But they are also not questions that we should ever be satisfied with simple answers. What has happened with Jacob is an ever expanding and widening journey that continues to teach and grow us. Jacob's ministry is just beginning. I am hopeful and expectant that God can and will use these stories of suffering and tragedy to expand His community. The Andrew Sinclair and Jessica Huse communities and experiencing the suffering of coming out of a coma and moving toward steps of recovery and rehab at some point. We pray that God would continue to use it and bless them. Lord what do you have for Sarah's community. "Lord, reveal to them your presence, your hope, your purpose. Fill us with your peace - strength to make a step toward tomorrow.

^{Romans 10:11}As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."

That verse comes in the context of Paul writing to a people in the midst of a cultural tragedy - a major mind-blowing paradigm shift in thinking. What they thought was the way God worked was being shown to be so much greater. They were acting a certain way to please God and were being told that the actions were nothing if the heart was not pure. Much more God was including Gentile's into his kingdom and Israel was not responding. Paul wants them and us to understand that the message of God was that simply believing in your heart and confessing with your mouth that Jesus is Lord is enough.

There is a message of hope. Even in the midst of devastating tragedy - as I remind myself often - there is still hope - God is still present - He is still good. I look at Jacob's wounds - his scars and still cringe - my heart still hurts. Yet they are are reminder that God is still good.

There are hero's among us. There are teens that remind us and reflect to us that God is still good. He is not done yet and desires that we surrender our pain into his arms and find that his strength is so much greater. As Robbie continues to remind me - it is more about releasing our pain to him - surrender - than it is about trying to figure out why.

Grace and peace,

Tom (Daddy)