Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Obama has not called

I did a lot of driving today...listened to some podcasts that are long overdue. I have not really wanted to listen to others speaking lately. I feel like the themes are either totally irrelevant or way too relevant. One of the podcasts was a sermon that a guy preached in August and it was - yeah, felt funny even saying it - suffering. Specifically perseverance, faith, and suffering. Part of what he said really made me chuckle out of frustration. I am struggling right now even remembering what it was but it was basically something about having an eternal perspective as we encounter trials and that our faith needs to be more than a desire for comfort now but a desire for eternal comfort.
I feel like my faith is so weak right now. I keep waiting for God to open up this huge door and reveal why our family has gone through this last six months. I keep waiting for a phone call that puts it all in place. Like if President Obama called me tomorrow and said, "Tom we want you to serve on a special task force that exists to eliminate pain and suffering in this world." Hmm maybe that oversteps his jurisdiction. I think I try too hard to make things fit neatly into place.

We strive so hard to make things make sense. We want to control and predict so that we can avoid surprises. When will the next big earthquake be? How long until the polar ice caps melt? When will the sun run out? I set up motion detectors around my life so that I won't be surprised when something or someone approaches. My faith is weak. I need to control things. I fear that the unexpected might happen again to someone in my life. "Drive safely. Wear your helmet. Take your vitamins." I asked this question way before Jake's accident: "Is my faith merely wishful thinking?"

Faith is about trust. Faith is about action. Faith is only as strong as the object in which it is placed.

Faith is not about control and perfect calculations but about responding with a character of trust - that comes through perseverance - that comes with making it through suffering with eyes wide open and a heart of joy. Not expecting everything in this world to be perfect but responding with peace, patience, kindness, and gentleness.

I think lately I have been demanding and expecting rather than accepting and rejoicing. I have been frustrated and saddened for Jacob as it seems like this part of the journey seems to drag on and on. Yes I have been thankful. Yes I have been enjoying him. But there is a selfish spike that I am so ashamed of that just seems to say okay let's get on with things. He has suffered enough. We have sacrificed enough. Faith is not about me controlling this or about my timing - it is about trusting, waiting, accepting and hoping. God has got it in his timing and that is worth trusting in.

As for Jacob...he is doing a little bit better, a little bit stronger, each and every day. The thumb, though we continue to watch it is healing. We have an appointment in January for an evaluation for surgery on his head. And we continue to move forward. Remembering where we have come - how far we have come - the miracles that have happened - help to keep our eyes on the hope that is yet to come.

Grace and peace,

Tom (Daddy)

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