Saturday, December 26, 2009

Not done fighting...

It was a very good Christmas.

Understatement perhaps as you look at all that we have gone through over the last 6 months, but it really was a very good. Rob, Jake and Jensen - our three sons are in themselves a tremendous gift. Honestly it was not the "Leave it to Beaver" perfect family Christmas, but we all know that does not really exist as each has a bit of dysfunction of its own. There was the typical irritation at one point or another as we do things that the others do not like. I was writing to someone this week as I realized that I was probably more relaxed this Christmas as compared to the last two. Yes I am still not "working" but through so many we were blessed beyond expectation. "Working" right now is still caring for and moving Jacob toward independence as we continue to deal with antibiotics through his picc line, physical therapy, occupational therapy, doctor appointments, school etc. In each moment there is the gentle reminder that we have come so far and have seen the miraculous.

Writing here on the blog has been harder lately in that I feel like there is not much new to share - the roller coaster is a bit more predictable I guess. I realize as I sit here that it is very easy to get back into "coasting". We are not putting on the brakes and trying to avert disaster and are also not putting on the gas speeding through life - we are coasting. Honestly, coasting is good for a time - it is a time of slowing down, resting a bit perhaps (although rest is hard). In times of "crisis" we may pray more, focus more, pay better attention. While forging ahead we may step out in faith and take risks praying more, clearly focused, alert to adjustments. But what about the in between time? How do we keep this demonstrated dependent faith while in neutral?

I honestly believe that nothing changes. In times of shattered dreams, jubilant celebrations and mundane normality moments exist where faith is tested and hope is questioned. In each moment of one's existence we are offered opportunities to recognize and choose God's gift of love (Himself). It matters not as much if we perceive the moment as good or bad. It matters more that we recognize the divine moment and act in dependent faith - even in mundane normality we are able to display a character of righteousness. Sadly though I often choose to cultivate the opposite as I put forth a false self - an altered self - a self longing for acceptance and self-engrandizment. We give glory to God by simply being ourselves - the problem is that who I am has been muddied, altered, concealed. It takes a lot of faith to simply be myself. Yet that is where God meets us and declares his love for us.

Not everyone who reads these words agrees that God even exists. Not everyone to believes in God is able to accept that God loves them. Not everyone who accepts God love dwells fully in that love. It is a daily struggle of faith to dwell in that love.

As a father I look at Jake in his wounded vulnerability and love him. There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish I could completely change what happened to him. Yet what he has gone through is also a shaping of who he is becoming - it has changed him - it will forever affect future choices he makes. I know it has changed mine - changed me.

I guess from where I sit right now I am wondering what is next for us. What steps of faith are next? Surgery we hope in January on Jacob's head, more therapy, job change for me - where does our family go next? It is a step forward in faith as we trust that God will give us leading and insight. But no matter what I pray that we would be focusing on becoming more and more real.

E.E. Cummings said, "to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight...never stop fighting."

Grace and peace

Tom (Dad)

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