Sunday, December 27, 2009

Mom’s Christmas Ramblings

It's the night after Christmas 2009 and all through our house runs the theme of gratefulness for life – of course for JK's life but for "life" in general. I didn't take it for granted this Christmas that all 3 of my boys, Tom, his sister, my sister were all together once again on Christmas Eve to wear matching red, footed, fleece jammies with Santa feet. I even had a pair for Tom to wear but he was vehemently opposed to the idea. Our "family" photo of all of us had me holding Tom's jammies as Tom "volunteered" to take the picture. JK had requested the PJ's be footed this year and we actually found them long enough for his legs!

It has been and will continue to be a rough road – a battle for our minds as well as Jake's body. His thumb is very slowly growing skin over as it should after the graft surgery 6+ weeks ago. There are two spots that still need the skin to grow or "take". So we wait and pray and wait and change the dressing and pray and wait: daily dressing changes and weekly doctor appointments to monitor things. Fortunately both JK and I like and trust both the thumb doctors we see so that helps. JK's right foot is also a bit of a concern as it is such a tender area (skin on bone is tough to heal).

JK has an appointment scheduled with the neurosurgeon in mid January. This is the same doctor who (along with the plastic surgeons) did the 10 hour surgery to remove the dead skull area. As far as I understand he won't operate until Jacob is free of infection for a month. The synthetic prosthesis is an easy conduit of germs. So Jake is still on Vankomycin twice a day. We hook a bottle to his pik line and the bubble inside squeezes out the liquid over a 2-3 hour period. Jake will be so very glad to be free from it.

So we wait and pray. (Have I said that before?) And I thank God that he is at home and is more courageous than he realizes…I am so proud of him. He still longs for his old, "normal" life back – that is a daily struggle. But he does have his sense of humor and his affectionate ways about him. He hates feeling like he's being stared at but he goes into restaurants and has a way about him that charms the waitresses. He is so loving and kind (also at times sarcastic but hey he is 17). Jake also longs for his old job back at Freeline Surf Shop but instead of being angry and bitter at what he can't have, he goes in fairly often to say hi. They are like an extended family to him – truly the best surf shop ever!

It has been a gift to me personally to feel that so many, many people continue to give of themselves for JK and our family in so many says. It does not feel that it is being done out of pity – I feel like giving has come from hearts that are celebrating along with us that JK is alive and walking and talking and so still so intelligent and semi-sarcastic yet funny as ever. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you all.

There are days that anger, sadness and depression lead and yet it is so good to hang in there and stick it out because there are also days that are full of contentment, gratefulness, peace and fun as well. God does exist and is with us regardless of how we act and feel. He loves us and that is the lesson that I am still learning – day after day. I have been reading slowly through a book by Ed Underwood called, "When God Breaks your Heart." He takes his personal near-death tragedies as well as the story of a Biblical family Lazarus, Mary and Martha. He points out quite poignantly how God has different plans for each of us. We cannot truly see God's bigger picture and how our lives reflect His glory.

Yes, I struggle that the hurts/tragedies in our lives are because God hates us or is punishing us or doesn't care or plays bizarre games with us. But if I believe that as truth, it simply leads me to deeper despair and a giving up mindset – "what is the point? – type days." When I trust that Christmas is really about I have hope. Christmas - the birth of a baby in a filthy, stinky stable. Christmas – the baby became a man living in a rather filthy, stinky world with filthy, stinky people. Christmas – the man went to a cross and dying on the cross still uttered "Father forgive them…" Christmas – leads us to a cross where Jesus in his darkest hour abused and murder by the stinky, filthy humanity that he created still chose to love us. There is still hope.

As I wonder some days and worry about the future…operations, high school graduation, surfing, bike riding, career, will something else happen to Jacob, Robbie, Jensen…the miracle of Christmas is a pretty good reminder. I guess that I am choosing to love in a way when I "let go" and give up my boys, my husband, my family, my friends to God and trust. Otherwise I'd go cuckoo (maybe I already have J.)

This is my wordy way of trying to say we all had a very good Christmas Eve and day and day after even. And there is so much more to come as friends come and visit. Suffice to end with this: I know each one of us struggles, hurts, feels alone, cries and goes through dark times - even if we haven't had extreme tragedies in life. I also know that despite my trembling, when I place my trust in Jesus, He saves me.

Merriest of New Year to you this 2010 and thanks again to those of you who have and continue to care for us in so many ways.


Debbie (Mom)


Anonymous said...

Thanks, Debbie, as always, for continuing to post. You and Tom and Robbie all have wonderful-but-different ways of expressing your hearts and your recognition of God's love, so it's really nice to get to read what each of you is thinking and feeling as you continue this journey and take us along. We love you all SO SO MUCH!! ~~Ginger

Anonymous said...

Your words have always reached into my heart, not my head where everything gets rationalized and put into boxes. I also learned from you, that feelings are not facts. Feelings come and go, and the only place to surrender that is to God. God is that consistent force in our chaotic sometimes unbearable life. You Debbie are amazing, beautiful and real. How blessed you and your family are to have one another.

robin teague said...

Thank you Debbie for having and taking the time to write down what is on your heart. Bless you, bless you. I think of your family often even though I haven't met you personally yet. Love, Robin Teague

robin teague said...

I hope my comment is repeated twice, I don't know exactly how to work all this yet.
Thank you Debbie for taking and having the time to write what is on your heart. Bless you, bless you. I think of your family often, even though I haven't met you personally yet. Love, Robin Teague