Thursday, November 12, 2009

Mom's perspective

Some of what Debbie wrote here is hopefully clarifying of what I wrote - some duplication. But I wanted to keep it intact as she wrote it. So here you go....

Thurs Nov 12, 2009 8am

JK lies in his bed asleep still, thank you Lord - yesterday's dr appt was disappointing to say the least as JK was put back on Vancomycin, "the king of all antibiotics". There is an infection under his thumb bone. Then antibiotic is in a "baby bottle" type apparatus and I attach it to his pic line in his arm so that it can drip into his system over a period of 2 1/2 hours. He's already been through this routine as he had it for the 1st 8 weeks after being home from the hospital. It may seem at 1st glance like "no big deal, just put up with the drug for another month, twice a day and it should free his body of infection." But for JK, it represents a step backwards as I think he saw himself as done with bottles attached to his he was working on being free of antibiotics (Dr's orders for a month so they could move that much closer to head surgery date. We were hoping for early December that they would operate - placing the "prosthesis" piece over his dura and brain to replace the dead skull bone that was removed, re-seal his head with the muscle and skin currently in place and THEN would begin the lengthy process of JK getting a "normal" head back - even hair eventually.

I don't know how you'd feel, but he's tired of looking and feeling like a "freak" and now the process will only take longer. My only words, besides fervent prayers for God to comfort him and give him peace and perseverance, are that "he won't be like this forever" - only problem is that it's little comfort to someone who knows they are missing their senior year of high school, missing not so much the academics (unfortunately from a parent's standpoint) but JK is missing all the memories being made.

Life goes on - his friends, surf, parties, school, church, biking - speeding by faster than a bullet - Jake use to be one of the fastest. He would get up before the sun, whistling, showering, stomping up and down the stairs, playing his music, cooking himself sausage and eggs and then head out for school or go surfing or go to meet friends...different day, similar pattern.

How does one grieve a life they had that they loved and still continue living in a new and limited fashion? Only God knows we all limit ourselves somehow and only God can "restore us" in His ways and His time. The verses Jesus said to some are "you do not have because you do not ask" have been rattling around in my brain and heart from this I have barely started by Ed Underwood, When God Breaks Your Heart. Tom bought it and read it in the first two weeks of this journey. By the way, does God really get the blame for broken hearts? I guess I will see when I get into the book what Ed has to say. My heart has been shattered in different ways and at different times in my life - some days the pieces seem to be gluing themselves back together. Like when I focus on the miracle that JK is alive and loving and funny and wanting to get better. Other days the shards of my heart would like to remain in bed forever.

Anyways - back to - "you do not have because you do not ask..."

Why am I afraid to ask God for specific things/occurrences to happen? Fear tends to rule my life instead of Him, for one thing. I feel it's improper to ask God for anything as He is God and I am nothing yet He is God and ?I am not nothing - I am His child who He loves and gave His only Son so that I might live a restored full life regardless of my earthly circumstances. I think I am afraid to ask God for anything because what if He doesn't give me what I want? Does that mean He's not real? Does it mean He hates me?

Jake is waking up now. I've decided to ask God for things anyway, for JK's sake - it is scripture so why not? I ask you Father to give him a sense of hope, your Holy Spirit's peace, comfort, strength, perseverance - the ability to take life one minute at a time and refuse bitterness.

"For I am convinced that
neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers,
neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us
from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:39-39


Mari said...

Hi Debbie, I've just been catching up on some of the past few blogs that I missed while my computer was on the blink....but we never stop praying daily for Jacob & all of you. Jacob has been heavy on my heart all week as I can only imagine the sadness & frustration he's feeling that he's missing out on so much of his senior year with his friends!(& as a parent how heart-wrenching that must be for you to feel his pain!) I know for a fact that his friends are missing him just as much & feel helpless to know how to express their sadness for what he's going through & their anxiousness for him to be back in the running again with them! There is a void in everything they have to do without him. I hope that Jacob knows this in his heart that he is not forgotten by them & he is in their thoughts & hearts everyday even when they don't get to see him. I wish we could have gone to the Gala to see Jake honored! How awesome & appropriate as he truly is an encouragement & hope to us & so many others, and we can be sure that God will use him in tremendous ways ahead too! What a courageous young man he is! It is great that you are treasuring the closeness you all are experiencing as a family right now, as Jake will be back in the race sooner than it seems at the moment. You all are an amazing family! Thank you for blessing us with your love & friendship and continued words of faith & hope & truth in this blog. We will be praying for all the things you mentioned above & we hope to see you soon. Love to you all from the Kings!

Debbie said...

Debbie--you have a beautiful heart, so full of compassion, so willing to go the extra mile (for anyone) but especially your family and you are so determined to see the goodness of God today, I adore you. It is God's promise to us (to see His goodness in the midst of despair: psalm 27:13-14) and I believe you will. And your resolve to "ask" despite the future looking bleak shows once again...above all else your faith, hope and love will prevail in the face of sorrow, adversity and suffering. May everything you ask for Jacob be done...and for you too!

Indeed, nothing can separate you or Jacob from the comforting love of God.

Debbie said...

I wholeheartedly agree with Mari's comment. Life at Aptos High is not the same without Jacob. He is missed, EVERYDAY. At the same time, I cannot imagine Jacob, being the one on the sidelines...missing out, while things continue to move forward. All I can say is that I have seen God restore years for people in moments. It's unexplainable and doesn't help for today--but there will be a day, with no more tears, no more fears, no more sidelines or being set-apart. Jacob, there WILL be a day. All your friends will be there when that day comes! AND--seeing you walk on Graduation day will be one extraordinary day!

Anonymous said...

It's 5 am and as God woke me up to pray I was looking through my phone for a scripture on Jacob's mother and I came across your site. My heart was so touched by your story and your faith. Your faith shines through your words like a light in the darkness and sends out a contious flow of comfort. As your pour out of yourself I know the Holy Spirit is pouring in. One thing of learned is in the mist of trials patience must be hired to stand by the faith that is within us. We all have a little unbelief in us and our prayer needs to be Lord help me with my unbelief, that when negative reports come in we will not go by what we see, but we will stand on God's word and declare with confidence that God will never leaves nor forsake us and we can boldly claim in all situations that the Lord is our helper. When you pray, do it with confidence don't let doubt enter your mind and stand in patience and see what Gods going to do. Your trail is just your testimony in progress. Don't let fear or doubt rob you of your peace or your faith for Christ died for both our physical and our spiritual sufferings. It's his faith, which has been tested and proven, which we can draw from. In our faith alone we fall, but when we seek the faith of Christ that lives within and seek the Holy Spirit who was sent to be our comforter, all things are possible and we can speak life to any situations. Many times we hold back in fear that what we speak my not come to pass, but the word says God does not gives us a spirit of fear, it also says he gives us a sound mind. Therefore we can conquer every thought that comes to attack us. Have no anxieties or worries, but in all things pray with thanksgiving. Start thanking him for your prayers and just as Jesus used the word when he was being temped, that is our power tool when fear enters our mind and our hearts. God knows that fear is the enemy's greatest weapon, that why his word says not to fear over 365 times, because for many of us we need to hear it daily in our trails. Right after having my twins I had to leave the hospital without them, because they were premis and needed additional care. That was one of the hardest moments for me to go in with both and to leave without them. My tears were coming down as we drove home, but I wiped them away knowing that everything would be fine. When I got home I recevied a call from my babies doctor and was told my son had a disease in his stomach and the told me they were starting treaments on him, but they made me aware that the disease could be deadly. My mind knew that God was in controll, but my heart was breaking. My husbands comfort could not bring the peace I needed. I needed the peace that surpasses all understanding, that comes from my heavenly Father. I had prayed for twins about a year before I had that and asked that they would be healthy among other things and just as he gave them to me I knew he would not take them away. So as I separated myself and poured out my brokeness and reminded him of his promises ( just like our babies remind us of ours, mom you said....) and as I poured out he poured in his peace and love. I just lifted my hands and began to praise him, just because I love him and the song of my heart was Praise You In This Storm and I was remindded where my help comes from, it comes from the Lord, he who created heaven and earth. There is no situation that we can't praise our way out of. God Bless! I pray that your son is not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually healed also. God bless.