Tuesday, November 10, 2009

day of suffering

Pretty worn out tonight.

This is a picture of Jacob and Edgar at the Gala - two survivors - two hero's.

We had an appointment today to take a look at Jake's thumb. The skin graft is doing really well. He still has two pins running through his thumb through the front. The doctor said that it will remain until it is healed - they will keep checking it weekly. He put it back in the soft cast. He let us know about the results of the culture that they took from the soft inside of his bone. Basically his thumb will fuse together at the joint.

On the way home the doctor called us and let us know that there is an infection in the thumb. This means that he needs to be back on the antibiotic that we give him through the pic line. He has been off of this for 3 weeks. The difficulty is that the neurosurgeon wanted him off of the antibiotic for 4 weeks before we went ahead with the skull cap. This is very very good that we found this out now. But it is also emotionally hard as it feels like it is a step backwards. Yet even as I write this I know that it is still a step forward - just a smaller step than we want.

It is also just emotionally so very much - especially to watch Jacob's face - his countenance drop as he just wants something to be less - now it is more - more medicine - more procedures - more doctors - more suffering. It is so much to handle. It is so hard to watch the pain on your son's face - to want it to be over - to so deeply desire for him to move forward.

I realized this Sunday that I have resisted the term "suffering" through all of this. In church as Rene' was talking I felt terrible uncomfortable being associated with suffering. Not out of denial more just not wanting to be viewed as someone in suffering - so I guess it would be pride or shame. There is fear that I might be viewed as less spiritual or capable because of my suffering. Like so many have observed - there are so many suffering far worse than me.

Watching Jacob, there is no doubt that there is suffering. Looking back on the journey - yes there is and has been suffering. Suffering holds within it's grasp great amounts of fear.

I received two messages today that culminated my day as it drew me into suffering of others. One was from someone I have not met yet but gave me an account of the suffering upon suffering that she and her family is going through. The other was from someone encouraging us with her prayers. Fear and suffering seek to exclude us from that which is safe - from the place of love. Perfect love casting out all fears helps us to grave hold of the savior.

Romans 8:15-17 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

As we continue to plod along I pray that we would be worthy of a glimpse into the purpose of God. God is still very much real and necessary in this journey. And there is opportunity to be a bridge to the suffering that others are going through.

There are things that all of us can do right where we are.

Love and peace

Tom (JK's Daddy)


Noree said...

Sending love and continued prayers...
Bless bless bless,
Noree and family

Lois Stinogel said...

We prayed for both Jake and Andrew(and families) at our church prayer meeting this morning.-again realizing that these situations are continuing miracles. 2 steps forward-3 steps back-yet still moving forward. So good to hear about the family support-if I hadn't had that when my husband died, I'm sure it would have been alot more difficult.

Continue to share-thanks!

Lois Stinogel

Lois Stinogel said...

Boy, i need to re-read my comments before I post them-or try not to do them late at night! It's not 2 steps forward-3 backward. It's the other way around-3 forward and 2 back!