Saturday, October 24, 2009

hard pressed

As I sit down to write tonight, I am finding myself hard pressed. The day was really fine. But tonight I felt so pulled and weary and frustrated and feeling this great pressure. It is so strange to even say that. I do not feel like I have the right to be anything but extremely thankful and blessed right now. Though I have no job we are able to survive do to the generosity of those who continue to bless us. My son is a walking miracle. We have three amazing boys and a very supportive family and community behind us. Yet I am so weary for Jacob. So frustrated with his frustrations.

Sometimes I feel like I am going to break - not from weariness and fear of death but the every day continued pressure and strain. Plus I freak out over money issues no matter what. I panic and worry about three months from now and see doom of what might happen.

I feel like I have no right to be down - God has incredibly blessed us. Yet I am down. I am tired. I am weary. Part of it is this pressure to do something - to make this miracle count - to take action and find the reason for all of this and do something that blesses back others as I have been blessed. I am thinking that way and wanting to go that way. And then I feel like I cannot do what is on my heart. I cannot do all that I think I should be doing. And the pressure to perform to be something more than I am is building to a bursting point. Someone will ask me what I am doing for a living and I stress over what I should be doing.

This subtle little stress is not from God. God has called me right now in this moment simply to be right where I am. We have seen this in him from the beginning. As John says, "We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." And we have seen God work incredibly - magnificently - miraculously. He has reminded me again and again you are right where I want you. And yet I want more; I feel guilty of what I think people will think about me. I get so caught up in that over what God thinks about me.

I started reading the gospel of John today; "the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us." Listening to God and rejoicing in today I simply need to step through the moments and listen to God who is with me in the midst of all of this. I am frustrated and angry about where God is and with Jacob we question all of it...wondering what next, what are going to do next Lord. I still trust God, I still have faith in God, I still put my hope in him...I just don't like where things are today in the midst of this mess.

Praying that tomorrow will be an easier day for Jacob. That the back pain will go away and he might enjoy these moments in the midst of this great pain for him.

Thanks

Tom (JK Daddy)

6 comments:

Mari said...

So sorry for your frustration & anguish, for Jacob's back pain & sadness....We all wish we could pray it all away! The guilt & expectations on yourself of what you should be doing other than right where God has you now, is definitely not from God! People aren't thinking anything more than amazement at all you're enduring, and have only admiration for your perserverence & focus on what you need to do to help Jake right now, and on the way you have kept faith in God first through it all! The blog in itself is huge in touching an incredible amount of people whose lives have changed and been inspired to seek God in a new & real way.
It is so difficult to understand why these things happen. Just tonight we helped a family in our church move out of their big beautiful home that they lost due to the fallen economy. They are having to move into a spare room in someone's home until they know what to do next. The tears of my friend as she closed the door for the last time was just so heartbreaking, and it's another one of those quesions to add to the list of whys to ask God one day. We do know that there's no condemnation for those who trust God... So as best you can, keep believing that you are right where you are supposed to be and that God will continue to answer the cries of His children and will bring healing and recovery in His miraculous ways, and we'll be here with you doing the same & holding you up in prayer. Our hearts break for all that each of you are going through right now. Know that you are not alone. Much love, the Kings

Anonymous said...

Tom, As I have been following Jacob's Journey, so aptly subtitled Journey Through Fire, I have noticed that there is a lot that you, as Jacob's father are taking on and taking care of, even if it isn't financially. As you said, God has been taking care of that aspect, hasn't He? And who better than you and Debbie to be taking care of Jake? If you were working right now, you'd likely be stressing over trying to find time to do all the things you're able to do for him now only because you're not working! I personally have been blessed, challenged, and inspired reading your many postings. I've read of many specific opportunities for prayer and praise daily! Because you are there!
I hope you find a little encouragement from this.
A sister in Oregon, Eunice

Joslin3 said...

I cannot begin to imagine what all of this must feel like for each of you. What I do know, is that in the midst of this storm, you guys are all giving an amazing amount of encouragement to those following your journey. Love, honesty, dedication, pain, truth, Christ's love, just pour out of your words. You are blessing all of us. I'm praying for you guys.

Lois Stinogel said...

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see" Heb. 11:1(NLT) We can't see God's workings quite often with our physical eyes but things are happening in the spiritual. God is God and I am not-and I need to quit trying to explain why He does things the way He does-especially when it isn't the way i want. He seems to have a problem-He thinks He's God! LOL! I know we all know that His way is best but it still hurts at times. He sees our tears and collects them-how big is your barrel? Malachi 3:16-Then those who feared the Lord talked often one to another and the Lord listened and heard it; and a book of remembrance was written before Him of those who reverenced and worshipfully feared the Lord and who thought on His name-(Amplied) This is what happens when you write and the rest of us read.

Lois Stinogel

Anonymous said...

Tom,
Everytime that I have tried to write something for you and your family I gave up because there were no words that could help me to encourage you when I though you needed some support.
But today, reading your post I just would like to hug you as a brother, as a part of my family and tell you that God knows that you has the strength to support Jacob. God knows that you are the right person. Believe me, you are brave, a role model for parents like me. I know that it is a hard time, a difficult time but you are in God's hands and there is no better place. My dear friend, we were with you since the first night , praying and crying. Today, I am not crying, I am confident that everything will be fine. Why? Because through this Journey I have learned to trust, to have hope, to believe and this is most because of all of you.

Anonymous said...

Tom,

As I read your words my heart hurts for you as I am sure the "Big Picture" is overwhelming sometimes. Yet as you have said "look how far Jake as come" it can still be overwhelming at times. I have a son with mental illness and sometimes I feel beaten down. But then God seems to pick us up just when we need it and carry us through just like He has done with you and the rest of your family (I read Sundays posting, guess I kinda cheated and was able to read the next days blog before writing)!!I just want you to know how much you all have come to mean to me and I will support you in any way I can. Your words have touched my heart, challenged me and spoke to me like you would not believe. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly the good and the hard. I will continue to hold you all in my heart and pray for you and your family.

Your new friend at Bay Federal...Barb