Monday, September 21, 2009

Un-burdening...

What a weekend with Jake! What a joy to be a part of his homecoming. What a blessing to have my birthday celebration with him.

Last week I wrote a blog on how I felt burdened. What a weekend it was with Jake... blessed in so many ways. I felt that burden lift. I am beginning to learn how to drop the burden. How to allow others to share the burden with me.

I stop here and do not know what more to write, because as I write that there is still this gaping wound in my soul. It is still SO hard. It was a difficult weekend. And yet, I can say that the burden is being lifted. I feel relief. And yet, it is probably harder than ever. I sit here in the RA office in my dorm (I am on duty) and have to physically choke down tears as I think about these things, while mentally pushing those thoughts out. I have to give myself specific times to break down. So how can it be that I felt relief coming out of this weekend? I really don't know. Because yes this weekend was a blessing in so many ways, but again it was hard. Indescribably hard to see the state that Jake is in and to know what is ahead.

In this blog, I have been talking a lot about redemption in brokenness. Strength in weakness. This morning I shared this passage with Jacob, a quote from Paul in his second letter to the Corinthians. (What a joy it is that this blog is coming out of a conversation that I had with Jacob!) Anyway, this passage intensely fits into what I have been talking about. It was a verse that I took to heart when I was 12 and we moved to Watsonville and I was having a hard time making new friends. Now I am starting to understand what it really means:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(Here is the context: 2 Cor. 12)

When I am weak, then I am strong.

Don't really know what else to say. Here are the lyrics to the song I am listening to right now:

Don't wake me. I've fallen asleep.
Don't hate me. I have no relief.
This burden is shredding my soul.
This cycle is out of control.

You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I'm falling into you.
You call me as your friend, as I break your heart again.
I'm falling into you.

In a darkened room, this pain is complete.
In my selfish tomb, I smell the defeat.
Why do I medicate?
Why do I go back to the things I hate?
There's something broken in me - I must be soaking in my apathy.

You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I'm falling into you.
You call me as your friend, as I break your heart again.
I'm falling into you.

All who are found in this place; come to the ocean of grace.
All who have spit in his face; come and live!

You call me as your friend - my heart beats once again.
I'm falling into you.
You call me as your friend - I come alive again.
I'm falling into you.

-"Falling into you" by The Glorious Unseen

Love you Jake.

-Rob (Jake's brother)

4 comments:

Tom Kirkendall said...

I thought about blogging this morning as Jacob just left with Debbie for physical therapy. I am home alone for a few hours before I run some errands and pick up Jacob. I think you spoke my heart this morning Robbie. In the midst of all of this joy there is still a great sadness that sinks into all of us. It is the empathy - the same heart that Christ showed so often and healed - this is not the way it is suppose to be. Not that we will not emerge and be used as an instrument to bring hope to others - yet God created us - forming us in our mother's womb - to be fully functioning: not crippled, blind, widowed, cancer-fighting, wounded lambs. The heart of God longs to restore the broken - longs to wrap us up in his arms and restore - miraculous and sudden restoration and slow rehabilitation. Yet in the midst of all of this as we must still surrender our heart, soul, and will to the one that will heal. Thanks Rob for directing my gaze.

Dad

Anonymous said...

So has God abandoned the crippled, blind, widowed and cancer fighting wounded lambs?

Tom Kirkendall said...

God embraces the crippled, blind, widowed and cancer-fighting wounded lambs. Befriends, equips, uppholds and longs to restore - his heart breaks along with those that are broken...it is the heart of Christ to redeem those that are lost - restore those that are wounded.

Nic said...

I have been following Jacob's story since the beginning. I have cried and prayed with you as a family and I have rejoiced in all the recoveries Jacob has made. I am over joyed that Jacob is home with his loving family. I pray that God continues to guide you through this journey. And I thank God for people like you who, with your beautiful words, lift those of us up who need lifting up.

Nichole in San Jose