Sunday, September 20, 2009

Rough night to "normal"

Debbie was giving Jacob his midnight medication and dressing changes. Each time the meds are administered through the pic line it needs to be flushed with saline to clear the line. Deb who has gotten really good at administering the meds could not get it to flush. After trying a couple of different ways we called in and were told to go into the emergency room. The really fun part of all this is that we are 45 minutes from Kaiser. Yet there was no other option - we needed Jake to be on his anti-biotic. They changed the dressing and adjusted the line and we were back home at 4 am. Robbie woke me at 8 am to get up and ready to take him back to the airport.

There was a moment this morning - that things seemed to me to be quite peaceful. It was not that all things were okay as in free from trial and pain but a sense of tranquility as we sat out back on the deck among the redwoods.

There is no way for us free ourselves from heartache - though we long for it. There is no way for us to avoid pain. This notion of "normal" is more based on our expectations and longings to be free of pain than reality. Stuff happens both good and bad to "good" people and "evil" people. It rains on the just and the unjust. There are consequences to our choices no matter how noble or ignoble our intent. But there is also things that just happen to us.

In the book Good to Great, Jim Collins talks about windows and mirrors. Great leaders look in a mirror when things to do not go right taking responsibility for the error. In times of success and celebration a great leader will look through a window trying to find others to share or give credit. Conversely an average or "good" leader will find someone else to blame when things foul up and in times of success pump up themselves. Among other things he says that a leader has humble-resolve.

As you read Phil 2 you here Paul saying this very thing about Christ and how we should pattern our lives. That we should not think to highly of ourselves but live lives that sacrifice for others - not as wet blankets but from the strength and resolve of knowing our bent, our mission, our purpose. Jesus set that as model for us: he knew full well where he was going (the cross) and did not need to promote himself, aggrandize himself, or even allow his followers to do the same. He said, "I do not need the testimony of man."

One of the reason I mention this here is simply in how I look at Jacob. In his vulnerability, his heart is so tender, so loving, so kind. That is really what "normal" is really about. It might not make a lot of sense but "normal" is more about humble-resolve than it is about things staying the same. In the midst of change both good and hard life can still be normal as we release our perceived rights and stay on target with who we are becoming. We can't change what has happened but we can change our own attitude today and the steps we take for tomorrow.

As for tomorrow, we head back out to Kaiser to continue working with the therapists to move forward in humble-resolve on the path of rehabilitation.

In forward motion.

Tom (Dad)


Lynlee said...

Thank you so much for continuing your posts even though Jacob is home. I find myself (quite selfishly) not wanting the blog to end - because I have found such joy in sharing in the journey. Unselfishly I want Jacob to heal and your family to resume your "normal" lives - with all my love and blessings. Thank you for allowing me to join in your journey - it has truly been a blessing.

Lois Stinogel said...

The "normal" you feel is really a "new normal". Life will never be the same again but one does get into a new routine. I've gone through that when my husband had a gastric by-pass surgery and when he died. I'm glad God helps us find this "new normal". There will be a day when there will be no more tears and pain. And until that day, we keep on holding on to God.

John Hixson said...

I agree with everything that Lynlee has said--this journey has been a blessing to us, and your blogs have changed many of us, for God has spoken through you, Tom & Robbie. My prayers now are for God's strength & wisdom to enable you to care for Jacob. Consider that God has given you a very present example of His power in a difficult circumstance where He not only brings healing & strength to the Kirkendall family, but brings motivation to spread His love & wisdom to all the world on a blog! Your "church" now, where you preach, is HUGE!--everyone who reads your blog! We thank God for you & ask Him to bless you all continually.
love, Judy H.