Friday, July 24, 2009

Pacing Ourselves

It has been awhile since I have seen Jacob, and awhile since I have blogged. I saw him for 30 minutes today, and then was kicked out so they could change his bandages. Being exhausted, my Dad and I just headed back to the hotel. I think I have been in the room with him for a total of an hour over the course of the last 48 hours. I am trying to wean myself off of seeing him, as I am moving down to Biola again in 11 days. Its driving me crazy.
I don't know where to begin as far as medical updates, because I am constantly overwhelmed afresh with the prospect of how long he will be recovering. Which only pains me that much more that I am leaving in 11 days. In my mind, the idea of the tracheotomy was a small, short stepping stone to getting him off of artificial breathing. But he has been incapacitated so long, that he is apparently going to have to re-learn how to use his own lungs, how to speak through his neck, etc. I suppose this is just speculation, though, because we really have no idea what each day is going to hold. It may turn out that he is strong enough to breath on his own. We just don't know. The way the doctors were talking, however, suggested the tracheotomy tube being in his neck not in terms of days or weeks, but months. We have no schedule. No time-frames. Which, as I have iterated before, means large doses of patience and living in the moment.
They are still weaning him off of drugs. Meaning more and more withdrawals. Changing drugs. Slowly making steps toward him "walking out of there."
I guess at one point today he opened his eyes and blinked. And it is good to see him close his mouth almost all the way on his own every now and then.

And then, I find it insane that I am even saying these things. We are rejoicing at the most trite things. To what depths has Jacob been reduced? To what hell will others reach in their own journies? To what pit will our souls descend to? Yet even there, is He. How much deeper did Christ descend out of love for us?

I had a short but excellent conversation with a friend before the benefit concert on Wednesday night. He was paralleling Jacob's waking up experience with the idea of resurrection. Jacob will go through incredible, painful, mind-altering experiences and emotions and feelings as he comes to again. How crazy must it must be for Christ to have died, to have entered three days in the grave, the pit, HELL, the lowest point of human existence, and then to "wake up?" How revolutionary is this idea? How reality-changing? How earth-shattering? There is no way in hell (or heaven or earth for that matter!) that we can understand this, understand this paradox of the God of the universe dying as a human and coming back to life. Paradox isn't even a good enough word. But we can start with the idea of "restoration found in brokenness."
I think that many people, especially Christians, deprive themselves of necessary grief and heartache in the midst of pain. The fact that there is hope, that there is a promise of peace and restoration, does not offset the fact of sorrow, pain and despair. The WHOLE POINT, is that Christ entered INTO that very sorrow, pain and despair, not to tell us to not feel that way because everything will be all right, but to show us the hope in HOW MUCH HE LOVES US, by being with us in that pain.

How often do I stop and realize that I know nothing? Not enough.

The night of the concert was a weird night of emotions for me. So joyful in the midst of my friends, my good friends, Jacob's friends, all members of one community in love. Yet I was angry, in denial, and numb to the fact that it was because of Jacob's sorrow.
Being in the room with Jake today, I felt like we are entering a new phase. One that will take endurance, conditioning, resources, one where we will need to pace ourselves. Because it will be awhile. And all those things apply to Jacob the best. He is going to be taking such small steps compared to his normal lifestyle. Well, what is normal?

Currently listening to: This is Love by Cool Hand Luke ----

Is this love
or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort,
we're swayed by every wind.
And if this isn't true love,
then we can just pretend.
But what is love?

This is love
that you would die for me.

Is this real,
or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions,
confused by what we see.
We trade in our patience,
for false security.
But is this love?

This is love,
that you would die for me.

When I'm falling down,
you save me.

This is how I know what love is.
And I'd die for this.

-Robbie

5 comments:

Mari said...

Feeling your pain, Robbie, and praying for you tonight and for Jacob and family....

Dawn said...

Hi Robbie,
I've been uplifting you, Jake & your entire family in prayer. Your blogs have been incredibly encouraging and taken my own personal walk to a deeper level. I cannot express how thankful I am that Chad will be working side by side with a young man of your faith. I am praying that God will give him insight into how to help encourage you and be a support for you @ Biola. Please do not hesitate to let our family & Chad know specific ways we can help you with the "Biola transition". Dawn Lucas (Chad's mom)

design one e said...

Just think of us as your support crew, Robbie...you can reach out any time and one of the 1700 (and growing) of us will be there. This is a process, you are so right. When you are back at Biola with a changed perspective, perhaps you can be of even greater help to your mom and dad who are right in the center ring with Jacob. In any event, holding your family up in prayer every day.

Christina, John, Aidan, Julia and Andrew

Lotus Lady said...

Robbie,

We have never met - but I have joined you on this journey. I pray for you, your family and Jacob all day. I have been deeply touched by your words and totally blown away by the love that surrounds Jacob. Trust that Jacob is held in the hands of God - and no matter how long it take - I will be praying for him. I look forward to meeting Jacob when the time comes. Much love,
Lynlee Bischoff
PS - I just watched "The Living Matrix" which is about healing and energy... really amazing to know that the scientific community has proof that prayer works (but then we already KNEW THAT).

robin teague said...

This whole thing really stinks! A time to grief is so very very valid! Good will come out of all of this because God is good. He forces all things to work together for good for those who love him and are called according to His purposes. All because He is good, and he wants to do us good.
My husband could tell you stories of what the Dr's. told him when he was in a motor cycle accident in the 1970's and had multiple compound fractures to his legs, dislocated shoulder and a whole lot more. he was told that he would never run again (he was entering his Sr.year in High School then) and if he did walk again it would be with a limp. He showed up at the Dr. office sometime (it took quite a while)later and invited the Dr. to race him, he could run and Tom walked again without a limp.


I am still believing for you that God will do more miraclous workings in Jakes body. God bless you as you return back to school in the upcoming weeks. Your family has endured so very very much before all this. This really takes it all to the edge. I am so sorry.
Thinking of your family often.
Love,
Robin Teague