Friday, July 17, 2009

Lord have mercy

Chillin' with my mom and Jake in the hospital room. I couldn't sleep last night. I slept at my grandparents, who are taking care of our dog Hope. Hope and I were both restless.
He apparently had a restful night. His temperature was a little low (part of the withdrawals from his medications will be temperature highs and lows) so when I got here this morning the room was baking hot.
The surface wound on his left hand is looking good. It is one of the less affected areas, but it is comforting to see it now without needing a bandage and just looking like cracked and dried skin. Every now and then we put some lotion on it so he won't get itchy, which I think is good for us too, to feel like we are doing something.
Still just waiting for the OK to pull his breathing tube out. I think that is the next step. They said they were postponing another surgery until today, but there has been no talk of it.


I have some thoughts written by my mom from yesterday morning 4 AM -

"Tommy: I love you – off to hospital – my thoughts for “blog church” :) -

We can make sure our children have their bike helmets on, sunscreen on, life jackets on, and my sister would always run after my 3 boys with socks to put on their cold feet..yet now I know what I have deep down always known. We are helpless to control all that comes their way – helpless to keep them from painless lives and if we don’t daily trust in the Lord God and who He says He is in His Word, it’s impossible to truly allow our kids to grow up fully in life and love - I Corinthians 13 is a description of love and God IS love. I totally fail daily at His kind of love, but it’s the desire for it that keeps me getting up & going to be with Jake in the Burn Unit. When I find myself hopeless and helpless is when I can choose to wallow in it or beg Him, the God of love to help me, to help Jakey, to help Tom, Robs, Jensen, etc. For today I choose love, tired & weary that I am, fearful of what the future holds for Jacob, for the rest of us, unsure if I can handle it all……and then I remember I don’t have to handle it….God holds my heart – He does love me – He watched His only Son suffer & die simply out of love for people such as us…"


Here are some lyrics from songs I've been listening to (by the Glorious Unseen; if you haven't heard of them, you should totally check out their music! It is amazing):


"All Around"

When my world is caving in
When my hopes are wearing thin
When I'm choking in my sin
Lord, you meet me here.

When all around is crashing down
I find myself alive in you
Holy One, renew

When all around is crashing down
I find my spirit crying out
Holy One, consume

When I listen to the fear
When I feel my end is near
When all hopes disappear
Lord you meet me here


"Tonight the Stars Speak"

Tonight the stars speak
Of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have
Means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, O Lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry, be my strength when I am weak
O Lord, have mercy on me please
Have mercy on me please...

I picture Jacob, with his face tilted toward the ceiling, mouth hanging open with the tube down his throat, bandaged, burnt, fighting the effects of medication.... I picture him in his sleep crying out to God "Have mercy on me please!"

-Rob

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I found myself on this blogsite after seeing the benefit information on the Santa Cruz website. I am a member there. I had not heard of Jakes's accident before now. I am the mother of 3 sons and a daughter. As I read some of the blogs I cry for all of you. I can only imagine what you are going through. There is no greater pain than watching our children suffer. But, I do know that our God is faithful and He gives us the Grace we need moment to moment. I will pray for Jake and all of you, for Jake's healing and comfort and for God's strength and peace that passes understanding for all of you.
In Jesus Christ Our Lord,
Kathy

Noree said...

My dearest Kirkendall Family~
Prayed very hard yesterday~for physical as well as emotional peace for you. I cried as I read Debbie's words to Tommy. Cried~but then was once again uplifted by her words...Robbie's words...Please know, and hopefully be uplifted, by our hearts and prayers that are with you every moment of every day.
Dearest Lord, please be ever close to Jake.
Bless bless bless,
Noree

Noree said...

My dear friends~
We prayed very hard yesterday~for physical as well as emotional peace. I cried as I read Debbie's words to Tommy...cried, but then, once again, felt uplifted by her words, by Robbie's words. Please feel the hearts and prayers of so so many, surround you all...every minute of each day. Dear Lord, please be ever close to Jake, with your healing touch and your blessed love.
Bless bless bless,
Noree and family

raminclan said...

I also teared up when I read what Debbie wrote. So glad to get a small glance into her mother's heart and know she's leaning on the Only One who can help her right now. Big hugs to you, Deb. And thanks for the very wise reminder: "We are helpless to control all that comes their way – helpless to keep them from painless lives and if we don’t daily trust in the Lord God and who He says He is in His Word, it’s impossible to truly allow our kids to grow up fully in life and love."

Also, thanks for this: "unsure if I can handle it all……and then I remember I don’t have to handle it….God holds my heart – He does love me." I will continue to hold you up in prayer to keep this in your spirit. I'm sure it's something you can only cling to by faith when it all feels overwhelming, exhausting. We love you, too, but only God's love can really reach your deepest need. SO GLAD you have Him!

Love, Ginger

Anonymous said...

Dear Kirkendall Family~
Although we've never met, I feel like I know you now, from the blogs I've been reading since day one. I have a lot of friends who are friends with your family and I have been praying for Jacob and your family every day. My heart goes out to you. Almost every blog post brings me to tears. I am the mother of four young kids and I cannot even imagine going through something like this with them. I am so amazed at your faith...trusting God in the storm. I wanted you to know that God is using your blog to bless ME, which I almost feel guilty for...having this horrific time in your life being used for my benefit! Thank you so much for your posts and for being real.
There is an old song by Mark Shultz that came to me this morning after reading today's blog, and I felt like I needed to share the lyrics. From one mom to another...

I'm down on my knees again tonight,
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I'm sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he'd like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He's so tired,
And he's scared
Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow.
See, he's not just anyone.

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him,
He's my son.

Keeping you in prayer!
Gina Lapioli and family

Victoria said...

I received this email request to post to blog:

As I was heading to bed last night-exhausted......... just one last check in on Jacob. I read the latest- my heart is caught in my throat- I groan and slump down to the couch in grief. Slowly whispering "Oh God- heal Jacob- heal Jacob- heal Jacob." Time passes... ... I am crying "God this is too much, I can't bear this......." the emotions consume me.

Thoughts of: let him wake up--- no it will hurt so much. Let him........ let him........ uh-- knowing I do not know what to pray. The only thing I can pray is 'LET YOUR GLORY COME GOD. MIRACLES. MIRACLES. MIRACLES.'

I know in that moment clearly- loudly. "God you are sovereign," and in full trust I stand up spiritually & am praying in great strength & pure faith, and then I seem to go through a tunnel in my thoughts & I emerge out the other side in my thoughts: "sleep now Tom, Debbie, family" .... as I come into the full realization: the watch of the night has been transferred. The prayers & emotions I had been feeling/emotionally are those of intercession. Literally- the watchman are on the wall, all over the nation & beyond. God's beautiful church is alive. It's body is vital, capable, operating-- by design.

Robbie, HIS KINGDOM is being established & YOU are writing pure truth.........
I am deeply, deeply impacted- - eternally impacted-- - and so I close in saying -- you & your dad are gifting us ..... to let us see such an intimate thing- brothers loving God with all their heart, mind, soul & spirit.......... a priceless gift for the body.......... thank you.

love,
a sister STANDING right beside JACOB & YOU all. thank you.

daisyfields said...

Just wanted to share one of many notes I've received from friends that are praying as well -
"Hi Jeanine!
Ive been seeing you post alot of updates regarding Jacobs Journey and I just wanted to share with you that last night for some reason I woke up in the middle of the night and immediately thought about Jacob athough I dont know him, I prayed for him and his family! Just thought I would pass that along to you."
Our hearts and prayers of course still go out to you all daily as well -
Jeanine ~ for the Fields

Cindy Todd said...

Thank you for the encouragement Debbie! Love you, Cindy

Heidi said...

Hi Debbie,
Our family has been away on a camping trip with some church friends. I have continued to pray for Jacob and all of you, but could not read the updates while camping. Today is 7/22 and I'm catching up on all the updates I've missed and crying through so much of it. I am hopeful that as I continue to catch up on the updates that there is even more improvement for Jacob. Your words are so true....as moms...we do as much as we can for our kids, but ultimately the best we can do is to be praying for them and trusting them into God's hands. I've only had to deal with little things, but you are now needing to trust God even more. I don't write many comments, but know that I continue to read the updates and pray for your son and all of you! Love, Heidi Mackie :)