Monday, July 27, 2009

Crying out

I have been in the room with Jake for a couple of hours now. He had an MRI earlier, which showed nothing new - no bleeding or swelling in the brain. Which is pretty incredible. However, they are fairly sure that whatever damage may have been done to the brain, whether the visible gray spot mentioned earlier or things that are unnoticeable, it is most likely affecting his ability to wake up at this point. The nurses would have expected him to able to respond to commands and such at this point, but he is not. The movements he makes and responses he shows are mostly unconscious reactions. He is not processing his outward senses much.
So we wait and see. Wait. Wait. Wait. I can't help but be irritated. He has come so far this past month... but has so much farther to go. Talking with a good friend in the room earlier today, we came to the conclusion that his cognizant spiritual journey will very likely far outweigh his physical recovery.
He is extremely restless and active right now. He opens his eyes every now and then in a hazy way. Still does not respond to commands. Lifts his head off the pillow. Activates his gag reflex. Moves his legs. He has a splint on that is keeping his right arm at a 90-ish degree angle, and he has bent that down so it is almost parallel with his body. His fever is very high. Squirming a lot.
People have told me that they cannot fathom what we are going through. Well, I can't even fathom what I am going through. Most of the hours of any given day I have no idea how I feel. Although I attempt to describe it when asked. But I really can't imagine what Jacob is, has and will go through. Cannot imagine. I feel like I should be more emotional than I am when faced with this, but honestly at this point have almost no reaction. It just is. And whatever it is, it sucks.

Isaiah 64

Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down,
that the mountains might quake at your presence—
as when fire kindles brushwood
and the fire causes water to boil—
to make your name known to your adversaries,
and that the nations might tremble at your presence!

The fact is, this is a promise that was fulfilled at the incarnation. At God-made-man. At the event of Immanuel (God-with-us), the earth was changed - the heavens were torn apart, the mountains uprooted... all the imagery you can think of in the Bible that conveys a "world-ending disaster" picture. The Israelites were crying out that God's would be restored to the temple, in the midst of the people, as it was in the days of the reign of David and Solomon... where Israel was being a light to the nations, and the nations recognized the might of the Lord. They were begging the Lord to break through, to bring his presence down in fire and light and fury of love for them.
And it happened. The heavens were torn apart, and God broke through. But not as they expected. It happened in the most perfectly paradoxical and mysterious way possible - the incarnation. God being put to death. God entering hell, the pit, humiliating himself out of love. The world was turned upside down.
And it is still happening. God is coming (in the active sense) down to us in a similar way - in a Spirit-incarnated, paradoxically humanistic way. The world is shaken, the heavens are torn in two, as we witness the presence of the love of God coming; hence, brokenness. We see him in the small interactions we have. In these moments of physical and emotional torment. God is still denying himself to be with us, out of love. The divine and the earthly perfectly intertwined, perfectly in union. It is indescribable. It is tragic, and glorious, and earth-shattering.
It is happening in Jake. I am seeing God in this sucky situation. More than ever before. But, may I reiterate a word I have thus used three times, it SUCKS! But its good. Try to figure that one out :). His promises of steadfast love still remain. The heavens of our hearts as a Body break at his coming.

By the end of Isaiah 64, the author is still crying out to God!

But now, O LORD, you are our Father;
we are the clay, and you are our potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
Be not so terribly angry, O LORD,
and remember not iniquity forever.
Behold, please look, we are all your people.
Your holy cities have become a wilderness;
Zion has become a wilderness,
Jerusalem a desolation.
Our holy and beautiful house,
where our fathers praised you,
has been burned by fire,
and all our pleasant places have become ruins.
Will you restrain yourself at these things, O LORD?
Will you keep silent, and afflict us so terribly?

I have asked God, "Will you pour out?" Maybe he already has. And maybe he already is. And maybe he always will. And I have aksed God, "When?" Maybe the answer is "now."

He is a little calmer. One more night, and one more morning of being sustained.



FROG4U said...

Robbie, God is Sustaining. I know it does not feel like it but God is there right now. He is holding Jacob in his arms and breathing his life into him. He is there in his spirit and uplifting him. I pray again for Rest for you. Rest for Jacob. God is a God of Miracles and He is working an amazing miracle in the lives of your whole family and all the people that this situation has touched. Know that you are upheld in the arms of the Father and that his heart for you is Peace. It might not make sense and YES it SUCKS but there is hope in that too.
Rest in Him.

einbildungskraft said...

give him time to wake up, stimulate his brain with talk and music, it has been down for a while, send all of you love and encouragement

Victoria said...

Your response is very human I think. Very raw, but honest. That is a good thing. I can't imagine how hard it is for you and your family to watch your brother in the state he is in. I don't know any of you in your family but I can see there is some transforming going on in your blogs. Being transformed into the image of Christ is hard and very painful. It seems that most of the body of Christ seems to think that God is here for our benefit but actually we are here for His benefit. Most people think it's about them when truly it is about who God is. He just wants us to love Him and be His friend. Think about how a child is with parents, how they interact, well that's how we are to be with God. Become like a child. With that He makes the difference. See we all want an easy road but Christ didn't have an easy road to the cross and yet we think we deserve an easy one. It's encouraging for all who are reading the blog to see the very human side of your lives and to see how you are all being changed inside out. I know God is your strength and His love is being poured out on all of you. May you and your family see a new depth of grace in your lives today. May you all have a new vision of the love of the Father today.

God be with Jacob and cause his brain to start responding to the commands that are being spoken out to him this day. Help him to open his eyes, to speak a bit, keep his temperature down and bring peace to his soul so much so that his body must comply to that peace that only You can give.

Continue to be with this family, provide for them and give them encouragement and help them to remain soft and raw in Your hands. God come and be glorified!!! Amen.
Blessings, Carol